On borders of Asperger's, trying to understand Aspie woman

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I posted this in the Love/Dating section, but maybe it should go here...

I'm new here, mainly came here because I am interested in an Aspie woman (and am on the border myself, in terms of social anxiety and related issues) and looking for some insight. I am trying to understand some very mixed signals -- she seems to want to talk with me one day, but then refuses to speak when I try to initiate a conversation. On one occasion, she had flirted with me (very unusual, hard to describe) but then later I approached her and she said in a very loud voice to leave her alone. There is something there -- she has even sort of followed me -- not stalking, but just a kind of sweet low-key thing where she just happens to be where I am on the campus where I work and looks like she's waiting for us to connect. I was kind of wondering what the hell was going on, until I noticed that she had some Aspie mannerisms -- certain repeated precise gestures while working at a computer workstation, avoidance of eye contact or just very fleeting eye contact, amazing attention span when she is on the computer, and she never speaks to anyone, seems to be by herself all the time (I've seen her around the downtown area, and on campus). I really feel she wants to connect, and something about her has captured my heart but....I can't take much more of this dance we seem to be doing.

Any thoughts, reactions, digressions, dope-slaps, or whatever appreciated!

Hmmm...I'm an aspie woman myself and recently found myself back on the dating scene and figured there was little/no hope for me...until I was approached unexpectedly by a guy in a bar that seemed to figure me out right away and knew how to approach/talk to me...turned out he was autistic with high self-esteem and knew what he was dealing with in me. The first step in the right direction for you is that you recognize the mannerisms and likely already underrstand some of the awkwardness you might have to deal with. I'll tell you some of what worked for me, but each person is different. When he started talking to me, he didn't sit right next to me, but sat with an empty chair between us...I thought he was shy at first but later realized he did that on purpose to not intimidate me too much. He was very cereful not to crowd me or invade too much personal space. At one point early on, I got up and went outside, but decided to come back. He did not follow me and just waited to see what I would do. He asked me questions rather than waiting for me to come up with stuff to talk about, and didn't ask anything personal...just general small talk, yet he kept giving me more and more info about himself, until I felt comfortable and safe talking to him some more. He also sent me a text on my phone so I could have his number and showed me his facebook pg so I could contact him later on there if I wanted to. Needless to say we are now definitely dating. Anyway, to make a long story short, try keeping your distance a bit when approaching her and try not to get too personal yet. Also offer an email or other way for her to contact you that is not in person. She may get more comfortable emailing and texting you and getting to know you more that way first. Again, though, each person is different!! ! Good luck!

Refuses to speak how?



Maybe it was a bad time. What was the context when you approached her? Was there a lot of distraction around? Was she focused on something? In any case, it probably isn't personal.



I'd see that as a definite sign of interest. She may not know how to take it further. If you see her standing around waiting for you, it's probably a good time to go talk to her.



Seems like a possibility.



If she's AS, she doesn't really know how to do the dance that most people are genetically programmed for, because most of it lies in body language that she can't read or project properly. This means she constantly has to guess people's real intentions based on their words and actions (not much to go on), and her own "signals" are mis-read causing people to have all kinds of wrong assumptions. Recipe for confusion if ever there was one.

Lucky for you, you're both capable of speech, so you can coordinate verbally instead. If you state your intentions in a clear and straightforward manner, I'm sure she'll appreciate it, and spare both of you a lot of awkwardness.

To WrongPlanet!! !

"Hello," Barton, and welcome aboard Wrong Planet.

Thanks, Jetlag, and may you sleep well tonight.

Many thanks to Ghost and Quiet for some suggestions -- I had sort of wondered about the personal space thing, and that thing about having an empty chair in the middle (or similar) is helpful. And yes to Ghost, the time I was loudly rebuffed I was sort of interrupting her concentration and I was kicking myself because I should have known better. I'm generally a person who treads lightly in social interactions, so I think there's some hope I can figure out an approach that is comfortable for both of us.

Regarding "state your intentions in a clear and straightforward manner," that seems like good advice in any human encounter but sure can be hard to do when matters of the heart are concerned. But I know I'll just hate myself if I'm anything less than clear and direct, because when guys like me try to be clever or indirect we usually turn into very foolish jerks.
Of course there are the same pitfalls when we are TOO direct! Argh. What a minefield. Thanks again, and I look forward to looking in here from time to time.

Wikipedia: Hyperfocus
Wikipedia: Flow (psychology)

You may have interrupted her during hyperfocus. Hyperfocus gets a lot done and feels totally awesome, but can take a while to get into and is difficult to regain. Interruptions can be very irritating at the time, and may elicit an equally unpleasant response before the person "snaps out of it". I've learned to tell people close to me before I go into one of these sessions, otherwise if I get interrupted it's my problem not theirs - after all, how would they know?



Do NOT worry about being too direct. There is no minefield. As clear and direct as most guys think they are, aspies (even aspie women) are even more direct. As for the aspie guys, well many of us wouldn't be sure if a woman was interested even if she stripped naked and frenched us. Aspie women come here all the time to complain about how hard it is to be subtle and sensitive, and the problems they get from being too direct with non-aspie men.

Don't over think it. Just tell her you find her oddly attractive (or attractively odd), and you're wondering if it's mutual.

"There is no minefield." Hmm. I'll take that one with a grain of salt. But I can't fault optimism, in all matters of the heart.

Thanks for introducing me to "hyperfocus," though. That sounds like another gray area, where it's hard to make a solid line between those with an ASD and people who concentrate hard and just don't like interruptions. I'm also having some difficulty with other aspects of how Asperger's is defined, such as the social difficulties and eye contact issues -- in bygone days, people who had such issues were just considered to be very shy and nerdy. Frankly, I feel funny whenever I see the word "syndrome," because when I'm dealing with real people it's hard for me not to think it's just a particular alternate way of reacting and processing and so on, and not necessarily something that should have the pejorative "syndrome" attached to it. I'm sure, as I delve into the discussions here, I'll see this get thrashed over many times. But I really have to wonder if being told one has a "syndrome" could actually work as an impediment to growth and making adjustments to one's social environment. I'll try to look in on the relevant discussions here.

Hello Barton! Now, as for the matter of AS girls, here's some advice - the fact that you both have Asperger's means (or shuold mean) nothing. In mutual relationships, both having AS is like both being human - it doesn't make a difference. In fact, I myself am Asperger's, and 90% of my relationships have been with NT girls, about 75% of which were pretty damn good. The 10% of AS girls that I have been with (not counting the AS girl at University who I am friends with) have all been female equivalents of myself, in that we had so much to discuss.

If you think that your Asperger's is keeping you down from this relationship, imagine how she feels - a natural inability to make emotional connections is even harder if it's one-way. Nothing will happen if neither of you make of move, so be the one to take initiative.