"Not normal...Aspergers? "

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I am not diagnosed with Aspergers, I never tryed to be,and never had a familly who was "caring" but I do fit all the criteria, many to an extreme. I am not sure I even want a diagnose..a label..somehow it makes me feel a bit sad.."disorder"

I have always been called different, mystical, unique, special, some times fantastic because of how my mind can work etc....a " disorder" would probobly explain it right?
It does limmit my life as well cause of my inability to be normal social..but I dont always mind that..anyone who can relate?..Its a problem in this world..but not in mine...

Obsessions and memory

I am researching Aspergers these days,researching and studying subjects is one of my "obsessions"..I have the ability to process large amounts of information and remember it, I see a system in all things, patterns. I have a theory about why the brain can do that..I have theories on many things...

I had a close relative who was more extreme, who had photographic memory.
In tests for system recognition I score in top,in the last Asperger test I got 178 out of 200.
For me its more association, someone say one thing, and it pulls up my database on that subject or word automaticly..so its not 100% in my control.

Some claim I am obsessed about all things, Im not so sure about that..but I do change my subjects or interests some time, and I merge myself into it for longer periods of time which I guess can drive others crazy since I may study it for 6 months ( or years )and talk about that...
I guess that is not " normal" : )

With time I learned to make what I study more useful at least, useful subjects that I can learn from and shape my life better.

Small talk/ socializing/ sound sensitivity.

Cant do it, does not interest me, and it wrecks my mind..
My theory on it is, because I pay attention and remember small talk that makes no sense or have no purpose also get stored in my mind.
Socializing for too long makes my brain crash, it becomes like the sounds in an airport just noise, I cant filter it.
After I become increasingly light /sound sensitive, the sentences repeat in my mind often half sentences in cycles, as my mind is processing it, I get severe headaches nausia and exhaustion. It takes me days to recover.
Sometimes when people talk its almost physicaly hurting my brain.

I am very sound sensitive also tv sounds, commercials, cant stand it, and sometimes I cover my ears with my hands to try to shutt the noise out, cause I cant ignore it.
To me its noise..but I dont think its a hearing problem, but a mind processing problem.

Other people

In emotional recognition I score the lowest, but I also suspect its cause I dont think its so important.
I can be very sensitive to people..but they claim its some connection I am missing out on..
I studied human nature and behaviour allot,both in theory and reality.
And sometimes I tend to see a person too as a system, and then emotions are not so important cause I view it with logic - ( people dont like been analysed logicaly, specialy not when emotional I found : ) )
I just think they should be able to disconnect from their emotional reactions and analyse it too..but I have not managed to make anyone agree so far.

Often they repeat themselves, sometimes they change storys..and I watch and listen.

Because people were so confusing to me I studied them, and since they often said I was different I wanted to know what the difference was.
I have been told I do sometimes give the wrong response..I may laugh about something that I should not..and such..but thats cause I tend to view it objectivly..


Im not much social..I avoid it..it does not interest me so much most of the time, cause in real life it exhausts me..and most people talk about nothing.." small talk" I have lived very much like a hermit..but people do like me and want me to socialize even I avoid it.

I do not talk very much in real life, but in the past I used to ramble..and since people reacted to my obsessive subjects I learned to keep them to myself more..but I became too silent.

I do not like been touched, except by very few who I trust and like..its one person..
I avoid it, I prefer my own chair, I dont like sitting in a sofa with someone.I dont go to the hairdresser or doctor often either.
In a room I will avoid people brushing up to me by accident by keeping my distance..that includes familly members.
I can not really explain that except I dont like it, it gives me discomfort and its too close.


I have a world of my own, its difficult to touch ground in others reality..Im known for been logic, but my theories about life are different from the norm...as I study and think of it..most dont...I consider the rest of the world to have a "disorder" : )

Many things I dont notice like what I wear or what I eat..I usually eat the same..and wear the same style of clothes..which others also think is extreme..I just think its easy.I never liked change also as a child.
I never understood rituals or many practises people do..
And many other things..I tryed very hard for many years to be " normal" and to understand what normal is..and why..
I look normal..I can act nice and very friendly to everyone...but I can be very direct, fail to cencour myself and be confused by how others speak..

It makes me frustrated and sad when people want to make more normal or tell me I dont understand...

So I am curious that maybe there are others similar to me, I trust others who experience it more than some doctor who cant even imagine it except knowing it by theory..for now...

Its strange to see similarities in people with Aspergers as I dont know anyone who functions like me in real life anymore.

So hello to everyone: ) I almost forgot my manners..I probobly written too long and too much rambeling...your thoughts are very welcomed : )
Im very happy to write with anyone here..

Monaa

Hello.

I'm not actually fond of this word disorder either.
It's incredibly negative.
But some people need this word in order to claim for benefits.

Over 15 years ago, when I was assessed, it would have been referred to as a syndrome (I thought that word was bad enough back then to be brutally honest).

Basically, I view the criteria as how a very social person who hated me would see me from the outside at my very worst on a bad day.

I haven't liked the idea of my life and style of perception being pathologised in such a way.
I've rather liked it and it's been jolly good fun at times.
I don't honestly see what's so bad about object orientated thinking, it can be very useful and practical.

If it weren't for the occasional social trade-off aspect, I believe that people would be much more understanding towards my point of view.

Thankfully, there have been people in my life who have seen the positive side of my detail orientated style of perception. This is because they have rejected the negative label that others have pinned on me.

Some people say that I lose touch with reality.
Which reality exactly?
Virtual reality?
Physical reality?
Emotional reality?
They certainly aren't specific enough.

I don't honestly see what's wrong with wearing the same clothes.
If they're comfortable and they fit, what's the big issue.

I've found the hairdressers tough too.
It can be very overwhelming even if the people there are nice.
(Though I find it more pleasant if I go on quiet days and they're not all chatting away and there isn't too much background noise).

What is normal anyway?

I haven't found an accurate definition anywhere.

Nice to meet you, Monaa, and welcome aboard the Wrong Planet.

Thank you for the reply: )

I would not want to be the "normal" I studied that most of my life..tryed very hard to be it too.
I also have people who appreciate me in my life, but sometimes they dont understand even they have protected me very much through the years.
Like having another human as a filter or wall to keep others away a bit..when they read about aspergers it makes sense to them..that is ok..cause it explains it..and it makes them understand better.

But I have heard how others can speak about such..they put a label on people and explain them away..seems every variation is been labeled by society..but sometimes it seems like for some its only accepteble or a relief to explain what is great about someone if they are "sick".


My closest people say I become more extreme and obsessed when Im allowed to..I get so obsessed with what I am focused on I forget to eat and I forget to notice if I put on clothes inside out and back front..or I put on the same as yesterday or day before that..or someone else clothes whatever is closest..
I can forget things on the stove too..it has happened..but I tripple check such now..so its rare.
I dont notice other people..sometimes doesnt matter who the person is cause I tend to think out loud instead of conversing, or I just listen to others..

I am no fun on the social front, and I can eat the same thing everyday..if I dont have that, then I may not eat...cause I have no idea what else to eat..Im not very flexible or imaginative with such.

Fashion is just a capitalistic game.

But I wish I did not get so crashed from socializing too much..I wish it was more of a choice..but I get really ill from it when its too much..and people who love been social dont understand it.
Those closest to me know cause they seen it..when I crash or become reduced for several days..then its not worth it..
And my problem with been attentive to the "real world" around me..like the stove! : )
That is my struggle..to keep myself in that real world..but creating dangerous situations frigthen me so much when I discover what I forgot..so it helps me pay attention.

Im not sure if such can be cured..or the ability to socialize can be stretched as we adjust..but in my experience it can not.
Also I guess cause of how I use my brain in other things it affects me socialy as well..

Sometimes my whole life seems to be a struggle towards others normal...been eccentric and special is different than having a "disorder" for sure..perhaps I will get used to this word with time.

monaa