Another newbie introduction

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Hello Wrong Planet,
I always knew I was different, that there was something wrong with me that made other people uncomfortable in my presence. I didn't hear about Asperger's syndrome until I was 40 years old, but I recognized myself in the description immediately. At that time I couldn’t even admit it to myself without weeping, and now – ten years later—I still have not spoken to anyone else about it. I am fighting back tears as I type this. Is it normal to feel so ashamed of my disorder that I can’t even admit it to myself without tears?

I recall watching Saturday Night Live once, I’d heard it was funny and I needed a lift on yet another Saturday night alone. All I remember of the show is a skit about a family party at a person’s house, but the skit was set in the back porch where one family member had been told to stay. She wanted to join the party but the hostess was making all kinds of excuses as to why this family member needed to stay on the porch. It was clear that the excluded person lacked the social skills to be “fun at a party” and so was being relegated to the porch so as not to interfere with the rest of the family having a good time.

The audience apparently thought this was hilarious, but I was horrified. Basically I saw the unhappy story of my social life played out as a subject of hilarity for “normal” people. I think I have always sensed this was the case, and felt chronically, deeply ashamed of myself for being …myself.

I have also always felt afraid. I grew up on a farm, and saw first hand how survival of the fittest works in the natural world. Any animal that was “different” was excluded from the flock. Animal parents and siblings often killed the odd one viciously, at other times merely abandoned it to die slowly of starvation or neglect. In the world of humans, I have often felt that Lord-of-the-Flies undercurrent at school or on the job, simmering below the surface of civilization. I was, and am, the odd one, and so do not deserve to be taking up space.

When I was younger I thought I could learn to be socially acceptable, but I finally realized that I could be perfectly groomed, perfectly polite, competent, hard working, intelligent, and none of it would make any difference. The piece of personality that I need to fit in is missing, and no amount of compensation will ever change that.

So underneath the fear, loneliness, sadness, and shame that I live with daily, molten rage seems to flow like lava through my solar plexus. I hate the “normal” people who think I am a joke, who think I don’t deserve to be a part of their society. I have to be careful when searching for information about AS, because so many sites are set up to support the normal people who are cursed with the misfortune of having to deal with one of us.
I want to scream at them. The injustices and indignities I have suffered all my life have resulted in a very short fuse on my anger. Of course, that doesn’t make me any more likable .

Amazingly, I’ve managed to be gainfully employed for most of my adult life. I live independently and own my own home. My credit score is crappy, and my house is always a mess, but I muddle through. I try to be grateful for this. I know others with AS are not as fortunate. But I have no strong friendships and no love life. I am now too old to believe that I will grow up to be a swan. I went straight from ugly duckling to ugly duck, and there I stayed.

So, that’s me in a nutshell. One messed up nut. I don’t expect any miracles, and I don’t care if I ever get a real diagnosis. But being part of a community of people like me, people who might at least understand what I’m going through, is appealing. That’s why I’m here. Any suggestions on how to find a shrink who won't mess me up any worse than I already am would be welcome.

Welcome to WP!

Nice to meet you, MsKate.

There are more of you here than you think...and welcome.

Welcome to the Wrong Planet community, MsKate.

Welcome

Welcome, Kate.

Wish I had some good advice on finding a psychologist.

I have the opposite problem - everything works "okay" for me except the job. It's true that I don't have a wealth of friends in the physical world, in my geographic area. And it's true I'd like to change that. But the bigger issue for me is the job - something I've struggled with and failed to solve since about '93.

Anyway I'm glad you finally worked up the gumption to say hi.

And for the record... I've been unable to watch movies about superheroes without crying for several years now... Iron Man, Spider Man, etc. I bawl my head off on the Incredibles. For similar reasons as you described here.

thank you all for the warm welcome.

I'm sorry you have trouble finding work ike, wish I had words of wisdom for you but I think I've just been lucky that way.

I'll have to pay more attention on the superhero movies, I can't recall parts that made me touchy. Wait, the villian from the Incredibles did seem like an Aspie didn't he? Yes, hated that.

The theme song from the old sitcom "Happy Days" makes me sick to my stomach though. Happy days in high school? I sure didn't have any.

Thanks Kate. :)

What gets me choked up with superhero movies isn't about any aspie-like characters in them (although it hadn't occurred to me before, but you're right that Syndrome in the Incredibles is fairly aspie-like). What gets me crying at those movies are the "nick of time" moments, where there's this emotional reunion between someone who's been heavily beaten down and likely about to die and a friend who saves them at the very last moment. I cry because that friend who is actually often there in real life for NTs has never been there for me throughout my life... and now that I'm an adult and I know about AS, that extends also to my "extended family" of other aspies.

There's a very camp superhero movie that I think was made for TV recently called Zoom. The main character Zoom, played by Tim Allen had lost his powers until a moment in the last 5 minutes or so of the film in which a 6-year old girl (who happened to be strong enough to juggle cars) is about to be caught in a high-tech net that would iirc neutralize her powers. Zoom (Allen) suddenly gets his powers back and is able to save the girl from the net, after which she's unconscious for a moment while he sets her down behind a rock and is trying to wake her up to make sure she's okay. That's one of those moments, and it doesn't matter how campy the movie is (and this is one of the campiest movies I've seen in general)... for that matter, I couldn't even describe the scene in this message here without getting choked up.

It's not right for us to be "forgotten". It doesn't matter that other species kill the weak ones. Humans are supposed to have evolved this incredible intellect to be able to overcome the need to do that. There should be friends and rescuers for us too.

Welcome, MsKate!

I hope you'll find, as I have, that the people here are very accepting. You may even find reasons to see that AS doesn't have to be a terrible curse.

(I'm also self-diagnosed, but am going for evaluation at the end of January.)

You might want to check out the Books section of this website - maybe start with Tony Attwood's "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome." I've also found that Temple Grandin is an excellent writer on the subject ("Thinking in Pictures" is a wonderful, helpful book.)

You have a good style to your writing - I'm looking forward to reading more of your contributions to this forum!

Welcome MsKate. I don't wish to sound bossy or offensive, I hope I do not come across in that way: but there is nothing to be ashamed of being an aspie. I believe we are wired differently that's all.

The world is full of hypocrites. Corporations come up with mottos such as 'embrace diversity', 'be a leader'. When all they want is a wall of NT bricks. Can NTs really embrace diversity, where aspies are more dedicated in their work and often show extraordinary abilities beyond 'normal'? No, as we don't 'fit in' with the rest of the herd. And it would be a threat to their supposed dominance of the human race.

I also have a short fuse. Anger and hate have been my 'friends' for many a years. They have been by my side, and helped develop determination to succeed, against the odds of NTs who have had it easy. What 'they' can do, I can to better. I don't think I would have survived to this day without 'molten lava' running through my veins.

However, if you are to play with fire then please be safe. It's easy to hurt those that genuinely care for you, and also hurt yourself. Use these 'tools' in a positive manner to the benefit to yourself and your loved ones. Be in control of your emotions. My body and emotions are but a machine. Understand your body and emotions. Put yourself in situations where you know you will be in control. If you're losing it, take a deep breath, and tell yourself it's just a part of the machine that not working properly. Adjust your mechanics to compensate.

The baseball pitcher is a fine example. During the course of the season or game, parts of the body may not work as intended. Emotions come into play. The crowds (and teammates) get to you. You need to go through the routines which you are most comfortable with, and adjust your mechanics to compensate for areas that are not functioning. And if all fails, take a break and come back tomorrow. It's okay.

Thanks for explaining ike, I think I understand now. There's a scene in the movie Rudy where his team mates walk into the coach's office and lay down their jerseys in support of Rudy. It always made me cry. I agree, there seems to be no one standing up for us.

Ziechner, thanks for the book recommendations. I've been looking for reference materials. And thank you for complimenting my writing, that's how I make a living so I get a lot of practice. By the way, you have a nice smile

Yocritier, I don't think you sounded bossy at all and I appreciate your good advice. One of my favorite quotes is "Love might make the world go 'round, but nothing sustains you like hate." I agree that it has often been my rage against injustice that energizes me and keeps me from giving up completely. But it is a two edges sword, and uncontrolled eruptions do their damage. I like the pitcher analogy; I'll try to keep that in mind.

It was motivated to start posting here because of a negative situation at my job. Your words about the corporate environment describe it well. My NT manager has spent the past year making sure I am never in a position to excel, but always in circumstances that highlight my weaknesses instead. NTs cannot stand to see "nerds" doing a better job than the social butterflies. Now that it's time for reviews I doubt that I will be getting any raises or promotions. She has also managed to promote another NT, an especially cruel man, to a management position. This man has a son with AS, I can't imagine what that boy endures at home but I know what hell he puts me through at work. Of course all the other NTs think he is a "super nice guy." So I am trying to find a new job, but with this economy I don't feel very hopeful.

To WrongPlanet!! !

It's slowly changing thanks to some really great people and a lot of hard self-advocacy. Amanda Baggs, Mottron, GRASP and Bonnie Sayers spring to mind for me immediately.

http://autismspectrumdisorders.bellaonline.com/Site.asp
http://ballastexistenz.autistics.org/

Here's a recent Wired Magazine article that talks about Mottron's research and about Amanda Baggs
http://www.wired.com/images/press/pdf/autism.pdf