Yo,
I've already posted a lot in the other (main) forum because I had a lot I wanted to say. Now I i'll introduce myself.
My name is Chris, and turned 20 5 days ago. I have lived almost all of my life (up since I was in middle school) under the presumption that I was an outcast, somewhat of a wierdo, etc. As it turns out, all of my percieved problems were just in my head, a result of not really understanding anything that was going around me. I guess I am incapable of putting myself into context with the world around me.
I'm certainly high-functioning (i guess you could say), no one else has ever suspected there to be anything of this magnitude wrong with me.
I can work and go to school and everything, the problem is that my Asperger's has taken on a new and overwhelming light. I think the best word I read to describe how I am is "hyper-lucid". I'm so self aware that I have trouble functioning within the enviroment of, well, normal people. Not that they can notice it though. They just think I'm a little quirky.
I certainly don't look like the person I am describing. Physically, i'm a pretty standard 19-20 year old college kid.
In my reflections and non-stop thinking, I have come to understand a lot about the way I am. All of my anxietys and problems are sheerly psychological. As in, they don't really exist. Just to me they do. This fact has done wonders for my confidence.
Also, I have found that the way I feel and the way I act, and hell, the way that I percieve reality, is entirely based on the situation and environment I am in. My theory is because that beneath my Asperger's afflicted stream-of-conciousness, I have the subconcious of a sorta-normal human being.
A new trait that I have begun to experience is just the way I see things. I swear, it is a very neat and special gift, and if not for my mental restrictions, I would be exteremly grateful for it. I can't really describe a lot of it, but it happens. Just call it "uber-awareness" (the hyper-lucid thing i mentioned earlier).
Anyways, at this point in my life I am at a point of clarity and frustration.
The clarity comes from the fact that now, after reflecting on many, many moments and experiences in my life, I understand exactly why everything has happened, why things were the way they were to me in the past, and going forward I can use what I know to my advantage.
The frustration comes from where I am right now. I am in a bad, bad place for me, where I am both not understand and in most cases incapable of recognizing the context of situations that I am in. What is worse, is that I don't really know how to get myself into a better spot. I do know that they exist, but I just have no clue what to do or how to get there.
I think I am (subconciously) "on" to how to fix myself. Like I know that I know things, but I'm just not sure what exactly they are.
...so that's my story. I could tell you more about myself, but the truth is I don't really know who I am. I just know what I am right now.
06 May 2009, 3:37 am
