Hi, I'm new. The Passenger. But also, I'm suffering. =/

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Greetings WrongPlanet.

Since I am presuming most of you are spectrumers, I'm going to write this how I'd like to read it. Personality will come later. For now, some facts. I am praying to find some help and discussion here about me in this thread (though how do Aspies respond to someone else without just hijacking the thread )

- I am 27 years old. I am married with a 3 year old son who is PDDNOS, probably high functioning autistic or Aspie. We are just learning this.

Also *****IMPORTANT***** - I started dating her 3 months pregnant with another mans baby. The other man is gone, a non-factor. I have adopted the child legally and we are married. It is a coincidence that he is also Autistic, and sees now the biological father was probably an Aspie too. As to why I decided to date, support, and raise the child of a woman I sorta just met... I am not sure I'll ever have an "answer" to that. I can tell you this ** I love them both more than anything in the world **. I cradle and kiss my (big) 3 year old boy every night and never want to be apart from him.

- I have had a formal diagnoses for the last year. I test very high on the aspie screening tests.

- I grew up with Aspergers and various sensory integeration issues without much help. Was extremely hard and traumatic, from my POV. Was bullied, teased, and hated life. As a result, I am now an adult with a STRONG tendency towards severe anxiety and paranoia.

- I still have Aspergers and various sensory integration issues, combined with the anxiety and paranoia, leave me to be often moody, irritable, paranoid, and sort of a "doom and danger around every corner" type. I often have trouble going into public, especially big cities. I have a concealed firearms permit, and regularly carry a small revolver, a collapsable cop baton (asp), and a decent pocket knife. I also got 2 German Shepherds for protection. I live in a small mormon city with almost no crime and have never been in any altercation or anything that would give me reason for such paranoid precautions.

- I am on drugs. Prozac and then I have Clonazopan for emergencies. I have had some success with drugs to help with depression and anxiety, but not the Aspergers.

- I work from home as a graphic designer and scrape by. I have a few clients who use me, but the one place I get most of my money, the owner is an Aspie too and it's the only way he can put up with me. I can't keep a regular job in a workplace - the tantrums, meltdowns, and difficult attitude just get me fired.

- I have tantrums, meltdowns, and anxiety "bouts" that last a few days. I am worried I can't make it in the real world, so I work from home.

- Pre diagnosis, I somehow finished a Bachelors degree in psychology with an emphasis on the brain and physiology of psychology. I am well versed in the science behind it all.

- I have one or two friends, but no one I really connect with often. I used to have all-consuming hobbies, but being a parent and husband has cut those down where I don't just play video games for hours on end. I have no one to talk to who understands, and no real guidance in life. I usually move from hobby to hobby every 6 months, delving into all aspects of it, becoming an expert and professional, then selling it all on ebay and never doing it again. Ironically enough, my current hobby is getting tattoos, especially on my forearms and hands. I am trying to cover most my arms and legs and torso before the hobby wears off. Gonna be interesting selling those on ebay.


- I have called most of the counselors in the area asking if they work with Aspies, and most don't. I have contacted Tony Attwood in Australia, and Maxine Aston in England about flying out to visit them, even offering a $10,000 upfront payment if they'll see me and my wife and help us. I haven't heard back yet.


- My wife is a Neurotypical, and I fully believe and endorse the "Cassandra Phenomenon" with her (notice I don't say syndrome). I've read the "wives of aspies" forums and seen the venom there, but I think my wife has very legit complains about me. Basically, in our short 3 year marriage, it's like a big emotional blowout every 6 weeks where she talks about how I've been ignoring, neglecting, not showing any care or attention to her, lists a bunch of examples, and I sit there devastated because she's right. My Aspie bubble steamrolled over her and her needs like a wrecking ball, all while I think I'm doing the right thing.

- I am *trying* to do things to stay married and have my wife be happy with me. I often fail. I do things and try and endeavor to get out of the Aspie bubble, and think I make progress, only to find out that I really haven't.

- So she gets really mad and sad with me every 4-6 weeks, and we have a big blowout which consists of her airing her emotions and complaints, and me sitting silent like a stone, knowing she is right. I apologize and apologize, but she doesn't want to hear any more Sorrys. And I commit to making changes! I try and try, but again, somehow my trying doesn't stick! My diseased Aspie brain just has it's grooves.

- Eventually she eases up and now is just sad and devastated, because she wishes I was just a selfish as*hole, instead of an Aspie. Because an as*hole she could blame and just leave, OR an as*hole can change! But when we know I am an aspie, she can't really blame me, but she also knows I can't change. And I agree.

- Also, the old Aspie defense of "you chose the person, you should have known" doesn't work. Aspies are charmers and totally mold to court the person she wants to date. They put on their most charming, best behavior to try and win someone over. It's clearly documented in almost every aspie book. Then once you're married, the wife goes "What the hell happenend!" when the masquerade is exhausted and the real aspie comes out.



- So right now, we're both sort of questioning if we should live together anymore. things seem fine for a while, but we always return to this blowout that I partially create via the aspie bubble and my lack of connection to anything, including myself. I try to change, I try to not be so unintentionally selfish and neglectful, but god damn it I always seem to return to my Aspie mode.


- So , she's tried to accept me, I've tried to accept me, we've tried to work with the diagnosis, work around it, work through it, let it work us, everything. And we've been successful. But you know what - living with an Aspie sucks for her. Being a Cassandra with her Aspie isn't a fun life, and it doesn't have many emotional rewards.

The aspie divorce rate is high, and I can see why. What do I do? Just leave them alone and quit inflicting damage? I sit here and resolve that I'll be a better partner, that I'll try and give her more of what she needs from me. But will I? I seem to fail at it alot.

That gives you an overview of me. Someone please respond, I'm dying here. We've spent the last year with all the books on Aspergers, all the resources, everything.

What do you do when you know you're a empathy lacking, emotionally disconnected Asperger, and it's hard wired in your brain? Just give up?

26 + 1 use of autistic. Your brain is not diseased, i hope things work out.

You've pretty much highlighted some of the reasons I'm single..
Just keep in mind Aspergers is not a disease to be rid of; and, judging from what you are saying, perhaps not responsible for all your problems. Schizophrenia is something you should look into, as there is no reason for you not to have it simply because you are an Asperger, and it does seem likely.
As for your aspergers, most often Aspergers is simply a different cadre of abilities, but perhaps you've gotten the short end of the stick. For many asperger people, relationships are a bad idea. But, as you say, you "love" (I don't have that emotion) these people; simply leaving would be dishonourable. Perhaps attempt to encourage understanding from the woman. Express that your mind functions in no impaired way, but with a differnt set of priorities of thought. I don't much care for the typical need for constant reminders of affection... It seems a purposeless endeavour, as it should be well known. Enacting it daily seems to be cheap, to take it for granted - I don't know how to help you well there, considering your fights with your wife. I don't much see any concersation there that couldn't lead to more argument. In cold truth, you should not have gotten involved in the first place.
But, you are now - and best stick to it. I'd give up on Attwood, too. He's extremely busy, with little concern for such things. I don't know about the British person, though.

Welcome to WP

Welcome.

That gives you an overview of me. Someone please respond, I'm dying here. We've spent the last year with all the books on Aspergers, all the resources, everything.

What do you do when you know you're a empathy lacking, emotionally disconnected Asperger, and it's hard wired in your brain? Just give up?


yeah your describing yourself through the eyes and description of a partner.

you see yourself through the books and diagnosis of AS.

/when a wife or partner insists on her needs being met and tells you what is missing you want to do everything to fulfill this need.

you go through the steps of seeign whats missing, accepting whats being told and then you set about trying to change it.

problem is....whats normal for you is AS and what more can anone expect from an AS person than AS behaviour and to ask, insist bully and cajole you into changing is a temporary adjustment at best.

you can do it for a small space of time..probably 4-6 weeks then it breaks down again.

you are seeking validation through others, a small boy...a partner who you want to need you.

you will spend $10,000 to make it right.

you and your partner need to accept that what is lackign from you to her may not be able to be changed...it is also common for some woment to want to leave a relationship and use AS as an excuse.

it isnt healthy for you or her or the child.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

"Hello," The_Passenger, and welcome aboard Wrong Planet. All the WP best to you and your family. Be well and take care now.

To WrongPlanet!! !

im new here too,

i have a similar problem with my relationship

but don't despair, it wont get you anywhere will it?

there is probably a reason that she was attracted to you in the first place, find that reason in yourself,

don't let aspergers rule your life, it is a part of who you are, a beautiful part and you need to grow to accept it, the hobbies you have show an intense passion in things,

it sounds like you love your wife and your son, this is your passion as well, let it be a project, but a life long project, you need to realise that relationships need sustenance, you need to feed them everyday, even when you don't feel like it otherwise they will die, in a bed of resentment

these are all idea's that are recently new to me, and hopefully by sharing them they can help

these are all things that are very difficult and it takes a lot of time, dont beat yourself up if you fail
dust yourself off and try again

all the best

Just to let you know I am in Brisbane and to my knowledge, Tony Attwood, last time I called his office on the phone 4 years ago, he wasn't taking any more patients on.

I am sure there is someone local at least to which country you live in, if you contact a local Autism or Asperger group they can refer you to a local professional. If you google the OASIS website they have a list of local organisations on there for the US and Canada. In the UK you would contact the NAS.

The Passenger, welcome .

Just a few ideas:

Have you considered that you may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? You may be hypervigilant rather than paranoid, and some of your 'disconnection' may be due to this also. It may assist your relationship as well as your own well-being to seek therapy for this. If you can find a therapist who practices EMDR - even better!

Does your wife get any of her emotional needs met by other family and friends - or does she expect you to fulfill all of her emotional needs? Some women do expect too much from their husband.

Instead of having a big 'blow out' every 4-6 weeks, why not have a planned mini 'blow out' every evening after your son has gone to bed. Lay some ground rules such as take turns talking, no interrupting, be honest, no personal attacks, speak respectfully, etc. The most important ground rule should be that you will both ONLY DISCUSS WHAT HAS HAPPENED ON THAT DAY. Ask your wife to be very, very specific about what she expects from you.

I don't have an official diagnosis of AS, but maybe I can provide some food for thought --

Whether or not I have AS, my partner is dealing with an "unusual" sort of woman (me) who is oblivious to anything not said explicitly, who is hypersensitive to the environment and easily overwhelmed, and with many physical limitations.

I managed to upset him many times (which breaks my heart), but in the end we have come to the following arrangements:

* My partner understands that I love him dearly and will do my best to accommodate his needs, but he has to tell me what he wants and when he wants it, otherwise I simply cannot tell (a very positive result of this is that we communicate in a very open and straightforward manner, which he says he even prefers to the game of hinting )
* My partner understands that there are some things that I simply cannot do without hurting myself, be it physically or emotionally (for example, fibromyalgia and joint problems limit what physical tasks I can do, and I cannot endure sensory stimulation for long periods of time), but that I will do my best nonetheless
* My partner understands that I have my own needs (for example, alone time and intellectual stimulation) that may conflict with his needs -- we try to compromise
* My partner understands that, while I might not be able to provide those signs of care and affection that he thought he wanted from me, I have my own way of communicating my love and affection (and as it turns out, he says that what he gets from me is better than what he thought he wanted form me)

Tears were shed and many compromises were made on both parts, but in the end we have come to a fairly successful arrangement (though still a work in progress), and though it ended up being different to what we both thought we wanted, I think what we have is even better.

Might I suggest to you that you explain to your wife that, although you can't be exactly what she wants you to be (because it definitely sounds like your attempts of "pretending to be normal" are unsustainable) you have other things you can offer to her (and who knows, maybe it will be even better than you hoped for).

Whatever you end up doing, I hope it works out well for you.

My partner wishes to add:

"One thing to be note is that indulging *either* exclusively your own or exclusively their interests is counter-productive. Spending all of your time trying to satisfy her needs to the exclusion of your own is just as counter productive to the over-all situation as spending all of your time on yourself. What (both of) you need to try and do is find a happy balance between your needs and their needs. At the very least, while not perfect, both of you will be happier somewhere in the middle than on either side."

Hello, The_Passenger! nice to meet you

I also often quarrel with my boyfriend, we have no opportunity to marry soon because of lacking money, but I guess the time still hasn't come for this. We are dating for more than two years and we still can't accept each other the way we are. I don't know whether he's an Aspie but he is also very nervous though he's never had nerve attacks like me. We try to reconcile with each other at once, but it's getting harder for me every time, I can't explain it. May be, I know it's not for long

I just feel like I'm in a movie, I say what I've learned to say but I feel nothing. I cry but can't stop crying even when it's over and we hug and say that we love each other. I really love him, I know he loves me, too, but subconsciously I think he will leave me. It causes depressions, I take pills but it comes again.

All I can do is locking my emotions inside when we talk and the conversation tends to turn into a quarrel. I try to change the theme or just keep silent although there's a storm inside of me. He tries to help me in my attacks but I feel uncomfortable 'cause I can't cope myself. It's hard. I understand you. Take care of yourself and your family. I wish you all the best