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vee
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26 Jan 2009, 6:39 am

I have been browsing through this site for some time, and felt I needed to join.
I am married to someone who we are sure he has aspergers to some degree. Unfortunately our GP did not refer for a diagnosis as she said there is not much to gain from a diagnosis.
I have been considering ending our marriage I feel no love or intimacy or friendship in our relationship. Though he says he loves me there are no actions to back up his words. His motorbike is his first love along with the forum where he spends most of his spare time. They take pictures of bits of a bike and then a full discussion ensues.(typical aspie trait?) I also love biking, and we both had many happy tours in the early days of our relationship. That all diminished when he discovered the biking forum, and he preferred to go off biking with them. I did join one tour, but someone posted a nasty and untrue comment about my riding skills. So that hobby we shared had has now been broken.
I also have been suffering from depression which is exacerbated by the lack of support, or any acknowledgement or concern for my well being. I have also considered suicide as I feel I have nothing to live for.
However,following an online test we now both believe aspergers is the problem and he has agreed to try relate (marriage counselling) I am hoping we can overcome this obstacle and find some strategies to keep our marriage alive. He is a great guy, and I don't want a divorce. Unfortunately he has done nothing to research aspergers or contact relate despite believing he has it. This makes me think he does not believe our relationship is worth just a little effort on his part.
sorry for my first post to be a self pitying ramble.
Hope someone can give me their thoughts.
Vee



JerryHatake
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26 Jan 2009, 7:05 am

Nice to meet you, Vee. :) 8)


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P-Lane
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26 Jan 2009, 7:18 am

vee wrote:
I have been browsing through this site for some time, and felt I needed to join.
I am married to someone who we are sure he has aspergers to some degree. Unfortunately our GP did not refer for a diagnosis as she said there is not much to gain from a diagnosis.
I have been considering ending our marriage I feel no love or intimacy or friendship in our relationship. Though he says he loves me there are no actions to back up his words. His motorbike is his first love along with the forum where he spends most of his spare time. They take pictures of bits of a bike and then a full discussion ensues.(typical aspie trait?) I also love biking, and we both had many happy tours in the early days of our relationship. That all diminished when he discovered the biking forum, and he preferred to go off biking with them. I did join one tour, but someone posted a nasty and untrue comment about my riding skills. So that hobby we shared had has now been broken.
I also have been suffering from depression which is exacerbated by the lack of support, or any acknowledgement or concern for my well being. I have also considered suicide as I feel I have nothing to live for.
However,following an online test we now both believe aspergers is the problem and he has agreed to try relate (marriage counselling) I am hoping we can overcome this obstacle and find some strategies to keep our marriage alive. He is a great guy, and I don't want a divorce. Unfortunately he has done nothing to research aspergers or contact relate despite believing he has it. This makes me think he does not believe our relationship is worth just a little effort on his part.
sorry for my first post to be a self pitying ramble.
Hope someone can give me their thoughts.
Vee


Trust me. Someone loves you. you've got something to live for. I was suicidal this past year too. Well, what i'd say is...if you feel he doesn't love you or whatever, end the legal marriage and keep him as a friend or friend with benefits. you said you think he's a great guy right? Well, you may have legally broken up but that doesn't mean you can't still love him. Do you have children with this guy? If so, you'll probably get custody as you are the woman so DO NOT interfere with his visitation if he gets any. That's not the way to go and too many women to that to ex-husbands. Also, does he work? well...where I was going with that is child support or alimony. What I was gonna say is I highly suggest you DON'T make him pay up if you can actually support yourself. If he's worked for everything and you haven't then get a job and earn your keep cause I'm tired of hearing of golddiggers too. Other than that, let him be. If he doesn't want a diagnosis let him not get it. Hell, my life would probably be better if I DIDN'T know I had Aspergers among other things. Some things are better off not knowing. This is one of these things. That's my advice. Good luck.



vee
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26 Jan 2009, 7:38 am

JerryHatake wrote:
Nice to meet you, Vee. :) 8)

Thanks for that, you dont know how good to feel I have a voice and have been heard.
we dont have children, so thats one less complication. actually I have suggested we buy a new house and devide it into 2 flats. That way I would'nt get mad watching him sitting for hours on the computer, and he would not get hurt when I become sarcastic or play the martyr. I could'nt just leave him and hurt him that way. He has no real friends.
thanks for hearing and replying.
vee x



zeichner
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26 Jan 2009, 10:01 am

Welcome to WP, vee!

You might find this book useful - "Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships," by Ashley Stanford - http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3649 ... ationships - I think it has a lot of good information in it. It is written by a woman who is the NT half of an NT/AS marriage.

There are online excerpts here - http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/1843107 ... eader-link


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JetLag
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26 Jan 2009, 12:01 pm

Welcome to the Wrong Planet community, Vee.


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richie
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26 Jan 2009, 4:58 pm

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To WrongPlanet!! !Image


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26 Jan 2009, 6:04 pm

vee wrote:
JerryHatake wrote:
Nice to meet you, Vee. :) 8)

Thanks for that, you dont know how good to feel I have a voice and have been heard.
we dont have children, so thats one less complication. actually I have suggested we buy a new house and devide it into 2 flats. That way I would'nt get mad watching him sitting for hours on the computer, and he would not get hurt when I become sarcastic or play the martyr. I could'nt just leave him and hurt him that way. He has no real friends.
thanks for hearing and replying.
vee x


Allways remeber: As long as you are stuck, you'll never go anywhere. If you are free, you can go anywhere, even back to the begining, if you and he wants too. Sometimes you need to miss what you need in order to realise that you don't have it.

If you decide to leave, do so with an open heart and open mind. And say what you need to say to him befor you go. If you do it in the doorway it's too late.

Best of luck to you. :)


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Tim_Tex
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27 Jan 2009, 2:05 pm

Welcome to WP!