I've been sizing up this forum for the last week or so. Much of it resonates with me, so I decided to introduce myself. Although I have not been formally diagnosed, I believe I have AS. My NT partner thinks I have it more severely than I believe I do (I scored 130 on the Apsie Quiz and when she scored it on my behalf, I got 144 lol!). My psych appointment to initiate a diagnostic process is at the beginning of May.
Most of my life to date has involved learning the rules, applying various masks and trying my damndest not to be a misfit. I'm clumsy to the point of frequently being a danger to myself. I'm also socially anxious, avoidant and inept and I would much rather spend my time alone with my books or the internet or my cats than with people. That's not to say that I don't crave companionship and the ability to be more intimate and to enjoy interacting with a broader range of people. A part of me does, but I find most people extraordinarily disappointing, draining and annoying. Plus, I'm really incapable of small talk, which seems to play an unfortunate, but somehow necessary part in the "getting to know you" process. IMO, small talk is utter dribble!
I am a psych major currently doing my honours year. I have no interest in clinical psych, but working as a researcher in either neuropsychology or comparative psychology is my "thing". When my supervisor tried to keep me working on a dissertation project involving 3-5 yr old children, which was freaking me out, I felt compelled to tell him that I suspect I have AS and I am really not very good at interacting with people my own age let alone pre-schoolers! He could not have been more dismissive if he tried, saying that I didn't strike him as someone with AS. "Why would someone with AS study Psychology?" he asked. "Without Theory of Mind, why and how would you make a success of it?" I couldn't find the words over my humiliation and anger at the time, but it makes perfect sense to me that someone with AS would choose to study that which they least understand. Psychology provides the rules and the blueprint to people and their social antics and it's really been helpful in working out myself, others and the "scripts" one needs to get by. Plus, from a purely academic viewpoint, theory of mind is only one component in understanding what makes people tick. I may not feel what others feel or even feel for them very well, but I sure as hell can analyse and make logical deductions as well, if not better, than any NT!
Anyway, I'm rambling, which I am wont to do lol! My point is, I have spent 33 years being positively reinforced for blending in and punished for standing out, so I am consequently very good at blending in! I don't make any claims to genius level IQ or to greatly stereotyped AS behaviours. However, I KNOW that my experience (cognitive, sensory, emotional) of this world and its inhabitants is not typical. All I'm seeking (as ever) is knowledge and answers and an even playing field. Hopefully my latest encounter with the medical profession will provide nothing more and nothing less than validation. I couldn't bear to be back to the drawing board once again after already so many wasted years of therapy, medication (self- and prescribed), and my constant shadows Depression and Anxiety.
Well, it's at least a relief to have finally found others out there who seem, to varying degrees, from similarly alien planets!
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"Burn brightly without burning out" -Richard K. Biggs
14 Apr 2009, 11:35 pm
