Behind The Scenes
05/17/09
Hi everyone. It has been a while since I have written anything that I have been please with enough to go ahead and post it on facebook. As of late, things have been going really well for me. I just finished up a Monday night bowling league and finished with my highest average ever of a 187 and I have just started to bowl in a Professional Bowlers Association experience league on Friday evenings. I also just completed my second or third year volunteering at a local junior high school on Wednesday mornings during there Olweus Anti Bullying program by talking to the students during homeroom about what it is like for me to live with a disability on a daily basis as well as what it had been like for me to get bullied all through school. I am also in the process of working with the Arizona Department of Economic Services Vocational Rehabilitation Department to not only help me find and maintain a job but to help me feel comfortable riding the city bus since I cannot drive at the moment. However, most of you know that I live with a hidden disability which is a high functioning form of autism called, “Asperger's Syndrome.” One of the ways that it has affected me the most is by not being able to socialize with people my own age especially girls because I can be very shy at times and I am also afraid that I may ask or say something that might scare them away and they they might not want to get to know me and possibly become friends with me. Lately I feel that I have been living my life on my computer and with that being said I feel like I am most comfortable interacting with people that way especially girls because I am so shy to talk with them in public. With that being said how I feel I am most comfortable talking to people on the computer I feel it might also have to do with how I was treated when I was in school because somehow most of the students knew they could get a reaction out of me and that since they could easily pick on me to help them feel better about themselves I guess I am scared to make friends with people because not only am I afraid to trust them I am very afraid of what they might think of me once I tell them I am living with two different and very big obstacles that I have to over come each day of my life.
However, I feel like I have made a lot of mistakes lately in terms of my friends and I feel like I have said some things and done some things to hurt them in some way, shape, or form and I want them to know how terrible I feel about what I did and how very sorry I am for hurting you the way that I did. I just hope that with time you can forgive me. I know I am only 23 years old but I feel like I have made a lot of mistakes throughout the course of my life and for some of those mistakes I cannot take back what I did. Believe me, I wish I could build a time machine and go back in time and re-did what I did wrong. However, I do not have the power nor the ability to do that.
The main reason why I am writing this is I wanted you to get an idea of what you do not see when it comes to my life and how difficult it is for me to have to live with Asperger's Syndrome. Not being able to be in school at the moment because I was told the academic portion of my brain does not work. Not being able to and being afraid to drive because of my temper. It is also very hard for me to make and keep friends because I have felt a lot of them have given up on me because of my sudden mood changes. What I mean when I say sudden mood changes it is because I have been diagnosed with depression. One minute I could be very happy where nothing could get me down and then the next minute I could be really depressed and question why it is even worth living anymore or I could get really angry and become very aggressive towards someone or something.
In the end, I just wanted to take a couple of minutes and take you on a journey of what it is like for me to live with a hidden disability. Yes, I do admit some days are harder than others for me but somehow, I find a way to make it through because if I did not have my family and close friends by my side even the close friends who I have hurt and come and gone out of my life. I am not sure where I would be today.
Thank you for reading and feedback is very much appreciated.
20 May 2009, 5:18 pm
