Asperger Honeymoon

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Hi everyone,
One week after my wedding (while doing job related research), I discovered that both my husband (and his son from his first marriage) have Asperger's Syndrome.

I have read everything I can get my hands on about AS and wanted to share a couple of things I found that were really helpful.

The first is an article titled: "Is Asperger Syndrome Necessarily Viewed as a Disability" by Simon Baron-Cohen. It shows AS as a different cognitive style, neither better nor worse than NT cognition, though he recognizes the need to retain the "disability" status as long as the legal framework provides financial and other support only for individuals with a disability. However, overall he portrays AS in a very positive light. I am hoping that when my husband reads this article he will recognize his son and want to get his son the extra help he'll need to avoid some of the social problems my husband suffered as a child (bullying etc.).

The second one is a book that I found very enlightening in terms of my romantic relationship with my husband. It's called "Aspergers in Love". I read this book and every chapter was light a light bulb going off. All of my husbands "quirks" suddenly made sense.

I love my husband so very much. He is a kind, gentle, and loving man. However, there are issues between us that will continue to require hard work on both our parts, even though I'm aware that some of our issues are a product of his wiring. My fear is that (supposedly) many men with Asperger's cease all of their efforts at tenderness and caring after the wedding. I am so afraid that my new husband is going to change, or, feel comfortable enough to show me the "real" him, and that I won't have the same loving feelings for this new persona.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense? As it is, I have tried to bring up AS with my husband and he became very uncomfortable and unwilling to discuss it. He has never been diagnosed, however, both he and his son show nearly 100% of the classic AS characteristics.

I guess I just wanted to say "hi", and maybe talk with other people either married to AS partners, or who have been diagnosed with AS themselves, to ask questions about how I can make my husband's life easier when he is unwilling to admit that there's a problem.

Many thanks in advance!

Welcome to WP!

To WrongPlanet!! !

most people with AS don't like admitting they have a problem
I tell very few people about it
welcome though
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeGtaSWzFRA

Hi everyone and thanks for the nice "welcome".

Kilroy, why don't people with AS like to admit it? It doesn't seem like a *bad* thing to me, and in fact, I just think it makes him even more unique and interesting than I did before.

I just feel that if he could admit to me (his wife) that he fits the bill it would open a productive conversation about how we can improve our communication/relationship.

Because alot of us are frequently bullied (i used to be) be you NTs. So if they admit it it just gives an NT another chance to bully.

well see some, like me, have had crappy lives because of it-and not everyone sees it as a good thing
you know-I have been alone like all my life (though in the not so far future I will have someone )
anyways-yeah it is a disability and not a lot of people like to admit they have problems with things
and we do

We don't like to admit it because of the social stigma and prejudice associated with it. The nomenclature doesn't help. As soon as people hear disorder they think there's something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. As soon as they hear autism, they think you're mentally handicapped.

Welcome to WP!

BTW, I love your positive attitude about AS!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

First, Aspies do not change, so if you like what you have, good.

On the subject of admitting anything, I just came here to see if I could get change for a twenty, and when the bus runs.

Autism is not explainable, we have tried, and why would we want to tell you, "We are totally different"

We spend our lives trying to get along with other people, to be enough like them to fit in, sometimes, maybe.

So I should tell you that my mental process is totally alien, always will be, and it is a gap we can never bridge, or should I just tell you I like you.

We know you are different, the double wammy of not autistic, and female, but I am a tolerant guy.

I am not going to demand that you admit to being different, and demand that you explain being female so that I can fully understand it. I doubt you could explain it, or I could understand, even if you managed to explain it.

I like playing with girls, close enough.

We have a very strict order, we are forbidden to reviel the Autistic Secret Plan to outsiders, the punishment for doing so involves thousands of rabid vampiere bats.

Why can't you be Chinese, you know Chinese exist, so why do you refuse to become one?

Sorry lady, even if we marry a Chinese female, we will never become Chinese or female.

We are the result of a hard won lifetime of events, and do not like change, stick with what works, and have no idea what you think. Change is like ceasing to be.

Don;t have much time right now, but I recommend a book called 'The other half of Asperger's \syndrome' byMaxine C Aston.

Welcome

Hi again everyone,
thanks for the feedback. CelticRose, I *do* have a positive attitude towards AS and I think normality is way overrated, boring even.

I should mention that I'm not "normal" either. I'm an artist with bi-polar and this is my first real relationship with a member of the opposite sex. The thing is, I think our "quirks" are complimentary and we are much happier together than either of us were on our own.

Yet there are times when I can tell that he doesn't understand why I'm upset with him, he's completely baffled when it is so obvious to me. I just think, if he has felt this "difference" his whole life, it might be refreshing for him to put a name to it. To see that there are many positive aspects to it. In fact, if I could, there's nothing about him that I'd change.

I just think a frank discussion about how and why our thinking is so different would be beneficial for both of us. Then, when a misunderstanding starts brewing, we can understand it (and react more appropriately). There have been so many times where his behaviors have made me feel unattractive and unloved, yet I know for a fact that he's attracted to me and that he loves me. He just shows it differently. And I want to be able to communicate to him better, how much I adore him.

It's all about communication. I don't want him to change. I love him the way he is, I just have to believe that understanding how we're different could only make things easier for us.

He's really lucky to have an understanding wife like you. I hope my future husband is half as understanding!

I can relate to so much of what you say, I am in a similar situation myself diagnosed with aspergers, have bipolar and more just over 1 year ago, I now feel my husband is also quite possibly an aspie... my husband sounds very much like yours and even though me and my older son are now diagnosed .. he still does not want to really embrace or carry the label. To me the label is about true identity, as no one need know... I do not force the issue as he is an adult and it has to be his choice, but within conversations I add small bits about myself, the aspie world and difference... but with discovering the aspie community I have also learned so much about not only myself, but my husband and understand the reasons for his differences so much more now, there are things I feel I can discuss with him, without even bringing in autism etc... which is easier for him to deal with. Being knowledgeable myself has really helped our relationship, as now I can see things from a different perspective.

If he is on the autism spectrum it takes times to take in, comes to terms with, often having to of endured a life time of conformity, not easy to change. If only all of us discovering had someone like you half as understanding, our journeys would be/been so much easier... just keep doing what your doing, discuss things you understand and communicate... but as for him being diagnosed that has to be his choice, not yours...

Some articles that may give you more insight into relationships...
Love and Asperger's syndrome
http://asplanet.info/index.php?option=c ... Itemid=130
Does your partner have Aspergers?
http://asplanet.info/index.php?option=c ... Itemid=126
and a part of my journey, which may help give you some insight... Making Sense:
http://asplanet.info/index.php?option=c ... Itemid=129

Hi there,

it makes sense to me. I'm a person with Asperger's traits. I've been told by "significant others" that I'm "missing something." I guess I don't react to things (e.g., tragedies, social gaffes, subtle cues) as emotionally or as appropriately as others. I believe I am a romantic, but I'm not one to constantly give massages; I express my romance more in my actions than in my expression of feelings (though not in an absolute sense) Perhaps your husband is the same way?

I believe Asperger's Syndrome is only a "disorder" if it "disorders" one's life to the extent where one cannot live an independent existence, and one has difficulty making and keeping friends owing to one's "peculiarities." It seems like you believe the same. So what if one has "narrow, esoteric" interests? That in itself does not indicate a "disorder." I believe one shoudl be considerate of one's communication partner; the disorder, perhaps, is illustrated by one who is (not deliberately) inconsiderate--and doesn't see, or take the hint, that he/she might be boring the other person with long-winded diatribes about his subject of narrow interest.

I've gotten into many fights because I don't practice the finer points of etiquette--such as where to put the napkin when I'm eating spaghetti. Little things like that could irritate people mightily. I'm also not the most "sentimental" person, and I'm not one who has to spend all his time with his mate, to the exclusion of other interests. It doesn't mean that I'm a "cold" person--perhaps I am too selfish and "independent" to be a viable mate to someone?

Now I'm getting Long-Winded lol

Again, Welcome to WP!

PS: I hope your husband doesn't turn "cold" on you; I hope he doesn't change. I believe in life-long romance, growing old together.

Hi Honey,

I've been with my wife 4 1/2 years, we got married last year and we just had a baby boy.

I still say to my wife that I love her and that she's the best woman in the world and I expect to keep saying that for, well, quite a while.

I've just wanted to share this with you. It may be difficult sometimes but we do not forget who we love.