Hello,
I read that it was usual for new members of WP to introduce themselves to the board before getting involved. With such a custom in place, it would be incredibly rude of me not to do the same. Thus, this introduction.
I got a second AS diagnosis last Wednesday morning by a therapist at a local autism center. Previous to that, I was seeing another therapist who also thought I had Asperger’s and encouraged me to get a more formal diagnosis.
My journey to this point has been long and arduous. As a child, I always felt out of place, alone, and different. I didn’t have a lot of friends, but it never seemed to bother me much. My grades were poor but I didn’t devote much attention to studying so that felt normal as well.
Four years after I graduated from high school I decided to enroll at a local community college. There, I met a lot of really bright people and aspired to be just as smart and articulate as they were. I figured that it was just a matter of time and study to reach that point. Alas, as school went on over the years I never quite got to where I wanted to be. I still felt slow and still struggled to expressive myself in a clear and precise manner.
After graduating, I spent some time working overseas and enjoyed the international lifestyle and the chances to travel it gave me. But still, I was troubled by these ongoing thoughts that there was something defective about me. I began doing some research online to see if I could find answers there and that’s when I discovered learning disabilities. I felt like this could be a good explanation for the difficulties I had dealing with people. I intended to get tested but my life was going OK at that point so I never felt it was critical to pursue the matter further.
But things changed several years ago when I found myself working with a disturbed individual who took a dislike of me. I found myself trapped in my job while being the victim of workplace bullying and a campaign of abuse. This was a new experience for me, and the anxiety that I had long struggled with flared up to a degree I had never experienced before. I couldn’t think straight, I avoided eye contact, I would freeze up, stutter, and simple could not do or say anything to defend myself. One day I lost my cool and said some things I shouldn’t have said (I now believe my response was an example of a meltdown). In response, the following day he told me there was "something wrong" with my brain, a comment that absolutely devastated me and gave me my final impetus to see a doctor of some sort.
Shortly thereafter, I began seeing a therapist who ran some tests on me. His diagnosis was that I did indeed have a learning disability, which was a diagnosis I welcomed. I was also diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder as a result of what I had gone through at work.
Fast forward a few years. I entered graduate school with the hopes of getting a better job for myself. It’s a field that is heavy on social interaction, but I didn’t think a learning disability would be too much of a hurdle. As part of our grad school program, we need to do three internships at three different offices. This I really struggled with, as I don’t adapt well to new situation. The third internship was a complete disaster and I was told that I “lacked soft skills,” was rude, and that I didn’t fit in around the office. I was stunned at this as I was there every day on time, stayed late when needed, took work home with me, and did everything I could to do a good job. I didn’t understand the criticism directed me or why anyone would care about my attitude around the office as long as I did my job and didn’t bother others.
That experience left me quite troubled so I ended up at a therapist’s office again. I told here about some of the struggles I was having and half-seriously asked “Do I have Asperger’s?” After some more discussion, she said, “You know, that does sound like Asperger’s.”
After hearing that, I began doing a great deal of research on the topic of Asperger’s. I read books and spent some on forums such as this one and would highlight any comments that resonated with me. It was eerie because so much of what I read was consistent with the issues I had struggled with all my life, such as concrete thinking, processing deficits, flat effect, difficulties in the workplace, clumsiness, anxiety, depression, difficulties with social encounters, and others. So the more I read the more I began to think that I did indeed have Asperger’s. Eventually, I scheduled an appointment at a local autism center for a diagnosis and after waiting several months for a meeting time, I went to them with a huge pile of evidence I had accumulated that suggested that I did have Asperger’s. At my final meeting with them she told me that I had made her job very easy; she said I did have Asperger’s of the high-functioning sort. And that occurred a few weeks ago…
In a way, this diagnosis is a relief, as it provides so many answers that I have been looking for for a very long time. But on the other hand, I can’t ignore the real challenges it will cause me as I go through the job search process and, with hope, finally land a job. Job interviews are difficult for everybody, but I go into them with processing deficits and problems with anxiety. How can I make a good impression in such a short time? And should I get a job, how will I fit into the office? I’m not big on small talk and would rather sit at my desk quietly and just do my job. Yet I’ve been told that socializing is a huge part of succeeding at a job.
So that’s my story. Reading all the comments here is helpful as I feel there are people I can relate to who can understand what I am going through. I’m sure WP will be an excellent resource for me.
Nordic
10 Apr 2009, 12:25 am
