Help for a 30 yr old for continued education

Post Reply New Topic

He has many different interests...most of them solitary or with his brothers whom he feels safe with. Teaching/taught himself guitar.

The poker sounds interesting...

Not trying to be nosey, but how is your relationships going with AS? Did you recently come to this conclusion, or ...well...how did you first realize that you may possibly have AS?

I lived on my own from 1985 to 2008. Since Oct. 2008, I have been living with my parents. It is not exactly the greatest thing in the world.

It' great they are there for you. What happened that you're with them now? I realize many with adult AS tend to have problems with employment. My BF is, altho he is currently employed, I can see problems...
I went to another lecture by Jesse Spaerstein on his book, Atypical.
Also...I got a Tony Atwood book...
Hoping it will shed some light. My nice time with Tim was short lived. I am now walkig on eggshells again...

ooh, try not to walk on eggshells, I know it can be hard. Be matter-of-fact and direct about your own needs, too. A difficulty with Aspergers is patchy social skills, so it's very easy to think 'if a person can do this, then . .' and not necessarily the case

------

yeah, substantial employment difficulties

my next relationship I'm going to tell her, ' . . I'm also an advocate and activist for persons on the autism spectrum, because I myself . . am a person on the autism spectrum.'

'Yeah, no s**t.'

'In some ways. In some ways, not so high functioning'

-----------------

and I'm going to try and specifically tell her about patchy social skills.

---------------------------------

And I'm going to try and communicate that my intellectual and activist work is as important to me as a relationship. At least at first, a relationship can mean a great deal.

===================


And all this, and I'm going to try and take it in medium steps and you see how that's difficult!

one relationship, I hurt her because I was trying to be the "good" version of myself, rather than the robust, full-bodied version of myself

another relationship, I was hurt. She just wasn't as into me as I was into her.

That sounds good...probably best to be forward & up front. Aspies have many wonderful qualities, such as loyalty. Most men do not have this.

My newest problem with Tim is...I think with the new job & orientation, he feels overwhelmed...and a relationship with me is making it moreso.

I asked him about what kind of activities sounded good to him. Most did. Then after I said good...but I am also gonna be going and doing these things whether or not you feel you can participate. I made sure (or so I thought) that I put it in a loving manner. Stating I WANTED him to join me, but if he chose not to...that's ok also...

He said he felt I was being "manipulative." Of course I felt I wasn't...stated when we were friends mths ago, I asked him the same thing everytime I had an activity planned & asked him to join...asked him to go back in time (what was so different then?) , also asked him to put himself as a third person...what advice for me would he have (sit home & wait or do the activities)? After i asked him (becoming emotional) why he seemed to "hate" me, cos this is how it felt...he said he doesn't...and why I am the focus of negativity lately...and mentioned I feel like I am walking on eggshells...he did acknowledge, but not apologize, for this...stating he has been "moody" lately and again stating he did not hate me.

Well I have concert tickets in July...mentioned to him, if he wants to go, he should ask for the time off, if not...no pressure...I have not heard back from him since last nite.

I feel maybe I am giving too much, what's the word? Input....no...
Well..maybe with the new job it's all too much to process, so I am choosing to let him contact me when he feels up to it...
Is this the right thing to do?

roryboryalice, you might be an order of magnitude off how much alone time and processing time he REALLY needs. Some of the get togethers might be like an imposition, he most probably doesn't "hate" you, but the events, at times, might feel like an imposition, and he might feel that you should pick up when the signs are such that he is clearly not game on for social interaction.

In addition, can't depression take on a momentum all its own and become biochemical?

okay, the fellow nurse that's a bit of an idiot, and sounds like persecuted somewhat persecuted him. That kind of stuff I find just crushing, crushing. That someone can put their own ego ahead of the welfare of the people they are supposed to serve. And then they can defend their ego by attacking me

It takes me months to get over something like this. And sometimes years.
(where else are I going to fit in? Apparently, this is kind of a norm, this is kind of the way the world is)


-------------

even know, at age 47, I'm beginning to think that I have less of a stranger-stranger wall than most 'normal' people. That makes me effective in holding a clipboard and asking people for signatures in a real and respectful way on a political petition. It can help in sales (as long as the company is medium ethical). It can help in art, keeping it real.

But it does come at a cost

('repertoire' 'skill sets' not perfect, even a quaterback is not perfect, has a repertoire of skills. These are some things I am thinking about these days. So, I am currently open to adding skill sets to my repertoire, but I've got to do it at my own pace)

------------

All this, plus his new job

I have overcompromised on jobs. I have compromised essentials. I have learned that good compromise is about surface things 'Okay, alright' and we might do the new task or new way for a while, then go back to the old way which kinds of works. And most organizations, there's just a world of difference betwee theory and practice, and no one's particularly interested . . .

All this ponderousness, it's hard to carry on a relationship.

But, the Aspie traits, like loyalty, many of them are very good

And he most probably does care about you, a lot

still, it's going to catch you off guard, the patchiness of his communication skills. That he gets some things, but not others. Hardly any way it could not catch you off guard

So you're kind of in a position where you need to add new skills, medium skills, a respectful way of feeling him out whether or not he needs you to directly spell something out (and I tell myself that nothing always works, all of us, each and every one of us are just too complicated) so just like with a normal person, where spelling something out does not automatically work, neither is it the case for an aspie person

So, yeah, you kind of need to feel him out, and move back and forth, sometimes more direct, sometimes less. A good skill might be bringing up something in a medium way on two separate days

The concert, there's a lot of sensory input, a lot of stuff with parking and so on that are kind of negotiation issues. Then you witness and participate a lot of human activities that are exuberant, and there's some blurring between positive and negative (someone yells something at a concert, it's kind of cool, but still . . . ) So, there's a lot to process. And if he's in a processing phase, rather than acquiring new experiences/new information phase . .

So, a concert may not be the best choice.

Maybe something impromptu, calling him up spur of the moment when you feel like Chinese and asking him if he wants you to bring some over, and the two of you kind of have a picnic in the living room.

Now, I would generally say, back off and kind of let him pursue you, but with him maybe struggling back and forth with depression that kind of changes things.

Aarkvark-

You sound almost as if you know him.
The one nurse WAS singling him out...well, she tries to do various things to get others going, but she usually backs off me cos !. I am onto her & her shenanigans 2. I am her equal (as Tim was not, she had SOME power over him, which irked him to no end cos he actually is a way better nurse) as far as on the floor. As an LPN, they work under your license, even tho they have their own, so she used that to find little picky crap that didn't matter, wouln't matter...always pick, pick, pick away...I tend to focus on the positive, with everyone (except her now...she has been on my list & not because of Tim, but NOW, because of this I figure, what goes around comes around, plus she did do one major potentially dangerous incident, which was "overlooked" by the company, probably to protect themselves...long story short, if Tim had gone ahead with the info he had found on this and presented it to the patient's Dr, she probably would not be there & Tim may still be).

The concert may not be right...he is 30 and has only gone to one before, not with me. It is one of those screamer band type, someone I like, which he had said "Ill bet that's a good show live." I did think this after my last post, maybe too much sensory input at one time. He still has not gotten back to me on this, so I will not be offended if he says no, but still gonna go. OR...if he chooses to go, I will remember to ask to go in the back, not in the middle of it all, somewhere as neutral as possible. Maybe even opt to leave if I see he is not handling well, but make it appear as if it is my choice so not to have him feel blamed.
OT3P. Look her up. Listen to actual lyrics, esp Perfectly Flawed. It's the kind we both found out we like. If you met me in person, or him, you would never guess it by looking at us.

I didn't contact Tim for over a 24 hr period, but when I did, he answered right away. I think he did get worried. It probably was best to wait and give him time to miss me. He did not say, but I think he wanted to see me but it was impossible because I was in NYC at the Bodies exhibit I had asked himif he wanted to go but declined. Maybe another time. I can tell he has regrets for declining, but the new job, etc (plus he has family issues with his brothers with whom he feels a fatherly responsbility over & one seems to be in alot of trouble much of the time...so more drama for him) that, in his depressed state, he feels "tired" much of the time. Maybe when he becomes more relaxed in this new job we can have at least some down time from all this.

Plus...I am learning, from you, Thank you, new ways of coping with a relationship that isn't quite one, or at least not in the conventional way, but on other levels, better....I just may have to sacrifce more than I used to...I feel we are more like Barney Fife & Thelma Crump...see each other so little but still considered the GF. When he's more stable from this depression, I am gonna nicely insist on some kind of regular "date night" or something. Would this be acceptable? If he says he will do something, he will. I do not wish to be seen as "manipulative" but I just want to SEE him, depressed or not. Once he is with me for awhile, 20 min or so...he relaxes...and we get along famously...this is why I have difficulty understanding when he says he doesn't want to see me because of depression, but he will txt or IM all nite...so why not just come over?

Yes...depression can become biochemical...yes...he still obssesses over what the other nurse did to him. My friend, another nurse we worked with, feels he has a difficult time facing me because what action he took was the wrong way to handle it and she feels he thinks alot of me as a professional, he even had asked me once, you wouldn't have done that, would you? I was honest and said no...but understood, on some level, wy he did, but that it was not an acceptable way for a professional nurse to handle it. It compromised the patient's safety. So...maybe he has a difficult time with this also, but I have forgiven it. He is the one who brings it up. We tried to get him reenstated, but the ultimate answer was no. I would even have stayed on as a permanent employee (I am a traveling nurse, so if/when I leave, it may also mean I leave this entire area, something Tim is well aware of) if they had kept Tim on...sometimes I feel I should've left also. BUT...as I said, I would not be in the area, which I am until Oct 2010, for sure and will try for longer, or someplace close. THIS may play some part in his depression also, but I made it clear I do not intend on leaving him....we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I have Asperger's and I am going back to school for a medical career. I am going to be a Histology Technician, since I will be working in a lab without dealing with people. I also love tissues of the human body and labs are very quiet. I actually started back up with school back in September when I was 30, after a 12 year absence from college. Now, I am an A student and it is the best decision I ever made.

Thank You, Psygirl6!

That's what I mean. I think he wants to try, but keeps procrastinating, thinking there's not enuf funding, or worrying about other things. I am so glad to hear you're doing soooo well! I know Tim will also!
I think much of it was my "co-worker" who caused so much trouble. With this new job, I am hoping he can start to see this again...