What should I do?

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Hello. I've never posted here before, but I really want some guidance from other people who have Aspergers syndrome. I am diagnosed with it, of course, though I'm told it's a little milder than full-blown Aspergers is.

My problem is simple enough. I rub my hands and talk to myself under my breath, which my family calls 'muttering', as means of controlling intense emotions and getting anger out without offending anyone. But it doesn't work because my family declares this is 'bad'. Frequently. They claim they're embarassed by such behavior, that it's a choice, and that it needs to stop.

Mind you, I am thirty years old. Living on my own until quite recetly, I need my family only for driving. I've got practically nil depth perception, so for me, driving would be dangerous. Other than that, I was trying to maintain life in my own apartment with a low-wage job. I don't even get disability or food stamps! I'm a self-published fiction novelist as well, not that my family ever discusses any of my work. They just act like I've never done anything significant in my entire life. Amazing. My brother never went to college, while I was 3.5 years in before I had to drop out from health reasons.

I don't live by myself anymore because my brother became homeless through his own negligence, and I invited him to move into my apartment to save him from the streets. Unfortunately, he doesn't pay me one dime of rent, and the sole time I requested it, he blew up at me. However, he thinks he's in charge of my apartment now, and he's started dictating to me what I will be doing, wearing, cleaning, cooking, and which Asperger symptoms manifest themselves (his preference would be none), but woe to me if I ever bring up anything that bothers me. For example, his unending insistance on being late to his own job and trying to make me late for mine. His boss may forgive him for being late every single day, but mine won't.

We just had another fight, if you can call one person screaming and threatening, and the other briefly standing up for themselves then falling completely silent and breaking down when they get to work instead, a fight. It was about the same old issues. He has decided that I am not allowed to rub my hands and 'mutter' about my problems, such as being afraid of being late to work, and if I continue, he will not drive me. My brother, as you may have guessed, is a neuro-atypical, for he's a normal with manic-depressive disorder, which really appears to serve as a means for controlling everyone around him with his moods. It's revolting. What's more revolting is that, when I dared defend myself verbally, which consisted of two sentences, he ran to our Mother, who, it must be said, demands I abjure my Aspergers syndrome, and it's symptoms, to spare her embarassment. She knew I had it when I was a kid, but never bothered to tell me. All she told me was that I was bad, crazy, and choosing to be a schizo. I didn't choose Aspegers syndrome, thank you, and I don't have much control over it's symptoms. I can stop myself from 'muttering' and hand-rubbing and all the rest, but only for at most a few minutes. If I don't, the feelings, usually anger, overwhelm me.

But my brother, and my Mom, demand I change to make them happy, and if I don't . . . well, it'll be bad. Again. I'm so sick of him threatening to stop driving me to work and home again if I won't pretend that I don't have Aspergers. I'm doubly sick of him acting like he gets to set the agenda in a home he isn't paying a dime to maintain. And I'm triply sick of him running to our Mom, who doesn't even live with us, to reinforce him. Nobody stands up for me! Not even me, as it always turns out. However, I am thirty years old, and I'd be living on my own if I weren't showing mercy on my freeloading brother by letting him live with me so he wouldn't be homeless. And yet I don't get to decide how I behave in my own house? I have to cater to my family, still, and they don't have to respect me at all? I'm so angry, and so hurt, I'm about ready to kick him out and watch him live in the streets. I shouldn't think that way. I cannot think that way. But I feel so angry, and grieved. What should I do?

First I don't agree with your families point of view on on AS at all.

Secondly I really think you should find an alternative route to work as soon as possible, and I really mean that if he's threatening your livelyhood you've got no choice but to find a way to defend it or lose it. As for ideas maybe you could ask your boss or anyone in the office if they would be willing to carpool with you if you help pay for gas expenses. Or you could if you in a city try and learn a bus schedule ( I know believe me it's awful for me to think about that so if your worried just be strong and remember it has to be done!)

Now once you've got your own means of transport give him an ultimatum (after not riding with him for say a month you can do this b/c you will feel secure enough I imagine in the new setup) and tell him if he doesn't pay up he's got to move out. When he argues say this "I don't care about any of that crap this is my house and I'm being nice to you! If you don't pay for rent you can't live here anymore if you don't like it kiss my #$%! !!" Now you don't have to curse if you don't want to but you absolutely must be forceful and say it all w/o being interupted by him DO NOT LET HIM INTERUPT! It's vital to this situation that you are heard out in full b/c if you let them stop you from talking then they win.

Now don't get angry (bad!) and don't raise your voice to shouting (also bad!) just make sure you are heard and if he won't hear it keep talking until he does (BE STRONG! I know it's hard it took me a long time to be strong it gets better I promise!) Now as for your mother tell her something along these lines "Mom I'm a grown man and whatever you think of me whatever you feel for me or about me I'm a man! And no matter what you say or do this is my home and I will be respected in my home whether it is you or it is my brother I will have respect and I will have my say if you don't like it he can move in with you and not pay rent at your house!" (Don't yell or anything but again make sure they completely hear what you are telling them and that you aren't backing down on this! VITAL!)

Finally muttering and ringing of hands is my problem too it's called stimming and with practice from those around you who care and want to help you they can point it out to you (politely normally by taking you aside and telling you) and you can work on it. It is sadly important to get it under control if you want to get along better with people but if not just be happy

I know all that is a lot and if someone said it to me it would all seem impossible but I swear it is not! If you can care for yourself and have a stable job and a home of your own then you're futher along than I am in many ways that I still need to work on myself. But the very first thing you must absolutely do is get another means of transport even if he stops causing trouble he'll always have that over your head! You must find a way to get about w/o his help and you have to do it as soon as possible b/c once you do you don't "need" him anymore and you can put your foot down (or up his a## if you prefer )


Good luck man and congrats on being so self sufiecient!

Welcome.

It's your apartment, to do with what you will. Your brother lives there only because you let him. He isn't paying rent. He has no reason to expect to be able to tell you anything whatsoever. Your mother even less so.

They aren't the boss of you. You are.

You need to find another apartment (one that has access to public transportation since you cannot drive) and move out, in order to re-instate your independence...and get away from the immature antics of your brother. If he cannot afford to pay the rent on the apartment, that's his problem. He will probably end up being evicted and living with your mother until he turns his life around. He needs to learn that in this world, there is no such thing as a "free lunch"...

Best of luck to you!

Welcome, fellow-citizen Franklin-Newman, to the Wrong Planet community.

To WrongPlanet!! !

How were you getting to work before your brother moved in? Maybe you should return to that method.