Parenting Forum

Post Reply New Topic

That could be a solution, except I personally find it a little bit strange, that in a forum entirely dedicated to autistic people , the parenting section has been taken over by people who are not autistic, and we will be relegated to a small corner of said section. Wouldn't it be more logical if it were the contrary?
I don't know how "separatist" what i said sounded, probably very. But i feel parenting is an important subject, and our specific issues on the subject deserve as much room as NT parents' issues in dealing with their AS kids.
If there is no other solution, let's go with moving the sticky to the parenting forum, though, it would still be a step forward. Not very humiliating.

To me, the idea was a bit interim, a way of getting something closer to what is needed until Alex has a chance to sit down and make a final decision on the idea. Since I used to take responsibility for parenting when I was a moderator, I had always hoped everyone would be safe and comfortable there, posting as AS parents or parents to an AS child, but if that isn't how people feel, that isn't how people feel.

I like to think that forum is currently being used for the benefit of autistic people too young to yet join our group, but I do understand what you are saying.

Pity really that it should become a division, because both types (NT or AS parents) have valuable insights that could help the other.

This is true of course, it can benefit the children, in some occasions.

How do we draw the line between people who are on the spectrum and people who aren't? Is it by self-selection? The reason I ask is that some posts above seem to assume that the only cause of disagreement on the parenting forum is NT versus Autistic Spectrum parents. First of all, I'm not at all sure where to categorize myself: I'm old enough that the diagnosis wasn't made in the US until I was well into adulthood, and I'm doing well enough that it seems silly to get a diagnosis at this point...but, (probably because I am on the spectrum) it seems disingenuous for me to describe myself as AS without a diagnosis. I would guess I'm not alone in this.

The reason I am here and not elsewhere is that I value particularly the feedback from people on the spectrum: I don't always agree with everyone, but that doesn't mean I value the feedback any less. I'm concerned that separating the forum into two parts will mean there are fewer posts from people who can help me understand myself and my son by offering their personal experience, something I think is better than the advice of any doctor or therapist, and the reason why I am here.

Certainly there are specific issues that a parent on the spectrum might have that an NT parent would not (e.g. sensory issues, teaching social skills when one is unsure of them, etc.) but there is a lot of overlap. I guess I am wondering what specific issues would be covered in a separate forum for parents on the spectrum that don't apply to the current forum - not saying there aren't any, just saying that it might be helpful to outline them, and see if a new forum is the best way to make sure that need is met. What I expressly don't want is for the parenting forum to suddenly become autism-free.

Like everywhere else in life, whenever I post here I worry that I've somehow offended people, or said the wrong thing, or in some other way have committed a social gaff without realizing it. I can understand how it doesn't always feel safe to share, especially if you're like me and don't know if a disagreement or lack of response has happened because a line was crossed somewhere - but I'm willing to manage my discomfort, because as it stands, the parenting forum is the best place I've found to help me help my son.

Hello, I'm new here and have been reading this forum for the better part of the day and just have to ask this question, what does NT stand for? At first I thought Normal Teen but don't think that's it and it's driving me crazy trying to figure it out.

Neurotypical.

Thanks!

The reason Parents Discussion on WP has a lot of NT parents is because it is the best resource of its kind. This is due in large part to the hard work of DW and many other regulars who post there. If it were not such a great forum, it would not be successful as demonstrated by the total number of posts and posting frequency.

I'd like to think that as parents we can all learn important things from each other regardless of neurology, because we still have to deal with similar issues such as the inanity of public school systems, how to get a proper diagnosis for our children, and how to teach our children to be independent. We need each other IMHO. When I post a parenting question, my child benefits most from a variety of perspectives and suggestions. Now clearly there are people who disagree and would prefer to have segregated parenting fora, but I think doing this would lower the quality of Parents Discussion and dilute its success.

I understand that parents on the spectrum may have unique questions that I may not have answers to, or they may not feel comfortable discussing their questions with a variety of neurotypes, and I respect their wishes to have a separate parenting forum. I just want everyone to be comfortable and happy. The sticky suggestion seems to be a compromise worth trying. Another possible suggestion would be to preface the title of threads with "AS Parents: [fill in the brackets with question]." I am certain that the vast majority of parents who contribute to Parents Discussion would respect a post with "AS Parents:" in the title.

Don't get me wrong, i do not wish to separate NTs from AS parents, and indeed the feedback can be interresting at times, but yes , the criterion would likely be self selection. A thread with a title such as " I get auditory overload from my children's noise" or " I can't stand my own child's hugs, please help" or " how do i deal with my neurotypical child manipulations" would not go over well in the parenting forum right now. Not because NT parents would respond by an attack, but because these are not questions we want an NT to deflect out of politeness, these are questions we want other parents in the same position to be able to help with, even if by just saying they are feeling the same.
The main problem is that it is well known that most parents on the parenting forum are NTs, and while most of them are lovely people, it makes AS parents shy away from asking direct and honest questions.
I have interacted on this forum, because i have an AS son, and i know what my feeling is about the interactions there, although i might have a difficult time explaining it. It is mainly a feeling of diffuse frustration. And constraint. It is hard to remember while posting on wrong planet that you cannot express your exact thoughts about a matter without entering a debate on semantics or morality.
I personally gave up on this forum, i know people there are good people, but if I feel i have an important issue with my son, I want to trust the answers to be coming from the poster's own reflexions, and to be written in a way i can comprehend, without having to translate political correctness and figures of speech into clear messages.

I don't think having a place where they could express their own problems as parents would deter AS people from trying to help the new generation by giving suggestions to their parents. It is just not the same topic!
I sometimes answer the threads asking for feedback from adult aspies regarding a child's behaviour or possible feelings in a concrete situation, and i enjoy doing this. It makes me reminisce of my childhood, and i like translating AS to NTs. But it would still be nice to have a place where i can be a grown up and parent myself.

I hear what you are saying, but I have these concerns about your assumptions: first of all, many parents may come across as NT and indeed may think of themselves as such - but may in point of fact be on the spectrum. Genetics is behind me on this. When I came here, I would have thought of myself as "weird" but NT...now I'm fairly sure I'm not "weird" but AS. Do I post as an NT parent? If we make a separate board, should I post as an AS parent? It's not clear to me.

I understand that you aren't trying to accuse anyone, but I don't think the debates on semantics and morality are exclusive to NT vs. AS discussions; I've seen them elsewhere on other boards on WrongPlanet. I think that the difficulties you describe are inherent to human communication, and will exist even if neurotypes are separated. Parenting is an emotionally charged issue, and one where there are many differing opinions and value systems. I am sorry you don't feel safe posting on the parent's board - I was trying to say that I don't always feel safe, either - but I think it's worth the effort to post, read and learn.

I do think that there are certain needs that we may not be addressing right now, and I like DenvrDave's solutions, but I really don't like the idea of segregating neurotypes.

Well then if segregation is not allowed , what we need is a revolution. Aspie parents, unite and post in the parenting forum, and we need to make sure everything goes smoothly, maybe by indicating as was suggested that this is an "AS parent" thread, (the one where the parent is autistic, unrelated to "AS parent" threads where the child is the autistic person, yes i have seen it used in this way) and then....i still worry what will happen. Will we have to redirect the thread to its original subject when the OP's parenting abilities are criticized? how is it not going to go off track is what i wonder.
If segregation is not allowed, we need to fight the existing one.
Let's start fearlessly posting in the parenting forum. I could try again, but if no autistic person reads the message because this forum is seen as a place where nothing is written that may concern them, I will be left facing strange and unexpected reactions to an innocent post i made again. I hope someone else starts first, but if noone does, i will.

Sometimes revolutions are positive, but I can certainly understand being hesitant to start one. One of the reasons I suggest a sticky thread is because with the sheer volume of new parents that find their way to the board, it is going to be difficult to keep the AS parent issue threads at the top well enough for AS parents like you to feel the safety of numbers. So maybe you'd have to be allowed to bump your own thread a lot, as well.

I've read this all with interest because, like I said, I had tried very hard to make the board a comfortable place for everyone. But, you've done a really good job of expressing why it may never have been possible. I do think, btw, that the accusations of bad parenting on that board rarely come from other parents: they tend to come from AS members who have integrated certain assumptions of what parents are supposed to do and think, and haven't learned to understand the gray of it. In my experience, parents rarely attack the decisions of other parents, even when they disagree with them, simply because you learn fast how meaningless it is to be attacked yourself (which all parents are, and constantly, because the rest of the world knows oh so much more than you do about your one unique child). But ... I could be wrong. Obviously you feel differently, so there must be experience to it that I somehow missed. Was that on the board, or out in the real world?

There was no one big traumatizing event that triggered this feeling. It is a general attitude, something more complex than just being insulted, or offended. Like i said, people there are nice people. But look at the threads! "how do i deal with my grown up AS son's attitude" being one of my main gripes, and a recurring topic. How can we exchange as equals when we are percieved as perpetually childlike? It is funny to note that most people coming in and defending the cause are childless AS people, they are more fearless. Indeed, as a parent, we are used to criticism, even coming from ourselves, and even I wouldn't dare to barge in and tell those people: " come on now. You're talking about an adult person, remember?" Because my opinion would be dismissed as childish, and yes, I have become softer since I have had my children. I don't go and start fights, if i can avoid it.
I am not talking about overt hostility. But it does feel like segregation, I do feel muzzled. Imagine living in the 40's, in that sexist environment, and talking to a male friend that you like and respect about the difficulties of being a married woman, and have him answer in a friendly way: "ah well, you think too much for a woman, it's easy: give your husband everything he wants and you guys will be fine".
He MEANS well. YOU don't feel understood.
Ok my example is a bit shabby. But i hope you get the feeling