Hi, I new here and I am looking for me. I'm just going to get right to the point. I don't know if I belong here but since I've heard about AS I feel like this is more me than anything else. I've spent my whole life trying to find out why I am the way I am. Therefore, I'm very interested in neurology and how the brain works. I've always had the sense that I'm different, from another planet, not normal. But the thing is, I like who I am. No one else outside of my family seems to though. Sometimes even my family can't understand why I feel the way I do about people, places, going out of the house, having things a certain way around the house, being surprised by something, not being able to be understood, and getting really stressed about it all. My whole life my number one biggest problem was being too quiet in the extreme. I have lost jobs because of it. My mother told me I always used to look down or away from the person who was speaking to me. Some people would get mad about this because they thought that I was being rude. I still cannot look people in the eye while they are talking to me because then I don't hear what they are saying. When I was little I remember always wanting to just be left alone to my crafts, or pretending to be a star on a show, or to just dance and dance to music. Whenever I did have a friend, and to this day, I don't usually keep them because they expect you to call once in a while or go places with them. I don't like the phone. I don't like doing things or talking about trivial small talk things that don't matter to me. It's a waist of time and annoying because I always feel like I have to get to the things that need doing, that are important to me, or that interest me. Eventually, most people get impatient and stop calling and that makes me happy because then I don't feel stressed about having to do these things that I don't want to do. "Society rules" make you feel like this is wrong and so I've always felt like a bad person for being this way. I'm just now starting to realize that "Society rules" are wrong. I also grew up in an alcoholic family so I always wondered if this is why I am the way I am and I'm sure it had something to do with it but I feel there is more to it than that. I eventually started doing drugs in my teens to help me talk more but then I was just annoying to people. I got pregnant and stopped doing drugs in my 20s and since then I have had 3 kids total and have been just trying to cope with my problem. I absolutely love my kids but it was and is really hard because they force you to deal with more people and to go out and about. I'm pretty sure my one son has the same thing I have because he is exactly like me when it comes to being left alone as well as other things. I homeschool my kids because when I think of the "torture" I went through in school, I just can't bear forcing them to go through it as well; and they chose homeschooling, not me. My husband and I are complete opposite. We started out as party buddies and now 3 kids later I feel we aren't compatible at all which is making me feel slightly crazy and paranoid with all that I am going through. I need someone to talk to. Please try and be kind as I can't handle one more person telling me that it's all in my head and to knock it off.
28 Dec 2008, 2:30 pm
