Advice for my son

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My soon to be 11 yr old son was just diagnosed. So far he is mostly clueless on his social differences but he has a great deal of trouble relating to and communicating with others. I also have 3 younger children that can't understand why they need to "work around" him. He will be starting middle school next year and I'm scared to death of sending him alone.

I need what ever advice I can get on preparing him for the chaos of changing class every hour and fighting the hallway rush, as well as communicating to teachers that he's not being rude when he corrects them, he's just smarter than they are!

I also have a huge extended family that lives nearby, meaning tons of social gatherings, and he has a melt down every time. Is there anything I can do to help him?

Hi there. Welcome to WP.

I was that age when I first realized I was different. In fact, prior to age 10 I had no real appreciation of the fact that other people even had an independent mind. The biggest problem I ran into was bullying, which started at age 11 and didn't end until I graduated from high school. Back then nobody took it seriously, and I was therefore terrified of school.

I didn't find changing classes to be that big a deal, mainly since the whole class goes together to the gym or to the science labs. The real chaos for me didn't start until grade 10 (age 16) when each student had individual schedules and occasional empty periods for "study hall".

Don't force him to be too social. While socialization is a skill that can be learned and practised, you can also burn out if you try too hard just like any other educational experience. Even once he learns how to get along with people it will still be "work". Try doing one hour on (being around people), one hour off (being alone). Changing activities every hour will also help him learn to break his dependency on routines. Best to get that one out of the way as young as possible. (Technically, I never lost my routines, but simply made them shorter and shorter to the point that I *appear* to have a great deal of flexibility.)

thank you so much! great insight, good information!

This is something I had to teach myself, and may or may not work with other Aspies.

I did, and do, like playing boardgames. But then I discovered I could handle new situations better, sometimes, by treating them just like that: a new game:

It's a new game, it's got rules.
They don't have to make sense, they're just the rules of the game.

(as I got older that got more sophisticated, noting that sometimes the rules of the game include cheating, and that often the rules aren't written down, but you're supposed to spot the rules by observation, and that sometimes the best thing is not to play the game at all)

I could have used more guidelines, loose rules, when I was at school. I wasn't then a good observer, to pick such things up by watching and imitation.

That's a very good idea. He loves video and board games, and he's always been a stickler for rules. Thank you so much!

Also does your son like games and is he a sporty type?

He might find PE, sport and games the most trying time for him.

He enjoys playing but we just learned his left side is weeker and smaller, which has been causing the motor developement problems I'd noticed since he was 3. So he enjoys it, but he's usually picked last for teams, tires quickly and quits sports before his first game/race.
Now that I finally have documentation that something is wrong physically he should be getting therapy from the school, but starting jr. high in the fall could make that interesting.
I'm so torn about letting him do therapy at school, where it's free and doesn't take any more time out of our family schedule, but is obvious to all around him that he's different. So far he doesn't care but I know that will get worse as he gets older.
I've even thought hard about homeschool, since my other 2 boys will be full time next year and I will just have my 3 yr old daughter at home, but I also know I don't have the patience and follow through to make it happen. And that just means less "life experience" to learn from for him. I've been accused of protecting him too much for years, and I'm having trouble letting him venture out on his own.
Agh, I could write a book!
I feel like I have to catch up for the last 11 yrs, and that's a bit overwhelming.

Okay first off let him come here were all cool (well me moreso but there not that geeky.) Does your son know that he was dxed?, if not I would suggest telling him its nice to be able to put a word to your abnormalities. Next I didnt find middle school that hard besides for the fact that your with elementry schoolers from the day you started school (generally) so they know you well; middle school has all new people in it (that dont know your weirdness.) And teachers get smarter in middle school as they only teach one subject so they know it quite good so besides in your sons area of speciality the teachers should be smarter . My best idea with family gatherings is to let him get used to the people a few at a time and even that doesnt work all that well.
Bryan the TUOPHA (The Unofficial Official Parent Helper Aspie)

PS if you have any kind of messenger (like AIM or yahoo or msn) feel free to pm it to me as you can tell by my title I like helping .

I did explain to him (with my 8 yr old present to help him understand too- we're pretty sure he's got some sensory/ OCD issues too) that he's wired different. That it's not a bad thing at all, just that what most people are used to is not how he works.
He also has a tic disorder, so we discussed his brain sending a "bleh" message instead of a "focus on your homework" message. He enjoyed my spastic demonstrations!
I'm glad so many of you have said jr. high wasn't that big of a deal. I know he does do better when changes have at least been discussed before hand, so I need to stop worrying. We're planing a tour of the school too to let him see what things are like before we just drop him off in September. He does have an excellent therapist this year that has been a big help in getting him diagnosed, but his teacher is completely disorganized with no structure to her class at all and I know that has been stressing him out this year. Hopefully they will listen to me about teacher placement next year.
And I will get him on here after school today, let him see he's not alone... We're pretty sure my dad is an Aspie too, but he has learned his own coping skills and things we're all crazy for suggesting such a thing. But he has offered to spend more time one on one with Alex, they both play a mean game of Chess/ Stratego!

You might want to add that even if it's tough in junior high, high school tends to be much easier. In high school you have a lot more freedom to pick the levels you work at and, at least at the higher levels, work is a lot looser and less 'you will do this because I say so.' There's less make-work. Also, high schoolers tend to deal better with an Aspie in their midst than junior high kids, who are at one of the snipiest ages ever. Stick out junior high and the rest is comparatively easy.

Thank you! that was a good reminder... While jr high really stunk for me, I was able to blend in more during high school. I'm beginning to think I have more Aspie qualities than I had realized As long as he know he can talk to me and my husband about what he's feeling, I think we'll be okay.

Yeah, junior high really sucked for me too (worst three years of my life; sent me into a nasty depression, dx'ed at eleven), but high school has been like a breath of fresh air. Once you get to actually learning at a high level, school becomes much more fun.

I think it also depends on the school and the particular pick of students an Aspie is put in with. For some people, middle school was the worst experience in life, for others high school was hell on earth, and then there's those who hated school all the way through.

For me, middle school was some of my best years (well, 7th and 8th were great; 6th was blah) but then high school was rough, not because of the students (they were nice enough), but because home life became unpredictable and I became incredibly depressed. College slowly got better and now it's awesome.

It's different for different people. And even though we're all Aspies, your son is very much an unpredictable individual. Which means he won't necessarily have a horrible time in middle school, but it's always good to prepare so that he can have as productive and enjoyable coming year as possible.

Helping him to gain a positive attitude about this and reassure himself that he can definitely have a good year is an excellent idea. Given that he's an Aspie in a new situation, he'll probably get teased a bit and feel bad sometimes. But help him with a "pick myself up and dust myself off and start all over again" attitude. This can be indespensable because school is rough for all kids and disappointments are inevitable. But taking the focus off of those and putting them on the good things can help him recover faster and continue once again to enjoy himself.

Well put! Thank you so much for your advice! I agree, we all have good days and bad days, and what I need to do is help him focus on the glass being half full, and moving through those bad times with out focusing too much attention on them.
I am so glad I posted here! You have all been a great help!

For me, middle school was some of my best years (well, 7th and 8th were great; 6th was blah) but then high school was rough.

I went to a middle school for smart people, and I had no problems. The people were nice and I got 1 on 1 with all my teachers. Now, if your son rides the bus, place him up front where the camera can monitor him as my parents did this to me. If likes to eat luch with a teacher, let him. He/she will understand him more and how he reacts.

I socialize with grown ups more that people my age. It helps out because if your son has a problem with a student picking on him, those grown ups will support him rather than the students.

I hate big crowds and my teachers let me sit outside and read. Does your child have a 504? If not, get one. I would like it if he would PM me , or contact me via myspace. Its myspace.com/kinghunter.

Hunterton[/quote]

He'll be at a regular public school, so not much one on one there, but he doesn't have to ride the bus. He could walk but he tires quickly and he doesn't pay enough attention at intersections that I trust him to cross two busy streets. I've always walked with him or driven him and will probably continue to do so.
I've never heard of a 504, but I'm going to assume it's similar to our IEP's (individual education plan). Big meeting next week with all the school therapists, shrinks, teachers and principal, so hopefully we'll get the ducks in a row and start quacking.