I have Asperger Syndrom. Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing i can change. But the simple fact that i have AS makes my live a living lie... or at least, it did. Here's my story so far:
For all my live, i knew i was different. From my first ever day in kindergarden on, i was an outsider. More interested in his own little things to care about than socialising with others. It was easier, too.
When i was eight, my father bought a Commodore ViC20, one of the first home computers available in Europe. He lost quickly interest in it because of its many limitations, but i was hooked. Totally hooked. Not for playing games, no. I wrote my own programs, ran them a few times, lost interest and started to write new one. Every free minute i could find. Finally something i could put my energy and fantasy in where i didn't have to compete with others or be nice to others or even have others that are interested in what i was doing. Working with that tiny, severly limited machine was easier too than talking to people.
Having something to put my whole energy into quickly let to my demise. I completly lost interest in school, my grades began to fall quickly and i lost the few pseudo-friends i had left. Remember, this was around the time where i was about eight, nine years old. The only thing that somehow got me through my nine required years of school was my parents that started to allow me to use the computer only during hollydays and only if my grades where above 'failed'. Of course, that didn't really stop me, during the school year i wrote all those little programs in my mind, working them out and memorizing them line-by-line. When the summer hollydays finally arrived and i was allowed access to the computer, i spent all day and night typing, testing, debugging whatever i had memorized over the course of a year. When the hollydays finally ended, i was always completly exhausted, starting the new school year with empty batteries and even lower chances to make it through.
I guess, the only reason my parents let me do it in the first place was because it was also one of the two things that made me feel happy. The other one was the very simple and very good meals my mother used to make (she can also do wonders with yesterdays left-overs that made me ask for more). Don't get this wrong, by the way, with simple i mean one course plus salad, not simple like the awfull microwaved TV dinners i 'cook' for myself.
School was made even harder by the constant social pressure. Beeing outside the main group, i was also constantly bickered, played tricks on and sometimes beaten. I may have provoked it on many occasions, but as Aspie, how should i have understood the situations in time and defused it? Of course, thinking that i was a little know-it-all didn't help the situation either. So i usually spent my time in a class of 30 pupils feeling completly lonely. It drove me nuts and a few times i had fits where i started crying or throwing things through class. At one time, i attacked a fellow pupil with a broken ruler, another time i started a fight and in the course of things i took a bite at my opponent's elbow and had him in the hospital fora day.
During the last year of required school my grades finally managed to hit the bottom. So my father (my stepfather to be exact, but he's in all respects my father except beeing the biological producer) got me a job in the company he worked for. There i worked for over nine years.
It was hard work and whats even worse: I constantly had to work with people. That drove me nuts. Really. I also had my share of fits but managed to contain them on a somewhat saner level. Well, for instance, i never took a bite on anyones elbow. And i seldomly threw tings across the room, at least not outside my own four walls.
After that, i took different jobs in the IT industry, working as a computer programmer. A job i thought i was destined for. I was never more wrong in my live.
It's true, i love coding. I love to see a program finalized and sent to the customer. Oddly enough, i even like doing support for my own software. But, and that's a big 'but" for me: I get bored very fast, given my above average IQ, bad social skills and doing the code monkey for someone else without beeing part in the grand scheme desicion making process. So i changed jobs on a semi-regular basis.
By the time i started working in IT, i finally managed to hide my social ineptitude. Yes, hiding it, not accepting and living it. At the time, didn't even knew of the existence of AS, so i blamed all my shortcomings on myself and tried to hide them in a locked cabinet, so to speak. Every time i left my own four walls, i lived a lie, made things up to hide my true self from others and found myself even more distanced from the people around me. While many of the people saw nice (if a little odd) guy in me and maybe even thought of me as friend, they didn't know me. They had no idea who i really was. Frankly, neither did i.
Well, i did find one true friend, Wolfgang, in all those social tornados, though. While it was the usual social grand canyon between us, he just didn't notice or didn't care. He just accepted me. He was just there, like a safety net whenever i tried to rope-walk that canyon and caught whenever i fell. He didn't (and still doesn't) do it in so many words. He just always was and is there when i don't know how to go on, let's me talk about whatever i have on my mind, say a few sentences or just sits there and nods while i rumble about things. Then he usually hands me a beer, say a few more sentences and (for the most part) i can accept my faith for another week.
One day, i was approached by a system administrator from a customer i currently was working on a project. He asked me if i want to join the company as a fellow sysadmin. I accepted. While the job is still sometimes taxing, i can, for parts, make my own decisions and set my own pace. What's more, the people in the company are much more open about all kinds of disabilities, mental and physical. While i still have to pretend in parts, i can be much more open about who i really am. God knows, they even find the nerdy computer geek a person thats handy to know personally.
Not that it's now 'easy' for me, but having co-workers and a company climate like this eased the burden of beeing me considerably.
After i joined aforementioned company, i started to actively seek out answers as to why i am different then 'the group'. After painstakingly clueing together all symptoms and seeking for answers on the world wide web, i finally came up with something that is an exact match. Something called "Asperger Syndrom". Most of the articles could have been written after watching me. So i dug even deeper, talked with many people over the net and finally confirmed for myself what i already knew: I was different. But for the first time, i knew the answer to the 'why': I'm an Aspie.
Even knowing that a) it's a condition i was born with and b) there are others like me and i'm NOT alone, was enough for me to really help me.
The knowledge of why i am what i am really saved me. I was on the brink of giving up hope. Hope, that i can ever be part of 'the group', hope of ever finding myself, hope of living a normal live, hope of ever beeing 'normal'.
The thought of the many people out there who suffer the same fate and still live somewhat normal lives, get married, have children, friends, even go to parties and meet strangers without instantly having the urge to run away gave me hope. It gave me strength. Strength to accept myself for what i am. Strength to tell a few others who i really am. Strength to fight another day.
The knowledge also gave me confidence. I am not alone, i am not that one special freak in millions of normal people. There are others like me, they live their lives, they fight through their day just as me. They don't give up.
I am NOT alone.
WE are NOT alone...
26 Aug 2008, 6:37 pm
