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I've just joined this site. I'm not sure why. I don't expect much.

I've introduced myself enough times that it sounds clichéd. Nothing has fundamentally changed since birth, except perhaps my lowered expectations of myself and others.

I don't really feel like rehashing the details of my life, not that there is much to say which hasn't been said by many others. Just the usual stuff like no friends, no family, no pride left, severe depression, etc. You've heard it all before.

I've tried not to dwell on it. It's hard due to the depression however. I've had all kinds of depression, but the worst kind is best described as a chemical dependency where the only thing I need to do to get a hit is take a piece out of my ego. I try not to.

Every day I try to get out and do something, even if its only for the exercise and endorphins. I've tried support groups (twice) which didn't help. I've read many books on the subject and that didn't help. I sought help from various kinds of mental health professionals which had always made things much worse. I've volunteered my time which hasn't helped. I've both explained and kept my condition secret; neither has helped. I've cared for others, but such feelings were never reciprocated. Employment has always been a disaster, as has every other social encounter. The only person I ever had an emotional connection with last said I was taking too much of her precious energy. Since then I've kept my distance from everyone as not to repeat that error.

A few months ago I moved to a small town (pop. ~3000) and haven't sought employment. I've just kept to myself, slowly dying in anonymity. I find I no longer have any interests like I used to, whether it be programming, economics, philosophy, or whatever. None of it matters. No intellectual endeavor has ever lead to a better life, or joy, or any form of relief. I see them now as merely symptoms of a life in isolation. I've settled into a numbing routine of daydreaming, idle surfing, movie watching, and maybe a workout every other day.

I've been in nearly constant pain the last few years, and I don't think I should have to burden it. My mind often dwells on the only apparent solutions to this problem.

Lately the weather has become too horrid to cycle. I've been left to my own scrutiny, which is always harsh. I can tell my anxiety is high due to my tendonitis acting up and big clumps of hair falling out (among other symptoms). I no longer try to analyze myself or my situation, or write poetry. I have no answers or means to teach myself such things. I'm back where I always find myself, and I have nothing but contempt for this old face.

As I said before, I don't expect much (how can I). Support groups have not helped in the past, so I'm not even going to approach that mindset. Lives are complicated things which may fall into irreparable entanglements both within the mind and with the NTs and their self-interested agendas. My only consolation is my disbelief in any afterlife. This can't last forever.

Hello! Welcome to WrongPlanet!

People with low expectations are seldom dissappointed.

It's cliche to YOU, but for those of us who don't know you the fact that you haven't changed since birth is immaterial since you're still new to us.

Yup. The good news is that if you dig around here you will also see people who have climbed out of that hole and are leading enjoyable and productive lives. Have you heard *that* before?

I can't say I know exactly what you mean. My severe depression was always of the "I want to die" variety (which is rather boring, really). What do you do to take a piece out of your ego? Do you force yourself to go to parties so you can stand in the corner and be ignored?

Good for you!

How so? I thought at their very worst they would just be a waste of time and money. I haven't been to see mine for quite a while now. When I was diagnosed I thought I maybe seeing a shrink would make me better, but since then I've realized that I've always been this way and will always be this way, and the best way to deal with that fact is to accept it.

I did that for a while. I enjoyed it and it took my mind off my problems, but eventually it starts to feel like an obligation and then I stop.

Most people don't care. It's not that they're bad people or you're a bad person - they just have their own problems. I told my family and it made them feel better because now they don't wonder why I'm so alone (not to be confused with lonely).

The only thing worse than unrequited love is when someone else is in love with you and won't take "no" for an answer. I'm experiencing both right now....

Sometimes it can take a while to find your place in the world. I went through a lot of jobs when I was younger, and didn't really find a good match until I was 27.

I did that for about 6 months when I was 21.

Been there, tried that. Got over it.

Eleanor Roosevelt said "nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." I used to feel guilty for being a failure at things. Over time I realized that it's nobody's business but mine. People don't have the right to expect more from me than I'm able to give. As a result I've become more adventurous and hedonistic because I'm not going to live in a cage of conformity and acquiescence for anyone else's comfort.

3000 is a small town? I grew up where there would've been less than 100. Farming community. You sound depressed. Cheer up! As Timone and Pumba said: "If bad things happen and there's nothing you can do about it, why worry?"
Just a question, if you don't expect much from the site, you must expect something. So what is it you expect? If you expect we'll be more open and talk to you more than NT's, you'll be mistaken and will leave worse off than when you arrived. Support groups are pretty much the same. So I expect that that is exactly what you won't be expecting. At least you won't be disappointed.
I find that it is impossible to connect with any human. Any expectation that you will, and you always become disappointed. Which, in turn, makes you more depressed that you can't connect, that noone cares about you. All of which, is generally true. There is no advice or consolation I can give you. I have found that every pursuit of the mind is empty and meaningless when you don't connect with anyone. Eventually, you become disillusioned that such a life is fulfilling. The moments you are aware of it, increase in frequency until its almost constant. It sounds as if that's the point you've reached. With practice, you can reduce your awareness and just let life pass you by. Its the only thing I've found that helps. Low-thought activities such as sport, and other such activities help. How do you manage it?

I wouldn't know how to qualify how I manage anything.

I don't enjoy my time alone. My only escape is to daydream not being alone, but daydreaming can easily lead to thinking of past experiences. I spend a lot of time in bed.

The weather is getting really wet and cold. It's not a good situation.