An aspie and not particularly pround of it

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hi all,

I am right now just feeling plain awfaul. I usually am! And I'm gonna tell you why without holding back too much!

All my problems appear to be down to Aperger's Syndrome which although undiagnosed enough professionals and research on my own shows that I blatently have some form of it.

I'm one of those that always felt there was something that made me different but was re-assured by everyone that nothing was wrong. About 6 months ago I discovered a name for it. I've been reading up on it ever since.

I can't be bothered to go through a biography so i'll just say that ive had an absolutely hurendous life. In fact I consider it to be an absolute right off. Each time the AS causes something really bad to happen it takes years of flash backs etc before im over it. The idea that I put up with everything through to graduating to ensure that i'd have a career if nothing else to then find that my AS is messing with that too. Well its just the tip of the ice burge.

I would describe the AS as declaring war on my life. It causes so many problems constantly that the only thing i'm ever doing is setp by step eliminating them. Whats the point, really? And no i haven't meant anyone else with it and although i know there are loads of people out there I still jsut can't bring mysefl to imagine that there is someone who is having quite as bad a time as me. And they say that i dont even have AS that badly!! !! !

So to all those people out there who I've read about that seem to have accepted it. My question is directed mostly to you. How on earth do you cope? Or am I just in that percentage of people that is just naturally depressed?

Well, beleve me i know how it feels to be stabbing depressed it has been lesserd for a year now still very depressed but not so incredible much anymore (because damn that whas really sick)
Anyway lots and lots of people have a hard or as you see yourself a very hard time and i also have traumas over all moments that are a little bit bad,it makes me goddamn angry and when i watch tv and something reminds me of one of those moments i get angry (inside angry because i wont have a reason to explain with people near me also familie sees me as a black sheep so i get into trouble for the least of the least) So really your not alone keep that in your mind
Welcome btw

I take medication to deal with my depression. Everything else I reason through.

I thought I was the only one of them!

In anticipation of the 'Loving AS' brigade calling you an emo, as has happened to others saying similar things on WP l8ly ( ), a (mangled Buddhist) blessing:



A longshot ofcourse, but I suspect it's possible for anyone with AS to come to terms with AS and to find some happiness and fulfilment in life, not always in that order!

As far as I can see, it's the emotional personality types that tend to clash with their own AS, and the more rational types that end up loving it_

Oh so there are others like me in here then. All the posts ive written so far are all happy lovy dovy stuff which make u wonder if they are just putting it all on or something. Anywhere in particular that i can find such posts or are they just dotted around?

Yea, people have told me before about the budha. I am infact currently following Christianity (sort of) but ought to check out that.

As for all these positive people, i supose i really need to meet some to be fair! However chairties/ the national health service in my counrty and taking there sweet time in letting me do this in my local area!

"Hi,"anonymous2, and welcome to Wrong Planet.

Maybe this is more what you're looking for?:
[http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt79737.html]

Especially this:

That strikes me as a good kick up the backside for many a callow youth My only quarrel is that it's too much manly adrenaline that encourages us to fight AS too hard and for too long, but since you're into negativity, I'm guessing you're a teenager and thereby still able to change yourself a fair bit anyway


About admitting a clash between AS and one's own emotional personality and the possibility of happiness inspite of that, I kinda hope that's just my idea, as I've spent a lot of time and energy on thinking and trying out different approaches over the years. ??

Last edited by undefineable on 14 Oct 2008, 5:32 pm, edited 3 times in total.

To the OP:

I am new here too, but I am pretty comfortable with myself. I had to be in order to survive.

You see, on top of having Asperger's, I was also born with a condition called hemifacial microsomia, which basically means that half of my face was underdeveloped. My jaw on my left side was under developed, which gave me a smile that looked startlingly like the Nike swoosh, and I was missing my entire left ear save for the ear lobe.

Not only was I socially different, but phisically deformed as well! That made interacting with others doubly awkward. But I learned at and an early age that I am unique, that I am and individual. I was denied from the start the illusion of being or being able to achieve normality. But I thought. I could have no arms. I could have no legs, no liver, no eyes, no hearing at all, no family. And I learned that my problems were things I'd have to live with until the end of my years.

So I embraced them. I engrossed myself in school and thrived, despite the difficulties of then-undiagnosed AS. I was respected by most for my intelegence and I learned to verbally counter anyone who tried to put me down. The intense suffering that the 14 major surgeries I had over the years made me more resiliant to difficulties.

You can either accept your probles or you can be destroyed by them. That has been my philosophy.

I see neither my facial deformaty nor my AS as hadicaps or disadvantages; rather, I have come to consider them indespensable tools that I can utalize to succeed in life.

This reminds me of that old saw:



So, to the extent that a personal problem is clearly insoluble, survival in your avarage society depends on leaving it aside, or, better still, using your ingenuity to turn it to your advantage.



I don't think there's much to be said for that approach though. If you admit that you're dealing with real handicaps and disadvantages, think how well that reflects on your character in comparison to the many who drift through life basically pampered by their middle-class normality, never facing real challenges on a spiritual level. If evolution is about the survival of the most adaptive, then a successful aspie is - in a non-biological sense - a good (and, thankfully, common) example.

Also, I don't see how a deformity can be used in the way you describe outside of a travelling circus; I mean no offense

I am learning to deal with it since being diagnosed a year plus ago now, it takes time. First understanding fully is a long process and like you the flash backs continue, I am almost 50 and feel like my life is just beginning as I truly begin to understand myself for the first time in years, well since being born I guess. Acceptance to me is the key of who I am and realization that in fact my symptoms are just a part of me has been the hardest, but I do now feel at peace with myself and feel I have the right to allow myself my differences, my biggest help as been the aspie/autie community asking all the questions, getting answers for all the things I never understood up until now....

Writing how I feel down has really helped, and in fact now started my own web site and at present writing a book, which I feel is truly beneficial, being able to share all the things that before were my dark inner most secrets, things that up until now were like a shadow that followed me around, I can now take that shadow on broad and no longer feel the need to fight against something that seemed also alien to be up until now. Having others acknowledge they understand, and to know I am not on my own...... I know I can not change a life time of getting it so wrong overnight, but with deeper understanding and acceptance my reality has opened up more than I could of ever know before heard the word "Aspergers" from a very happy and proud aspie

No offence taken.

Apart from the character building that has accompanied it, I find that people will treat me as though mental disabilities accompany my deformaty, which is a HUGE underestimation of my mental capcity; in fact, I am a MENSA member. Thus, when I invariably exceed their low expectations for me, they are more impressed than they would be had they not had a negative first impression based on my deformaty. I use my weakness to suppliment my strength.

I used to be like you when I was a teenager, and I was diagnosed with only mild AS. I think emotional instability is fairly common among people like us (from what I've read). In this last year I have learnt to be positive in my life. But before that I felt exactly as you did - that I was declaring war on my aspergers.

I wrote a poem exactly about that called the war or something along those lines, but I won't post a link because it's a pretty shoddy poem. You should try The Haven. There's some pretty depressing stuff in there.

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