Parent of 15 Year old Aspie.

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Hi. Our son was diagnosed with Asperger's just about a year ago and is still angry about it. He refuses to do anything to try to help himself and his general outlook is "what's the point?" His grades have been slipping, he's been in more trouble at school the last 2 months than any other time in the past. He also has some ADD and OCD thrown in and he is very, very resentful. Can anyone give any ideas how to help him?

Thanks,

Confused parents:?

Greetings, Confused Parents. First, I'd like to recommend the book Freaks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome by Luke Jackson. Mr. Jackson wrote the book in 2002 and is presently about your son's age. It seems to me that the best person to help your son answer the question, "what's the point?" is someone who can better understand where an adolescent boy is coming from. read it yourself, it is insightful. I know you can't make your son read anything but perhaps if you just leave it lying around, (sounds silly but try the bathroom) he might just pick it up. My own answer to my daughter's question of "why?" was so that there would be more laughter, less tears, more smiling, less grump, more fun and relaxation instead of tension and trouble. You don't mention if any of you are seeking professional help. You should be. And, if "what's the point?" is stopping you, try "because we're The Parents and we say so " for now and let him discover why himself. If you are, it sounds like you might consider looking for alternative treatment...

cp

welcome to WP, both loveflamingoes and cpito.

Vivi
(as Mod)

Welcome to WrongPlanet, loveflamingoes!

I am 18, and was diagnosed with ADD when I was 9 and AS when I was 16. I was happy with the diagnosis, but if I was diagnosed at 14, I probably would have had a negative reaction too.

Is your son resentful about having AS, or is he in denial? Some people view being diagnosed with AS as if they were dying. They think their life is over. That might be where his 'what's the point?' attitude is coming from. It could also be an apathetic teenage thing. You could ask him seriously what he wants his life to be like. Explain that if he wants his life to be better, he needs to work on and get help for certain problems.

To change a depressed, 'why me?' mode of thinking, you could emphasise that there are positive aspects of AS. You could show him the list of famous and influential people suspected to have AS (though the topic does seem to cause some controversy within the autistic community). You can find these lists all over the Internet, and they all pretty much have the same information. Click here to see one of these lists.

There are also some great books out there that could help such as Your Life is Not a Label: A Guide to Living Fully with Autism and Asperger's Syndrome by Jerry Newport.

I hope that helps. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Hi!

Welcome to Wrongplanet! I hope you enjoy posting here!

Welcome ladies and gents, mums and dads and bald headed babies with the hair parted down the middle!

Confused Parents, how old is your son? Is there any way of getting him online? I was less that thrilled with my diagnosis (got it at 13, and it's taken me six years for me to allow my doctor to keep it on my medical record, and God forbid if my mum so much as MENTIONED the 'A' word!), but I am now quite attached to it and have grown rather fond of it! May I ask what you have said to your son about the diagnosis? When I first learnt that I had Aspergers, I was under the impression that it mean I was a rocking, screaming, horrid little creature who had no friends (VERY hard to hear as I knew I didn't have many), couldn't talk and didn't understand metaphors (none of which is true!). It was only later that I realised that Aspergers isn't all bad, and that in fact Einstein is thought to have it, not to mention Bill Gates etc. Whilst I wouldn't go pressuring your son to become the next Bill Gates (rather a high expectation, don't you think?), it might help for him to realise that Aspergers DOES NOT mean that he can't do anything. If anything, I feel that as a person with AS it is MORE important that I 'do things' and don't just give up. I figure that Aspergers is as much a gift as a burden, and am compelled to make good use of the fact that I view the world differently.

Good luck, and by all means, get your son on here. We are all at different stages here, so if your son isn't ready to jump for joy and celebrate neurodiversity, feel free to assure him that there will be plenty of very understanding, compassionate people on here that will be happy to have a good, cathartic grumble with him over the unfairness of life!

Kitten

OMG THAT REALLY SOUNDS JUST LIKE ME WHEN I STARTED HIGHSCHOOL!! ! Advice...try your best not to fail anything, and avoid subjects you know you're not at. When I statrted highschool, it would've been really nice to know what subjects I was bad at in advance. I know highschool sucks, you'll slowly get used to it. As k him if he's mellowed out yet. Many people with ADHD/ADD mellow out in their teenage years. My sophomore year I did, and I went through a complete personality change when I realized what kind of person I was. It would be better to meet in person or chat to give good advice. Nothing wrong with depression, as long as you learn how to handle it.

Hmm... sounds a heck of a lot like I was when I first found out about AS. I kind of had the whole denial thing going on in my head, as well as constantly asking myself "out of all the people in the world, why does this have to happen to me?". Eventually, as I found out more about AS (and I'm still finding out more almost every day), I've been able to accept it as a part of who I am and move on a little bit.

Like the Kitten was saying, AS can be viewed as a gift. Many times, people with AS are unusually creative in different ways that neuro-typicals are. It is up to us to use our gifts to help society, and aspies just happen to generally have different gifts than NTs. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I think if he started to learn more about AS, he'll eventually accept it. He may not like it at first, but it's something we have to live with. It's a good thing to learn new information because then you can be more aware of things as they happen (ie. meltdowns).

The best advice I can offer you, however, is to not put a negative label on your son because of AS (or other things). Encourage him to get help, perhaps counseling if you see it's necessary, but don't push him to talk about his feelings too much.

Cpito, I don't think the "because I told you to" will work that well. It will depend on personality, but generally aspies want to have a specific reason to do things. You could try it, but please think of a back-up reason if this fails.

First of all, thanks to all of you who responded to our initial email! It's nice to hear from you all. Now, let me see if we can answer some of your questions.

Our son was 14 when he was diagnosed with AS, he is 15 now. He has been in therapy for 9 years. We believe he is both resentful of the diagnosis and in denial of it at the same time(can this actually happen??????). He knows all about the success stories of people with AS. He knows about the not so good side of AS too. He also knows that all we expect of him is to be the best that he can be. All we want is for him to be happy. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to help himself to be happy - he wants it to "just happen." Don't we all?

Oh yeah - FYI - the "because I'm the parent" really doesn't work - we've tried that one for years!

He has been acting out at school this year - getting suspended, several tardies, not doing his work. He is extremely intelligent and knows it. His national test scores have always been off the charts. Right now he is in all honors classes and is in danger of failing. He knows his strengths as far as school goes and we believe he knows his weaknesses. Unfortunately, he wouldn't tell us even if he didn't.

We try not to be negative about AS. We try to get him to understand that it's not his fault he has it. We've even told him that he should embrace it and his differences because what a boring place this world would be if we were all alike. That doesn't go over very well. He is the one embracing the negative side of AS. Since the diagnosis, so much of the negative (not understanding facial expressions, sarcasm, jokes, no sympathy, etc) have shown up. It's sad to watch.

We all have read Freaks, Geeks and Aspergers. We all have read Haze. We have read so many Aspergers books that our heads are spinning. We have told him about this website and others and that he should get on here and just read the emails - that he doesn't have to respond. We don't know if he will get online, but we hope he does.

Our turn to ask questions - do you all talk with your parents? If you have a problem or need help do you go to your parents? If not them, do you have someone you can turn to? Or, do you keep to yourselves never admitting that you need help with anything?

Those of you who have friends and/or a social life - have you told your friends about your AS and how have they responded? We see no reason for anyone to respond negatively, but you never know.

Any information and/or ideas you can share with us to help our son are greatly appreciated.

Thanks for responding and caring,


Confused parents again

You're welcome! We will help you all we can!

I used to talk with my mom, but I don't trust her any more. I normally pray and ask for advice here when I need it. But I'm all for admitting I have a problem, it helps me figure out how to cope.



I've told the friends I know well understand/care. Many people might stereotype or treat you differently because of your AS, you just need ot learn how to recogniuze thes people and not tell them. When talking with friends that know, they'll sometimes have questions or comments and it makes me happy to know they get it.



Don't fail. I know it sucks doing work when a subject is easy for you, but you have to get used to it.

Hi Confused parents and welcome!

I'm a mom to 3 boys w/AS, and one of them is the same age as your son (in fact I'm using his account here because I forgot my sign on info and this was the easiest way to participate ...) . I'm sure if your son would like someone his age to talk with, my son would be happy to email back and forth with him.

Has he been able to share with you why he is so angry about the dx? Does he feel it is going to limit what he can do with his life, or ?? If he could verbalize what it is that is angering him, then maybe that anger can start to work its way through and he can begin to move forward. Is he in counseling at this time?

It would be great if he could spend some time here and get to know other young adults who are on the spectrum so he could see that rather than it being a bad thing, there are a ton of wonderful things about being an Aspie. Just knowing that there are others out there who truly understand him and will accept him can be really helpful.

My boys were each dx'd just prior to their 8th birthday,so they've had a lot of time to appreciate their gifts--They are really happy with who they are. My middle son (the one who's the same age as your son) was angry when he found out he had Aspergers like his bro, but that was because his brother had some issues with rages and aggression when he was younger, and he didn't want to be like that and having the dx made him worry he would be the same.

Not sure if this helps any, but thought I'd post my thoughts.

This is all excellent advice.

If you are interested in reading, try "Strange incident with the dog at the night time"
One of my favorites.

I also recommend existentialist philosophy.
When your son is saying "what is the point," many philosophers asked the same question and some were even sane.
Just do not ever read the Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. (I still haven't)

Anything by Nietzsche and Sartre

Hi again oh confused ones. Me personally, I'm very close to my mum, and have always told her every little trivial thing that pops into me head, as well as the more serious things. However, I am aware that a lot of us don't talk so openly with our parents (partly because a lot of us are grown adults who don't need to!). I think this is partly a normal teenage thing, but I am aware that it can take a lot of effort and energy to try and explain to someone who doesn't have Aspergers what it is like. I tend to post my worries, concerns, questions and the like here, as there is usually at least one other person who 'gets it'.

As for admitting problems and asking for help, it's hard for most people, and having difficulty communicating makes it harder still, and all the more if your son is ashamed of his diagnosis and wants to prove that he's ok and not struggling. Rumour is I suck at admitting I might be wrong as well. What is really important is to be there for your son so that if and when he does let you know that he's needing your help, you can jump to and be there for him and not give him a hard time over it. (Fortunately I'm lucky enough to have a mum who can tell me point blank that what I'm about to do is stupid, tell me that I shouldn't do it, accept it if it's what I really want to do and then give me a hug and keep her mouth shut when I come crying a few weeks later!)

Finally, I don't specifically go out of my way to tell my friends about my AS the way I go out of my way to tell the Disability Unit at university, but nor do I make an effort to hide it. My best friend knows I have AS, and frequently I have an Aspie avatar or nickname when I'm chatting. I am well aware that there are people that will judge me because I have AS, and have had bad experiences in the past (admittedly this was when we thought I had BiPolar) with some less than charming people suggesting that I either shouldn't have children or I should abort them so as not to pass on a disability. I guess I just see that this is who I am and I would rather be up-front about it. I used to think that it was a choice between letting someone know that you're different and keeping it a secret, but somewhere along the way I realised that it's a poorly kept secret at the best of times, so if people are going to notice I'm different, I might as well explain why and then they have the option of realising that there is more going on than me just being a pain in the bum! In summary, I think there is a lot to be said for being open about diagnoses, but kids can be cruel, and there will invariably be some adults who are convinced that you are just following a trend in overdiagnosing and overmedicating children, although I'm sure you have already had to deal with that and have hopefully decided that no, you are not bad parents, and that it's not your fault if other people don't understand. I would also encourage you to talk to your son and find out how he feels about telling people: if he's not ok with it, I think it's still ok for you to talk to other people as your support network, but I wouldn't recommend trying to take on the task of getting his friends to understand.

Hope I helped a bit! Drop in again soon!

Hello there. I am diagnosed with Asperger's and have just come out of teenage-dom. I used to be like that too - but grew out of it.

Anyway, since it wasn't mentioned, I would recommend developing talents by Temple Grandin. It is for practical advice of everyday life. As for problems with mindsets, I have no idea how to deal with that (sorry), the person who is in charge of me gave me some pretty good advice.

And that advice is: Don't think so much. When you think too much there isn't a point anymore. When you ask why you won't see the answer because you're too intelligent. The joy is to be able to think, but not make thoughts your aim.



I'm still learning to do that myself. I get bouts of existential angst every now and then, too.

Also, depression may be a sign that things are too stressful for him/her in the life, such as in school and so on. In that case, accomodations in school will help. And making sure that he is studying what he wants to study/is his strong suit/perseveration will make his grades far better than forcing him to do what is lucrative. And making sure that the teachers aren't giving him crap in school because he's so bring and they can't "understand" why he's not "trying"...

That sort of things. There are a hundred and one things that could be adding stress and to the depression/hopelessness. The idea is just to be there for him when he struggles to face the world and don't make it any more difficult than it is.

acceptance/denial of asperger's is just a sign that they are not doing so well in other aspects. If they were happy/comfortable with themselves diagnosis won't be an issue.