Have I really been speaking prose all my life?

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Hello everyone.

A couple of weeks ago I heard a chance comment about AS. Hadn't heard of it before, or if I had, it somehow didn't sink in. This time, though, I had the distinct and disconcerting feeling that the speaker was talking about folk like me...

Since then I've done some net searching, read a helpful and informative article in the Wikipedia, and today I found this forum.

For my profile, I ticked the box saying I don't really know whether I have AS...

What I do know is that, since my schooldays I've been very good with books, but not so good at having conversations and making friends.

Since early childhood (forty something years ago!), I've had a series of intense interests - at one stage in primary school it was weather maps, at a later stage it was logical philosophy, at another stage it was pure mathematics, at another stage (in secondary school) it was the Chinese language, especially written Chinese... I was called a "professor" by other children.

Adolescence and adulthood have been, in some respects, difficult. Never been good at forming and maintaining close personal relationships, although I wanted to. Never quite knew why. Frustrated and angry.. Became something of a radical... Read lots of radical literature... Joined a radical organization, whose members considered me a bit strange...

I have, at least, managed to stay off the streets and out of prison, done some (to me) interesting reading, and had what I consider to be enlightening experiences.

Friendship has been an occasional and wonderful oasis, in a desert of loneliness. At times in my life I've been blessed with delightful and instructive sexual encounters.

What never developed was the sort of life partnership which seems to come naturally to so many others.

How was I different? As a friend assured me once, I am not the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

At least, not physically...

Twenty something years ago I saw a number of therapists. One in particular, a Jungian analyst, made a brave attempt to understand me, and helped me reach a new level of self-acceptance.

Around that time, I also found a religious tradition that made sense to me - one which could help me reconcile thinking and feeling sides of life, and which I have been studying rather intensely ever since. I've done some writing in this field, and gained a small but loyal readership.

My encounter with therapy of course happened before Hans Asperger's work became known to the English speaking world. So it is hardly surprising that a diagnosis of AS was never made.

The title of this message comes from a funny story by the classic French author Moliere, about a man who was surprised to discover he had been speaking "prose" all his life. The point of course being that while the word "prose" is used in discussion of literature, it actually includes everything that isn't "poetry".

Lately I've been wondering whether or not I've been speaking and living "Asperger's Syndrome" all my life?

And if so, what difference does it make?

One difference it does make, is that I now see that there are other people around, whose life issues and challenges have been very similar to mine...

It was something I needed to know.

For that, my thanks are due to Dr Hans Asperger, and to the community which bears his name.

I still don't know all that much about Asperger, but I have to regard him (pardon my Sanskrit) as one of my gurus -- he's taught me something important about who I am.

Hope I can contribute something to your discussions...

Yours,
Quasimodo

Hi Quasimodo, welcome aboard the good ship WP.

I can identify with a lot of what you say, I'm in my 40's and learning about Asperger's a few years ago was like someone switched on a light. That 'ah, so that's it' moment.
Good to know isn't it? And makes you realize it's not just you.

Hope you enjoy your time here Quasimodo.

It's amazing that so many of us went through so similair experiences, decided that we were different, doomed, broken, etc. Then we find out about the condition, and all of a sudden, life seems to make sense, and who you are isn't cursed, but just gifted differently.
That's how it occurred to ma anyhow. Since finding out I have been much better with other people. Once I kicked the idea that there was something "wrong" with me, and was able to discuss it with others who shared the "gift", I am able to be more open to others and more accepting of myself.
Knowing has made a huge difference. I hope it has for others as well.

Hi Starr.

Thanks Starr. You're the first of this community to say hi to me, and I appreciate it.

Yes, I agree it's good to know that the issues you face have a name, and that other people have similar issues...

I like your avatar of the flute player. Would you like to tell me a little about what it means to you?

Best wishes,
Quasimodo

Hello 4lex

Thank you for sharing this. I hope I too am becoming more accepting of myself and of others.

I see now that the disappointments I've experienced are not the fault of the people who brought me up, nor the people I fell in with as a young adult, nor even (in a moral sense) my own fault...

The word "gift" is an interesting one... Can I ask, do you think there's a "giver"?

Best wishes
Quasimodo

Hehe, the AS in me wants to say "Mom and Dad".

The existentialist in me rallies forth with, "No clue!"

But whether or not there is a giver, and despite all of the down-sides and what I made them mean about myself and my family, I'm happier then I have ever been in my entire life. If there is a giver other than fate or genetics, cheers!

Hey!
Welcome!
I'm glad you can finally see you're not alone in this.

hi and welcome to wp.

yeah, i made it to 24 w/o knowing about AS....

now.... everything makes sense... i don't know what it will ultimately mean for me just yet... but things are coming together.

i don't have a dx and doubt i will get one...as i'll be finished with school this june (/cross fingers) and should be able to find SOME kind of job...

i hope you find that you can relax with yourself now a bit more. i can, thanks to this website.

welcome to WP!

Thank you for the welcome, and for sharing your experiences. I like the word grok - or should I say, I grok it! Good luck with your job seeking.

Quasimodo

Well said!

Quasimodo

Welcome to WP!

Tim

I grew up with two best friends; one who is a devout Christian, the other an unbelieving Catholic. I grew up respecting Christian/other religious ideals without being able to convice myself that any one man can speculate what comes next (if anything) with any accuracy. I studied a little Philososphy, and found that Existentialism seemed to make the most sense (no way of knowing what's after death until we die, to sum up). But I still enjoy religious ideals (that are positive), and encourage them in others, all the while wishing that we could all just "get along". :^P

How about you? Giver or cosmic accident?

...yeah, it sure is liberating, the -kind of moment when you go "ahh....so I wasn't crazy after all...whew"

Anyway, welcome!

Salutations brethren!

Hello 4lex.

I agree that there's no way of knowing what's after death. Actually I'm more interested in what's before death...

In your earlier posting you said: "If there is a giver other than fate or genetics, cheers! "

That reminded me of Carl Jung's advice to "cultivate thoughts that can never be proved". (from the book _Man and his Symbols_ by Jung and others)

Giver or cosmic accident?

To me the word "accident" suggests broken crockery, or a car crumpled against a lamp post. Such a word may express part of the story of our lives, but not necessarily the whole story.

I'm certainly no fundamentalist. I take the work of geneticists very seriously. Yet, I would suggest that if humans and other living things arise from natural processes, like genetics, then there is something wonderful... creative... giver-like about nature itself. Or, as some would say, Nature herself.

This point of view is expressed in a nineteenth century fairy tale _The Water Babies_ by Charles Kingsley, which was a very early influence on my own outlook... Kingsley was an Anglican minister who _liked_ Darwin's theory of evolution. I later found similar reverence for Nature in the writings of Taoist sages, and in certain schools of Hinduism.

Another thing about words like "gift" and "giver" – they remind me of the parable of the talents, in the New Testament – the story where a rich man entrusts several employees with sums of money...

That parable urges each of us to work actively with whatever "gift" we have.

Would this be one of the positive ideals you mentioned? Something perhaps even the existentialist in you can enjoy?

Best wishes,
Quasimodo