Help for a 30 yr old for continued education

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Okay, you can stim, you can take breaks, you can be weird, you can be yourself.

You can focus on content. on the content of the messages back and forth. Without the necessity and the possible distraction of the context, a real person there, even a real person you like very much, tone of voice, pace of vocal, all that. Responding to context takes quite a bit more energy and you kind of need to be on the top of your energy game.

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John Stuart Mill may have been Aspie, hard to tell. One biographer speculated that John liked his future wife more as a letter writing partner before they were married than a spouse after they were married. This is also hard to tell, for once they're married going to be fewer letters for future historians.

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Just in a matter-of-fact, easy, casual way give him permission not to be perfect, including the part with the nurse and how to handle the patient. It's probably good that you were honest, I don't think you made a mistake, now that's just texture. How would he knew? Maybe take the approach (wait for him to bring it up again if he does) how would he know in advance how to handle this very difficult situation without having the experience. And doctors make mistakes, learn from there, and keep moving forward.

It's about colleagues and you are a colleague. Fellow professional. And as well as his significant other.

Be ready for this conversation. But also let it end rather abruptly more so his terms (trust yourself feel and texture regarding this, but don't overpush him and try and slam dunk him that he needs to believe a specific way) You might also confess a mistake to him, but it can't just be going through the motions, it has to be something that bothers you that you think/feel he might be able to help you with

Okay, when I worked for H&R Block, another co-worker described it as "predatorial lending" but then he kind of bailed, saying that he would follow up if the credit card company kept on trying to contact him.

I followed a middle course, generally pretty successfully, that we've got to inform our clients that the bank we use "cross-collects" for old bank debt for third-party banks. (only one out of 100 clients, maybe once or twice a season to a preparer's clients, but it is of course devastating when it happens)
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Okay, long story short, I couldn't believe that more of my co-workers were not concerned about this! A big thing is that people think they're going to get commission and talk themselves into conforming because of this. Even though hardly any first-year people get commission

Then, I think my co-workers would focus on context not content. I thought we had a duty to stand with our clients (biggest issue was people not getting the loan when they had a perfectly good tax return, in fact not even informed that it was a loan application). I would even sit at the desk and call the bank with the client even they were very upset. Not that it did any good, but at least they knew that I cared. (if I work a future season going to try something different, for it's all about communicating upfront)

I think most of my co-workers, client has become a pill, is acting rudely. Therefore bail.

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Okay, so us Aspies look at morality differently (and not always better, because we can give up and conform, and not have the middle skills on how to conform in a more constructive way)

So, it's not just this craftily dishonest nurse that sub rosa attacks people

her boss is not sufficient with-it to know what is going on ? ! ?


That the system works this poorly? That we have the theory of how things are supposed to work and then we have the practice of how things actually work, and never shall the 'twain meet? I guess so. Much of the world. Yeah.


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So, you can help by being the heavy (say 60 to 70%) of the time, and criticizing this nurse---and the system---artfully, cleverly, like a movies say how British people use profanity, and at times for comic relief, what namecalling a elementary student might use. It's a tough thing. You can go overboard. But ping-pong it back and forth and find that middle . . something.

So, you play the heavy, give him the gift of playing Ghandi.

And then, maybe like 30-40% of the time, switch it up let him play the heavy, you the middle-of-the-road


PS I once heard the Dali Lama give a speech. A person asked a question, "Do you not feel any anger toward the Chinese?"
He answered, "Occasionally, some irritation."
(see how it's more fun to play the Ghandhi role?)

Angel of Clarksville, IN January 20, 2010
http://consumeraffairs.com/finance/hr_block_ral.html
“ . . . No I was denied!! Ok, I'm not mad yet! I called HSBC ( the lender )!
“I was transferred to the collection Dept. The lady pulled up my account and said I owe H&R Block 429 from "2004". Now I'm a little upset, so I asked "Why did you wait almost 7 years to tell me?" I heard 100 excuses and not one made since to me. She told me I would have to call H&R Block and find out. . . ”

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And Angel's experience of course becomes worse.

And this kind of thing happened all the time. In fact, not only did H&R Block have more angry customers than any business I have worked in, it had more angry customers than any business I have ever seen!

(and this is not even the bad kind of "cross-collection." That happens when a single parent is getting substantial earned income credit to the tune of several thousand dollars and presumably, from everything I can see, really, really needs the money! The long 'contract,' and other paperwork the customer is asked to sign is both vague and scary. And it's unclear whether it's any old bank debt or just previous refund anticipation loans. Again, relatively rare, only 1 out of 100 clients, maybe less, thank goodness. But a lot of other angry customers who are not getting the loan and not getting a straight answer why not)

Another wonderful Aspie trait...justice...

Some seem to feel Aspies are actually like an evolved human...new agers feel this...in a good way, of course. This is why they are misunderstood.
More spiritually evolved.

Your thoughts?

I am having a "blue" day trying to deal with the ups & downs, so forgive me if I write so little today...

That's fine. I'm kind of a fast typist, you don't need to write much.

And kind of a "blue" day? I guess just give yourself space like you give your boyfriend space


(and it's not all bread and roses. I kind of have a vengence streak, from years of social and economic exclusion. Still, all things considered, I think I'm doing all right)

Yes, we can make a substantial contributions. We can care about strangers and about societal issues. It is nice to have a little solidarity and connection along the way.

So again...this New Age thinking aspies are more spiritually evolved...maybe because they do ave difficulty relating to on eperson, but seem to wish to help society as a whole. Have you heard of this? Your thoughts?

I just rented online "Adam" about an aspie/NT relationship. I do see many traits as in the movie, but "Adam" is much more social than Tim...
Adam has a breakdown, similar...he looks in the mirror and busts his head into it, Tim shaved his...he got mad at his GF when he felt she lied...Tim was mad at me for being what he perceived as "manipulative."

Have you seen this one yet?

There is also another movie out "If You Could Say It In Words." I cannot get any info one where to rent it, or even see it.. It is an independant film.

Aardvak-

You called it all exactly right. I feel so much better now. I have not lost my best friend. He is just depressed. He called. We had a heart to heart. He was as I remember him. I told him all he has to do is keep me informed, talk to me, see me once in a while. He agreed. He was not upset with me at all. I just have to tell him what I need while at the same time, respecting knowing he is sometimes unable to participate in activities where there's alot of outside stimuli.
No concert for him, tho. I understood. He even said himself it would be too much for him. But I was ok about it. We are trying to plan things where there's not alot of people around. Like exploring these mines in the area near where he works. Plus he hates sunlight & heat, so that helps that.
Thank you soooo much!
Namaste,
Colleen (my real name)

Colleen,

You're very welcome! I'm very glad I was able to help. Now, I have not seen those two movies. But I have seen "Mozart and the Whale," parts of which I liked. And I have also enjoyed some episodes of Boston Legal where they have the character Jerry Espenson. Jerry has mannerisms and verbal tics that make it obvious that he's different. Now, the funny thing is, in some ways it might make it easier for him to fit in, because it's obvious enough that people's beliefs about giving others a chance and being fair might kick in. Whereas when it's subtle, it's below the threshold when people verbalize it to themselves, but the person just feels uncomfortable and shies away. Maybe.

Okay, the part about helping society at large but having difficulty about relating to an individual person, yeah, that's interesting, isn't it?! I remember reading about an 1800s reformer and laughing out loud in partial recognition of myself when the author wrote that the person seemed to only like people as abstract members of a large group.

With humanitarian work, you can do it in steps, sit back and revel, plenty of time to plan and take the next step. Face to face social, no where near this time. Face to face social, mistakes are just part of the texture as one moves forward in a generally and vaguely positive direction. And I'm still working to wrap my mind around that.

yeah, the part with exploring caves seems like a fun possibility. I think I still might recommend a mix of planned activities and impromptu activities. And some other people can be nice, as long as the thing isn't totally out of control. Maybe a club the two of you could attend on a monthly basis, like kayaking (if it's morning trips before it gets too hot), or maybe taking sign language classes together (some potential long-term benefit for work, but mainly just fun for the here and now), or politics (I remember attending twice a month city council meetings for a while, and it was as interesting as the show West Wing, and in many ways these local people were more impressive than national politicians who can all too easily be plastic, and it might give the two of you something to talk about later on, and might talk with other citizens in low-key fashion while there, although in the time I was attending, me and a young libertarian couple were the only regular attendees, Amazing!)

Maybe when things get settled more I will suggest something we can do together...he was MIA again yesterday. No response...so I just let it go...again.
Oh well...not gonna sweat it. I was also reading a blogsite, Living With Aspergers & this man was describing different reasons, even in a couple situation, why you may not hear from your Aspie partner. I honestly do not feel that "cheating" vibe I usually get (with past BFs) & am right about...I just get the "something came up or I'm busy with this or that" vibe....it's funny, but I can be kinda the same way, except I can be way more social, so I have traits, but know I am not like this...so I actually DO understand...well...for the most part, I do.

Everything I read explains more & more...helps me become more understanding.

I am into SOME psychics...hear me out...I feel everyone is psychic on some level, but about once a year I indulge & get a reading. Well...I did ask yesterday about Tim. She said an interesting thing & I would like your feedback on this. She said to watch his pupils for "clues" for when things are not going well for him, they will dilate more.
This was interesting for me, so I did research on this. Many Aspies notice it is the norm for their pupils to be dilated, or become more dilated when they are feeling stressed or feeling too much stimulation. I wonder, and it is speculative, if this is one reason a "symptom" is a dislike for sunlight? Or if, when having an acute episode of anxiety somehow everything becomes even much more stimulating? Touch, sounds, light...Tim has made reference to this. Sometimes he loves touch, sometimes he would rather not...I used to rub his head in a motherly fashion & he loved it...other times, he prefers I don't. I wonder if something triggers & then everything just "opens" up?
Which makes me also wonder if what some New Agers believe is true...Aspies are Indigos...more psychic, more evolved spiritually...and sometimes it is too much? Then one feels the need to "shut down?"
One, here on Wrong Planet, when I googled "aspergers dilated pupils" stated something like sometimes felt like someone put something into their drink...I myself felt like this (and was not drinking), occasionally...have you had this experience? Is this another feeling of too much stimulation?
I find this interesting...

Is he on disability, or is diagnosed. Even if he is not on disability but has a diagnosis, maybe you should try to see if he can see a state rehabilitation services. This is not a day program or anything. Where I live here in the states, we have an Office of Rehabilitation, where they give you a career assessment and help you find a career or job. They even will help pay for school or training if the job you want require such needs. It is a great program and actually even though I get the Pell grant to pay for school, but this program is helping with other funding, such as equipment for my classes, and they even paid for me to get an evaluation to re-diagnose my Asperger's. This is a great program and actually I recommend it to anyone.

Thank You! I was wondering if there were something like this.
At this time it is not an official diagnosis.
What happened was when he freaked out at work, which was NOT his norm, I wondered why. I looked up many things, but when I googled, Aspergers kept coming up. Aspergers meltdown. He's 30 yrs old & had a tantrum & quit his job! I toyed with it.
Then he went into major depression. He even was trying to self diagnose himself, thinking anti-social/sociopath. That saddened me he thought this of himself. He doesn't fit most of the criteria for those except he has social issues. He is very kind. He just doesn't like being around alot of people.
But he does fit much of Aspergers...which I am aware everyone is an individual.
Light sensitiviy, social anxiety, high IQ, awesome memory & quick to learn...and read...he reads at an astonishing rate I have never seen before....his vocabulary is amazing, I have to google many of the words he usues, I have some idea, but mostly I look it up to make sure (this is a young man who was home-schooled much of his life...and not well...he was left to learn pretty much on his own)...taking much said literally (he can joke very well (with ones he feels close to), but since this, he takes most things literally, but it may be because he is still in a somewhat "crisis" mode). Stiff gait, staring, but avoids direct eye contact. Totally honest. Needs for justice. Monotone voice much of the time. Very few friends. Failed relationships, but very few. Monogamous when he is in one. Panic attacks, depression. He feels "lost" at this point. Inability to hold a job. Outside stimuli, alot of it, makes him very anxious.
He has one or two "hobbies" that keep him occupied, then once in a while he changes them. He stays in his room & is quite happy being alone, prefers it much of the time. Low self-esteem (but at other times he feels above others, but mostly it is low...
I took a friend, also a nurse, with me to a lecture of a local author who has Aspergers. Although Tim does not appear exactly as this young man, many things he said & many of his mannerisms similar. My friend agreed...why I took her so that I wasn't trying to fit Tim into a diagnosis.
Tim has heard my theory. He is in denial at this time. I think he feels it is a disability, which, on some level it is (and with this he could use to his advantage), not just another way of looking at the world.
He also may have some ADD. We wnet to something & he had difficulty sitting still.
He mentioned some of his past, so much of this makes sense also.
One day he may decide to get a diagnosis. If not, I will just be well aware of his cues & try to help.

I don't think of myself as psychic per se. Although I know how to lucid dream. I know how to use self-hynosis. I attended a Buddhist variety of group meditation, and even though two people asked if I had received training I think because I let myself experience and show facial expressions, I still got a lot out of it and the fact that other people were doing it at the same time added a lot.

I took a class on voice and acting. the instructor showed us Fitzmaurice Tremoring Voicework. Neat! alpha stage meditation (of course like all of this, doesn't always work, subtle)

about needing time . . .

around 1996, I saw "City of Joy" with Patrick Swayze at Friday night Unitarian movie night. the lady promoting it really liked it. I think she kind of looked at it like "Schindler's List," and I could see how someone could look at it that way, although for me it didn't work at all. There was cruelty and meaness in the movie, stupid meaness. And to me unresolved. I don't think the positive ending would have realistically happened.

And literally all day Saturday, I wrote about the movie. I would write, talk a walk where I would think through what I was going to write, write, walk. Go to the university library to read something technical as kind of a break. Walk, write. I probably spent five hours sitting at my desk at home writing. That's too much of a good thing. Even though I have tried my hand at screenwriting at various times of my life (and in a sense this plays to strength), that's still too much of a good thing.

5 hours writing. That's often how I attempt to resolve things. Part of the issue was that other people didn't see the movie like I did.

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Sunday---go to Unitarian church and social afterwards. Another lady, an older lady who is a Holocaust survivor and had spoked at the church and really a neat lady (she was married to a German military officer, he was pressured to divorce her but he never gave in an inch, she was a medical student or young doctor, after the war, she ran a dept neonatal, something like that, and said without the experienced nurses she would have never made it, that that young, she had no idea how to take care of 50 sick babies)

And she approached me at social bothered by the movie. And she used the word cruelty. Now the fact that I had thought through the movie (at great length!), I was able to kind of play a coach and a steadying influence. But, look at all the prep work

(the people running the movies drew the wrong lesson, which was to get safer movies---as if you can shock this elder lady who's both a Holocaust survivor and a physician! No, I don't think so. The lesson, go ahead and have movies that tell the world the way it is, but movies that have an adequate resolution. And that very much is an artistic judgment.)

2nd grade . . .

going over to a "friend's" house (later decided he treated me as more of a mascot). His older brother had made a chain of beer can tops. The image immediately hit me as very neat! I envisioned each round ring as about 10 feet in diameter, with thickness and texture, would be difficult to climb, but neat to get to the next level, then the level after that . . . I started to envision different plot elements (see, I've long had an interest in screenwriting!)

Wanted to get alone so I could imagine and pretend. A very strong desire to get alone to imagine and pretend

Maybe because he has very high personal standards. And like every person may have a dark side which is in contrast to his higher aspirations, in Jungian terms I think this is called the shadow ? ? ? Also, this guy wrote this poem around 1800, Tyger, Tyger, burning bright . . . that what seems like negative energy, no, no, it's not necessarily negative. I struggle with this, too.