L & D - To What Extent Can We Discuss Gender Differences?

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Well, I only felt comfortable dating in December, so I went back into the dating scene for about 8 months. I faced a lot of rejection.
I was praying about it, then I got told to go to a certain place at a certain time. I ended up meeting someone who seems interested but time will tell.
I tried literally everything else but only met the wrong people. If this is a success I'll recommend prayer

God is a matchmaker in the bible. In the old testament he hooks up his favourite blokes with a wife pretty quick. he sometimes tells them to go to a certain place at a certain time too.

In the new testament its all about spreading the word and marriage is seen as an impediment to this and it is just tolerated. No romance in there, but the old testament has some relevance today..not much though.

The way I've written it makes it seem a lot more easier than it was . It was the result of a lot of prayer not just one, and I had to go through the bad 8 months to realise I'm dependent on God to get anything.
Previously to that I was single for 4 years but not feeling comfortable dating.
So I can't say how long it takes for each person.

Last edited by klanka on 02 Aug 2022, 9:10 am, edited 3 times in total.

Dating is a lot like telemarketing.  You must make a hundred calls to find the one person who shows interest in you.

Yeah, it is really rough being in this position for a multitude of reasons.

Where I specified about gender in my posts, it was because I've seen what I was talking about affect a lot of members of one gender, and I've seen it affect far fewer members of the other gender. I'm hesitant to extrapolate what I see happening disproportionately with members of one gender and claim that it happens to everyone equally. I fear that doing so could obfuscate gender dynamics and trends that might be contributing to what I perceive to be a disproportionately gendered issue.

In saying that, I should have acknowledged that my personal experiences have left me with biases, and those biases might be skewing my perception to some degree.

I don't want anybody to feel like I'm invalidating their struggles. I don't feel that I have done that, but if others feel that way, maybe I need to take that on board and try to be more clear with what I'm trying to say.

You don't need to mention it at all. Instead of saying that "men struggle with [such and such] in relationships," you could say that many people or autistics struggle. This is not about gender, and it's against the rules to say that a specific gender has it easier in L&D. That's just how it is. There are many other aspects of dating that people can discuss that don't involve supposed "disproportionately gendered issue(s)."

Those topics have been done to death anyway. It's not like there's much more to say on the matter that hasn't been said already.

Yeah, since university didn't work out, I want to see if it's possible for me to make a living as a trivia host. I may be getting a venue of my own in the near future.


They help me understand what's going on.

For instance, when I first started using Tinder, I did a lot of swiping and got very, very few matches. I'd thought I'd finally found the answer to my dating problems, so I was devastated, perhaps even to the point of being traumatised by receiving no interest. It made me feel like I was a deeply undesirable and unworthy human being.

It was only later when I realised the dynamics at play with those sorts of online dating sites, and that my experience isn't uncommon among men that I realised that my experience had less to do with me as a person and more to do with how those sorts of sites work.

Similarly, joining this website helped me realise that there are a lot of people out there on the spectrum dealing with what I'm dealing with, so the problem probably has more to do with the way being on the spectrum inhibits me than it does with who I am as a person. These kinds of realisations are what lead me to where I am now, where I'm not so sure that I am the problem.


I would agree, but I'd characterise that bad luck as the sum of all of my circumstances. Another thing I've come to realise is that I've been disadvantaged by a lot of things that have been working against me since the very beginning. That's not to say that it's impossible for things to work out for me, but just that I think I can understand why they haven't.

What if I'm talking about my own personal situation and citing the onus on men to initiate courtship as a potential inhibiting factor? What I'm trying to convey gets lost if I say "the onus on people to initiate courtship".

Some women are probably negatively affected by these gender roles too. If a woman doesn't get asked out by anybody, and she feels like she can't ask men out because that's emasculating or whatever, she'd be dealing with the other side of the issue I'm talking about.

It really isn't meant to be about "who has it better". It's about understanding the nuances of gender dynamics that play into the dating struggles of either or both genders.

You can certainly talk about your own situation without "citing the onus on men to initiate courtship as a potential inhibiting factor." Every single time it comes up in L&D, the thread inevitable turns into "women have it easier." Just avoid talking about it. It's been done to death anyway. It's not like there's much more to say on the matter that hasn't been said already. You could read back through the hundreds of posts that have already been made on that topic if you want to ruminate on it. It's best to just move on and try new things, including pieces of advice, that you haven't tried before, though.

I don't think nuanced discussions amongst mature people need to devolve into "who has it better", and to the extent that that happens, it should be the offending members who face consequences.

Like I said before, there are a lot of factors that play into my situation, and I think it's reasonable for me to want to acknowledge them, and talk openly and honestly about them. I probably wouldn't start a thread devoted to how men have to ask women out, and how that's specifically harder to do for autistic people. It would more likely be in the context of a more comprehensive analysis of the potential factors that have caused me to end up in the situation I'm in.

I don't think my ability to talk about my issues should be hamstrung by the fact that other members may or may not try to turn it into a "who has it better" thread. The mods can handle those people.

When I would get into the “why I cannot get a date?” mode, I would invariably fail. And I’ve seen many others fail, too, while extrapolating on all those social science theories, quoting them ad nauseum. I’ve been involved in these sorts of conversations since the 1970s.

The reality is that men usually have to overtly initiate contact, while at the same time discern subtle hints offered by women. It’s a hard business….but it’s reality.

Women have to put up with crap, too. They have to be extra vigilant because of the few creepy men out there, even though 90% or more of men aren’t creepy. And because things to happen to them which are life-changing in a negative sense.

Elliot Rodger got into big trouble because he attempted to offset these values, rebel against them by placing the onus on women. Then he got angry when women wouldn’t make the first move on him. Then….you know the rest!

The best thing to do, really, is to consider women as friends, first and foremost. Screw the gender wars. If sparks fly, cool. If not, cool as well. At least you made a friend in the bargain.

Get out of that Paralysis by Analysis mode. We are humans, first and foremost.

If you develop friendships with women, it’s less of an issue. With the people I’ve dated, we were friends first, so asking someone out wasn’t as much of a problem. We talked on the phone or hung out as friends until it became something more.

In order for that to happen, one has to meet people and develop friendships with them.

Also, women ask out guys more often than they used to. Some women on WP have done it. If I thought sparks were flying between me and some guy, I would make the first move if he didn’t. Been there, done that.

(This is less of a gendered issue than you might think. Talking about the difficulties of asking someone out could be applicable to both genders. Making this solely about males, once again, excludes female members.)

Those men who have never been asked on a date by a woman would likely be the first to say it never happens.

Probably.

Besides my own experience, here’s another:

viewtopic.php?f=6&p=9102727#p9102727

If I remember correctly, I think Isabella said that she has made the first move before, too (correct me if I’m wrong IL).

We are no longer living in the 1950s.

↑ Care to state some of the less-than-obvious reasons why a woman might not ask a man out?

(Obvious reasons: He is unattractive, acts like a jerk, is married, is too old or too young, et cetera)

Sure it happens.....but it only happened once with me----and that was back when I was 17, and she wasn't really asking me out for a "date," per se.

I just don't inspire women in that way, even though I'm thought of as being a "Don Juan." It's not a "failing" in me. it just "is." Women tend to be shyer about asking men out than the reverse, for many justifiable reasons, even though there are many men who are shy, too (and that includes me when I was younger).

I don't feel this should inspire a discussion about "gender," or about "who has it harder?" or anything like that. I just had adapt to my situation. My situation is that had I waited for a woman to "make the first move," I would never have ever dated a woman.

Of course, there are guys who are "luckier" than me, who have had women ask them out.

I know, should I become single again, that I won't count on a woman "making the first move" overtly----because it won't happen. Sure, it's possible that women will offer "subtle signs" of interest; that's happened to me---but, in my experience, it's been a rather rare occurrence.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 05 Aug 2022, 9:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

Here are some reasons why I might not ask a specific guy out:

- Desperate - If I feel like a guy is primarily interested in sex rather than in me as a person, it’s going to be a no-go.

- Nothing in common

- Incompatibility (no fundamentalists or conservatives for me)

- Does not seem interested in me - Conversational skills could help here. If a guy doesn’t ask me any questions about myself, I would assume that he’s not interested.

- Boring

- No sense of humor

- Negative attitude in general and/or towards women

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 05 Aug 2022, 9:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

Don’t you think that times may have changed since then? It’s been over 40 years since you were 17.