Hi, I'm new too!

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Norwegian, Male, 30 years.

Warning: This is a notorious "me", "myself" and "I" post!

Hi!

I was surfing the web, curious about asexuality (because of a lessened sexual interest the last couple of years) when I discovered it could have connections with AS. So I did a quick search on Asperger and ended up reading every letter, number and punctuation symbol in the rather elaborate Wikipedia article /wiki/Aspergers .

Although I'm aware that reading detailed information about various diagnoses can cause one to actually believe one "suffer" from it oneself (or at least I've got that tendency - I've already been through self-acquired diagnoses like psychopathy and manic depression), I was really astounded how many of the AS traits fit me like a glove. I recognized many of the symptoms from memories of myself as a child, and from how I appear and act among people and situations as an adult. I'm utterly appalled that I didn't found out about this at an earlier time; It makes all the pieces fall into place.

I don't feel the pressure to expose and unravel my entire life on this board, especially not in my first post, but I want to express some of the evidence for my conclusion in order to get a more accurate view about what is going on. Maybe I can get some feedback on my theory, and maybe I'm wrong all together and am completely normal, just low-key insane. So here goes:

+ I have an atypical and outrageous interest for computer programming. I started when I was 8 years old, and have never lost the interest. I have other interests, but this one is all-powerful. I may choose it over girls, food, sleep, anything. I can't (or won't - I'm not sure which) control it and it overshadows my entire life.

+ I have never been good at making friends. The other kids thought I was weird and I was, more often than not, the spectator of the fun the others had on my expenses. Which, when I think back on it, is somewhat extraordinary since I was a very healthy and very good looking kid. Though I had many strange ideas and said many weird things, but kids are like that, aren't they?

+ I've suffered under various obsessive compulsive disorders. The classic "don't step on the lines between the tiles" is just one of them, and I didn't have to be around people to make this an occupation for hours. Today stuff like this have become more like rituals. I always cut exactly four pieces of bread. I always walk in a specific speed and rythm, regardless if I'm going in stairs or up hill. I always try to convince myself that I have no interest in women (even though I know I have), and expresses this by actively avoiding women's attention (Even though they might not even know that I exist) - So I'm obviously trying to defend some obscure pride I can't put my finger on.

+ I have a very (e)motionless stare. I stare into peoples' eyes when we have a discussion, which is annoying even for me. I just can't do it any other way. I generally compensate by looking down or away once I become aware of it.

+ I had, and still have, the ability to endlessly preach about topics that occupies my interests at that very moment - often to my listeners dismay. Like crazy politics, artistic movies or incredible books. I've trained myself to quit whenever my victim listener become too silent for too long. I can still pull off saying "Ok, I know this is boring, but I just need to say this before I stop, otherwise I won't get any sleep: blahblahblahblahblahblahblah... (for an eternity - unless forced to stop by an explicit command)"

+ I can't keep a job. I oversleep almost every single day because I don't go to bed when I should. Even though I'm perfectly aware of this, and the "fact" that it is extremely easy to fix (not my words), I still manage to avoid the whole problem when in the specific situation; I think "go to bed or you'll come late", but always (with no exceptions) tell myself "just a couple of more minutes, I just need to do this and a couple of minutes won't hurt" and really struggle with this back and forth thinking until the morning finally arrives. It seems I never learn. The funny thing, though, is that I've always been like that. Even from when I was a little kid. My mother once measured how much time it would take for me to put on my pants and come up to eat breakfast after she woke me up. Allegedly, it took me three whole hours. I was 6. This problem has hunted me throughout school and into every job I've had.

+ I've always been pretty good with languages. Top grades in any language class I've had.

+ I've always been good at drawing, especially lighting/shadowing complex forms, but my handwriting has always been beyond abysmal. This could have roots elsewhere though.

+ I consider myself fairly intelligent, maybe even more intelligent than most. A belief that definately caused a lot of problems for me early on. I walk about and actively and consciously think I have thought about just about any outcome of any given situation. Even the fact that I'm most certainly wrong about all of it and that this in itself could be a proof that I'm actually as stupid as a piece of bread - But then again, I'm aware of that too!

There is more, but this is from the top of my head at the moment. And it's 04:40 here now (24-hour clock) and I don't want to fall asleep on my keyboard again...

Any comments would be appreciated. Have a good day - or night, whatever applies!

EDIT: Typed Asperger wrong!

It’s a pleasure to welcome you to the Wrong Planet neighborhood, Kenjuudo.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Thank you! Now I just wonder if I'm at the right place. I don't know, but I it could be that I just fantasize having Asperger, as nobody have ever confronted me with this. Except for one notable person who told my mother a bunch of years ago that I'm probably Autistic. (Which I found deeply offending at the time)

The problem is I don't check in on all symptoms.

EDIT: More typos!

I don't think anybody checks in on ALL the symptoms - and you don't have to be an aspie to be welcome here - welcome to Wrong Planet, Kenjuudo!

Thank you! But I, believe it or not, actually wish I have Asperger. Simply because it would explain everything... If I don't, then I'm unique and there is no name for what I'm dealing with (apart from the usual -"you're just lazy" frase that those know-it-alls can chuck up).

Asperger is sort of the last hope for me...

EDIT: Typed Asperger wrong again!

Eh, its probably not a good idea to use that as an excuse. But then, i AM lazy , and i've been diagnosed with aspergers, so they MIGHT be related.

Anyway, welcome to wrongplanet

We cannot tell you whether or not you have AS. I doubt there is any way to confirm AS on the internet, but this/click me is as close as you are likely to get to confirmation one way or the other, short of assessment by a suitably skilled/qualified health professional.

Ok, what I'm going to do, is to hang out here for a while and try to discover for myself if this could be it. If I'd discover that I'm wrong, and that I'm just another asocial, uneducated bastard without any real reason for being that way, I'll apologize and you'll never hear from me again. I'm just unsure if Asperger is what I'm having, never said it's definately positive. And this fact alone already make me feel unwelcome.

EDIT: Typos!

Sorry for the double-post, but being the single person in the world not being wished welcome (really wished, not just told - i can tell what's what) on this site, is following my self-defined specifications closely.

If you don't know but want to, go and get an evaluation.

Ha det bra med hälsningar från andra sidan gränsen.

Kenjuudo,

Welcome to WrongPlanet! WP is a large, active forum. I am confident you will find at least a little corner of this world where you are understood and welcomed. In general, it tends to be those who decide beforehand that they want an alternative outcome that do not find at least some little place here that they belong.

Being autistic ourselves, many of us here cut people a much wider berth for faux pas, mistakes and blunders than most online groups, unless it seems that a person simply makes no attempt to respect others or deliberately wants to troll the waters.

As for AS and laziness, they are separate but likely correlated issues. Some people are lazy. Some people are autistic. Many are both. However, there are also a great many people who are autistic and are perceived as lazy when in fact they are anything but. Autistic minds work differently from non-autistic ones, and many seemingly simple activities take a tremendous amount of emotional or mental energy for an autistic person, where a non-autie may give it no thought and probably be unable to even comprehend that it can be such a big deal to someone, especially if the person is not visibly disabled. We compensate by limiting and carefully planning such activities. This is often perceived as lazy procrastination by non-autistic people, where it is simply managing our lives from our perspective.

The quality of our lives as autistic people will be largely defined by how we respond to our challenges. Some people will learn that AS is the legitimate source of their difficulties, and will no longer make the effort to do particularly challenging things. Others will find ways that work for them and arrange their affairs to fit their needs. Still others will solicit help for their most difficult tasks. Autistic or not, we do tend to get more out of life if we put more into it.

Because autistic minds tend to be very active, many of us find it impossible, for example, to work intently until late and then immediately go to sleep. I, for one, need at least three hours before sleeping after either a mind-challenging work assignment (an everyday occurrence as a software developer) or just about any type of social gathering. This is not a compulsion or discipline issue - it simply takes me that long to relax to the point of even contemplating sleep. Always has. For many autistic people, every night is already an adventure, and restful sleep is a bonus, not an expectation. After four years of up-at-5 AM work some years ago, I have been able to work largely self-determined hours ever since - my version of arranging affairs to work best with what I can and cannot easily do.

You are not unwelcome. This is true whether or not you have an autistic spectrum disorder.

Short of a suitably skilled and expert health professional, you are in the best position to determine whether or not you have AS. The "self assessment" resource linked to in my post above would probably be useful in assisting you with this.

Silvervarg, tusen takk söta bror!


melissa17b,

Thank you. I'm not actively seeking to be understood anymore, since I came to the conclusion a long time ago that that's impossible in the first place. I merely wish to be accepted as a fellow human being. As at least some of my problems can probably be attributed to my excessive interest, it doesn't logically apply to them all. I act strangely among other people, but still ackwardly try to battle it by forcing myself to do stuff that I believe "normal" people do. Like that one time I went to a bar and sat in a dark corner, observing people and situations for approximately five hours, convincing myself this is what I wanted. Instead, I ended up feeling that everybody knew about my presence and that I was unwanted or even ridiculous for being stupid enough to try and even approach a place like that. Still trying to convince myself that it was all in my mind, I forced myself to stay put, acting normal. Try to move like a normal, try to learn what "they" do, try to lift my beer in a normal fashion and try to casually take short glances in normal directions - Which of course must have appeared absolutely and completely random. Because I'm definately not sick. Just very, very socially ret*d. Or at least was what I thought until I found this place yesterday. I started sweating, felt the blood rush from my face. I realized I was really just a little scared kid. I tried to collect enough confidence to casually stroll out of the bar, but caught myself starting running. And this is just one example out of many.

Of course, next time, you should be going out with friends. Yeah, I've tried that. It helps, but I still only exist inside my head.

I do have a couple of friends, neither of whom are great friends, but friends nonetheless. I've also had a few intimate female encounters, most of which somehow temporarily made me feel good about myself. But in deeply egocentric moments of depression I've always managed to push them away from me. Because of course it's all my fault. No doubt about it...

I consider myself extraordinarily kind, whatever that means. I'm able to give homeless people a couple of hundred bucks (freeform translation from norwegian currency) while still wondering how I can afford my next meal. -"Oh, that's right! I've got a big pile of empty bottles at home I can return."
I'm also able to voluntarily let people before me in lines. Even the lines in front of some shabby burgerstand. I've never actually seen people do this. I just think I have time, no rush, and feel good about myself afterwards - apart from the fact that I'm being considered weird by the others. I either don't read nonverbal social signals at all, or read them waaaaay too magnified. Even subtleties that are unconcious. A single vibration in one's left nostril wing is enough for me to decide what they think.

Conversations:
I've been getting better the last few years. I now consciously struggle to listen as much as possible. With the added effect of having no recollection of anything they said. It can be as little as a single sentence - I simply don't remember what it was about. I've been getting better, because I was notorious for talking... Endlessly. About nothing generally accepted as interesting. It used to be topics of religion (God is a logical impossibility), philosophy (That death is the ultimate end is a physical impossibility) or superscience (Infinity and that limits exist only because we fail to see the whole picture). I've spent so much time thinking on these topics that I have found an ultimate truth that works for me, but apparently, nobody else.

Sleep:
I probably owe 20% of my entire life in the currency of sleep. I've noticed my darwinian instinct to kill myself is considerably heightened when I'm very tired, so it can't be good for you.

Work:
I'm a professional software developer but currently work from home and on projectbasis (Sort of an underpaid consultant). This works for me, because I don't have to be up early. It also means I work 24/7. And about that, I'm alone all the time. Only times I meet people is when going to the shop to buy food or toiletpaper. This suits me, because I don't really want or need people around me anymore. I've accepted I'm different - just not yet HOW different - and have quit trying to fit in.


If I'm not having Aspergers, then I'm done for. Because I *know* my problems aren't based on either lazyness or lack of social experience (Not neccesarily connectable with social awareness). I'm just tired of trying to fit in, so I've sort of given up.

pandd,

I'm sorry, I didn't see the link before now (Same color as the rest of the text). Thanks!


According to this test, "You are very likely an Aspie", [EDIT: Sensitive Information]

To WrongPlanet!! !