Hi. Call me Pauline. Don't know why I'm forcing myself to write this - it's so exhausting... anyway...
Female, aged 44, self-diagnosed with Asperger's about 6 months ago. It was a lucky accident - I was researching the
topic because I felt my husband wasn't supporting me during a crisis (more on that later) and was following up some
half-baked stuff I'd heard about Aspies lacking empathy. I'd read that Aspies are rarely women, so imagine my
surprise when I realised I was reading about myself! Much later down the road husband and I realised we're in fact
BOTH Aspies - how we laughed.
To get back to the point, we moved to a new area 5 years ago and I got involved helping out at our kids' primary
school. They're always asking for volunteers and they caught on pretty fast that I have some useful skills and was
happy to offer them for free. The head found out I used to be an astronomer and asked me to help some more able
kids (my daughter among them) with extra maths. Great fun. Then I was asked to become a governor. I was reluctant
but they persuaded me. Then I found myself writing the school brochure. Then a new school web site. Then a PTA
brochure. Then I was sourcing stuff online for plays and clubs... it went on. All the time I was doing what people
asked of me and I thought I was establishing friendships with people whom I admired and respected. It's a tiny school
and money is tight, and we depend on parental involvement. I was just trying to help. The parents started to give me
credit. The kids liked me. I set up a breakfast club, got us healthy schools accreditation, etc etc.
(Get to the point...) Somewhere along the line I became the enemy. I don't know what I did wrong. I was played
mercilessly ( I realise now - too late) by one staff member who I believe orchestrated hostilities. (I thought she was the
female best friend I'd always wanted.) Nothing - and I mean *nothing* I did was right. Over the past year the staff
escalated a bullying campaign (whispers, exclusion, badmouthing...) until I finally gave in and resigned from the
governors last July. Now I'm afraid to walk into the playground. I've always suffered from depression but this past
year I've come the closest to suicide I've ever been. It makes me angry because I survived breast cancer 3 years ago and never gave in, but now I don't really care if I live or die. Every time I open my mouth it's a disaster. I just want to hide from the world and give up trying to be a part of this community. So what do I do? I have no self-confidence, no self-esteem, I don't trust anyone apart from my husband.
Of course I've learned now that a staff room is full of NTs and the very worst place for someone like me. All they do
is talk about diets and The X Factor, and rubbish all the parents. One thing they don't care about is education and it's
an obsession of mine. They sniffed out my Not-Like-Us stench and hated me from then on, I see that now. The few
women I've worked with before were not NT. I had no clue how these people operate. They're monsters.
And that's my problem. How do I get past this? How do I stop hating? I just can't stop thinking about it. I want to
know what I did wrong and they won't tell me. I want them to realise what damage they've done. Everyone's acting like
I'm going mad (one too many meltdowns) and of course I am.
I know it's pathetic but I feel like there's no point talking to anyone ever again.
I thought I wouldn't be able to type anything and now I can't stop.
Shutting up.../
12 Sep 2008, 8:00 pm
