Reasons Aspies don't join/leave WP?

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I think there are many reasons, and it depends a lot on what you hope to get out of posting on here. For me, I am/was actually looking for a level of connection, feeling less alone. This has worked to a degree, in a similar way that reading a book can make you feel less alone - you sometimes see your reflection in what other people say. Apart from that, however, this hasn't really happened for me - I don't have a personal relationship with anyone on here.

I'll just post from the perspective of someone who not only deals with AS but also with deep-rooted depression and anxiety issues. I don't really feel at home here. Some people in this thread have mentioned negativity and making one's problems out to be more profound than those of other people. It may not be so, but I feel like this is addressing posts that I have made or was considering to make. I'm pretty sure my posts can seem self-obsessive and self-important. But what some people consider whining for me is only an attempt at expressing my experience, usually in the childish hope that someone will come along and explain how I can make the pain stop. I'm aware that this is an unrealistic idea, and the fact that I still sometimes create those kinds of posts signifies my level of helplessness in dealing with it on my own.
I know that many people don't really want to be bothered with things that don't have easy solutions, or things they can't really understand.
I feel like some people think that if I don't believe I can get better, I should just shut up and get out of everybody's way. Reminds me of that one guy in "Lost" that was dying slowly in S1 and made everyone uncomfortable with his screaming and his pain.

So, those are the main reasons that make me consider leaving: not feeling like I fit in, inability to connect, feeling like I'm bothering people - which kind of sums up my experience in other social settings.

Also, Dox47, how did L&D use to be, and why do you think it changed? I am still curious as is another member.

It didn't used to be so polarized, with entrenched sides fighting the same battles over and over again and getting more and more hardened with every clash. When I started here, it was still somewhat negative, but it was a bit more like the Haven, in that you could go in there, vent about a bad dating experience and get support, not have 15 people jump down your throat because they didn't like the way you spoke about their gender, etc. At some point, this "call out culture" sort of took over, where "confronting sexism" became more important than supporting people who were having a hard time, and as I've pointed out in other threads, verbally kicking people when they're down is not an effective means of persuasion. Plenty of people that are not sexist or otherwise bigoted will happily play the part if treated that way out of pure spite, and so the forum has spiraled ever downward into the current cycle of misogynist!/feminazi! name-calling and such, with all the nastiness that entails.

IMHO, if the mods want to break the cycle, they need to set up some forum specific guidelines like those that apply in PPR or the Haven for L&D, specifically designating it as a support forum, and start moving any argumentative threads down to PPR and sanctioning repeat offenders who deliberately start trouble. It would probably be a pain in the ass, but it could be done, the culture in there would just need to be changed a bit.

It didn't used to be so polarized, with entrenched sides fighting the same battles over and over again and getting more and more hardened with every clash. When I started here, it was still somewhat negative, but it was a bit more like the Haven, in that you could go in there, vent about a bad dating experience and get support, not have 15 people jump down your throat because they didn't like the way you spoke about their gender, etc. At some point, this "call out culture" sort of took over, where "confronting sexism" became more important than supporting people who were having a hard time, and as I've pointed out in other threads, verbally kicking people when they're down is not an effective means of persuasion. Plenty of people that are not sexist or otherwise bigoted will happily play the part if treated that way out of pure spite, and so the forum has spiraled ever downward into the current cycle of misogynist!/feminazi! name-calling and such, with all the nastiness that entails.

IMHO, if the mods want to break the cycle, they need to set up some forum specific guidelines like those that apply in PPR or the Haven for L&D, specifically designating it as a support forum, and start moving any argumentative threads down to PPR and sanctioning repeat offenders who deliberately start trouble. It would probably be a pain in the ass, but it could be done, the culture in there would just need to be changed a bit.

What you describe are suppressed thoughts manifesting on a largely anonymous forum with minimal fear of repercussions or recrimination unlike in the real world, While it may be therapeutic for people to get things off their chest, they need to be mature enough to consider the feelings and sensitivity of other people on this forum.

Love & Dating is full of actual misogyny. Are women simply supposed to say "Oh, poor baby" every time a guy comes in and says something nasty about women? I don't think that'll work out too well.

Sexism isn't cool, and is in fact against the forum rules.

]The culture does need to be changed a bit - it needs to not be a place where guys go to express misogynist viewpoints about women. Your solution (and expressed perspective) is extremely lopsided where it is apparently worse to say, "What you just wrote is sexist" than it is to actually be sexist, even though the latter is actually insulting.

The rules already forbid sexism, as I noted above. Actually trying to abide by those rules may result in less of the arguing that seems to bother you so much.

What you describe are suppressed thoughts manifesting on a largely anonymous forum with minimal fear of repercussions or recrimination unlike in the real world, While it may be therapeutic for people to get things off their chest, they need to be mature enough to consider the feelings and sensitivity of other people on this forum.

I think there are many reasons, and it depends a lot on what you hope to get out of posting on here. For me, I am/was actually looking for a level of connection, feeling less alone. This has worked to a degree, in a similar way that reading a book can make you feel less alone - you sometimes see your reflection in what other people say. Apart from that, however, this hasn't really happened for me - I don't have a personal relationship with anyone on here.

I'll just post from the perspective of someone who not only deals with AS but also with deep-rooted depression and anxiety issues. I don't really feel at home here. Some people in this thread have mentioned negativity and making one's problems out to be more profound than those of other people. It may not be so, but I feel like this is addressing posts that I have made or was considering to make. I'm pretty sure my posts can seem self-obsessive and self-important. But what some people consider whining for me is only an attempt at expressing my experience, usually in the childish hope that someone will come along and explain how I can make the pain stop. I'm aware that this is an unrealistic idea, and the fact that I still sometimes create those kinds of posts signifies my level of helplessness in dealing with it on my own.
I know that many people don't really want to be bothered with things that don't have easy solutions, or things they can't really understand.
I feel like some people think that if I don't believe I can get better, I should just shut up and get out of everybody's way. Reminds me of that one guy in "Lost" that was dying slowly in S1 and made everyone uncomfortable with his screaming and his pain.

So, those are the main reasons that make me consider leaving: not feeling like I fit in, inability to connect, feeling like I'm bothering people - which kind of sums up my experience in other social settings.

I think there are many reasons, and it depends a lot on what you hope to get out of posting on here. For me, I am/was actually looking for a level of connection, feeling less alone. This has worked to a degree, in a similar way that reading a book can make you feel less alone - you sometimes see your reflection in what other people say. Apart from that, however, this hasn't really happened for me - I don't have a personal relationship with anyone on here.

Why do you need to say anything at all? Someone who is venting is shouting at the moon, there is no reason to attack them if they're not saying anything about you personally. Has attacking a person who's blowing off steam ever helped anything? Made a difference? Improved the climate of the forum? Or would you say that it's pissed people off, hardened gender divisions, and turned L&D into a DMZ that even a seasoned moderator is depressed to look at?

So report it if you think it's actually breaking the rules.

What I actually said is that L&D should be a support forum and not a debate forum, and that debates should be moved to PPR where they belong. People go to L&D to talk about their personal experiences, not to get into a fight about how their interpretation of those experiences is wrong and bad and sexist, etc, which leads to the acrimony that pervades that forum.

I also don't believe that the torches and pitchforks approach to people who you think are behaving in a sexist manner is terribly productive, even otherwise reasonable people are going to give you the finger if approached in that manner. So you've got to ask yourself, is being obnoxious and self righteous to someone more important to you than actually getting what you want? Cause it's not helping your cause, that's for sure.

The rules forbid a lot of things, how they're enforced when the rubber hits the road is an entirely different matter. Also, where are you getting this idea that arguing bothers mes? My home forum here is PPR, arguing is what I do; that I don't think it's appropriate to a specific forum does not make me uncomfortable with it.

Would it be fair to summarize this view as "Site not condusive to forming social connections"? I'd use the phrase "forming personal connections", but I fear some readers would read it as meaning someting else.

Why do guys have to go to L&D and say anything at all, then?

Anyway, if someone comes in expressing toxic views about women because he had a bad relationship experience, I tend to assume that perhaps his toxic views contributed to those experiences. I think that the sexism in Love & Dating has made it difficult for this forum to function in its intended purpose.



When I see it, I do.



See, objecting to sexism is not a "debate."



And treating women like garbage is productive? Is that actually getting you what you want?



I didn't say that arguing bothers you. I said that particular argument appears to bother you. Apparently it's fine for guys to condemn women as a group but it's wrong for women to say, "That's not right" because that interferes with L&D as a support forum. Which I guess means that it's only supposed to be a support forum for men? Because women are supposed to just shut up and be supportive to sexist jerks?

Your objections here are lopsided.

It's easier to avoid debate with certain types of poster full stop - you won't change their views but they'll certainly grind you down!

Why do you need to say anything at all? Someone who is venting is shouting at the moon, there is no reason to attack them if they're not saying anything about you personally. Has attacking a person who's blowing off steam ever helped anything? Made a difference? Improved the climate of the forum? Or would you say that it's pissed people off, hardened gender divisions, and turned L&D into a DMZ that even a seasoned moderator is depressed to look at?

What I actually said is that L&D should be a support forum and not a debate forum, and that debates should be moved to PPR where they belong. People go to L&D to talk about their personal experiences, not to get into a fight about how their interpretation of those experiences is wrong and bad and sexist, etc, which leads to the acrimony that pervades that forum.