Help for a 30 yr old for continued education

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Okay, Steven Spielberg has wondered out loud if he has Asperger's. Bill Gates (but that can be a trap, too, no, we don't have to be like Bill Gates, and I tend to be more of a social studies nerd)
And on maybe the not so positive side, Pres. Richard Nixon and chess player Bobby Fischer, yeah, a case could be made that both of them had Asperger's. Yes, the President of the United States, and he probably should have been a sports writer instead, like he once mused.

Aardvark-
Sorry I haven't been online for awhile. I appreciate your advice. It helps me put things into perspective hearing what you have gone thru with suspected Aspergers & what Tim is going thru.
You should just go ahead & write, BTW...don't worry about what others think, or may think until you send it out and then remember that many famous plays, movies, etc, were originally rejected, so never take it personally. Why not write on Aspergers?

As for Tim, I guess I have to look at our relationship way differently then any other. On one level we are very close, but since the loss of the first job, not so much physically. And he hates to worry me and squash my zeal for life, so he has been less & less talking about his depression. I know it's still present, so I am giving him time (like his brothers do), but it's difficult for me. I don't want him to pull away completely. I have seen on "Life With Aspergers" blog that many Aspies pull away from a NT for many reasons, but not because the love still isn't there.
But I'm not gonna allow those negative thoughts into my head.
I will write later, I have much to do today.

I tried to watch that movie you mentioned. I googled it, and found it in parts on youtube. I had never even heard of it before. That's strange cos I am kind of a movie buff myself.

Yeah, he is probably afraid of burdening you. Okay, now, what you might be able to do is ask for his help for a practical problem, and that kind of gives him permission to ask for your help.

And as far as a person with Asperger's being able to help with a social situation . . . I worked at a furniture sales place, in which the two or three seasoned sales people would sometimes discuss a sale or prospective sale, I imagine rather like two baseball players discussing a play. It was amazing, and I liked it a lot! In addition, when I was playing poker and reading CardPlayer magazine, some of the columnists would have really great in-depth discussion of a single hand. So, what I'm trying to say, the informational content of a social event, your boyfriend may be able to legitimately help you. The feeling aspect, owning and moving forward with my own feelings, I'm still adding to my skill set, and I guess learning more as a second language.

A girlfriend from ten years ago, she was on medication for depression. Okay, we were going to drive down to the beach one evening. One freeway had had several shootings on it, so we took another freeway to another beach. It was like on this occasion when she was actively depressed, she lost her confidence to make decisions by feel and texture, and instead kind of relied on clunksville logic.

Now, roryboryalice, you might be able to giv me advice with something . . .

When I meet someone new, I feel it takes me a long time to disclose. And to a considerable extent, she's seeing me at my most social and game-on. Now, that's part of who I am, but it's not all of who I am.

Because I'm different, I thnk it might three times as long to share myself with someone as in a 'normal' relationship, maybe longer! Okay, so be it. But how to communicate that, and how to enjoy the process and make this a positive.

arkvark-
I will have to admit, in some ways Tim is sooo frustrating to me. I have a pretty good self-esteem, but I do not like being the one to intitate conversation or text all the time. He supposedly likes that & told me this before we were even dating. I said, "I don't like to be the one to call" he said "if someone doesn't call me, I feel they are no longer interested." So I call, he doesn't always answer, that or texts. It's frustrating.
So...my intial thing is, please show interest. A woman likes to feel desired. Don't call too much, but even once a day, or a text. But this is. of course, after you have established some kind of relationship.
Ok...you have no trouble intitally meeting women? Sounds like you have dated. Dates don't always have to be in a crowded area. In fact, a nice quiet restaurant is always nice. Get to know one another, focus on similar interests.
Being an Aspie (and by writing back & forth), you're probably extremely intelligent. Most women love this. If I found a nice guy with a gimpy leg I could talk to, I personally do not care what the outside shell looks like. Looks don't hurt. Cleanliness a must. But nothing beats an intelligent man. So dazzle her with this.
So....when do you disclose possible Aspergers? Hmmmm....that's tricky. It's tricky because all the info about Aspies & NT is primarily negative. I think it CAN work out if the lines of communication stay open (and you seem the type to remember this, but I also thought Tim was better at it, then this happened and HE was the one who said to me..."If there's ever a problem, let's talk about it.").
I hope you remember this if something happens and you go thru depression or a time when you feel you need time alone. Depending on your partner's past relationships, this could be wherein a future problem arises.
Relationships become serious at different rates. I do not dare say to disclose this right away or 5 mths later. It all depends on the seriousness of the relationship. If it doesn't work out, then why say anything after like 4 dates? But sometimes 4 dayes becomes serious fast. It depends on how the two of you connect.
I guess I would have to say that if you feel a connection, then tell her ASAP. First, tell her you feel this. Ask her what her feelings are on this. If it is positive, then tell her about your ASD. Have a book available, some info. There's so much positive about it, like loyalty. But...some Aspies lose interest and may still love you, but they have another "hobby" that gets in the way.
Also...it all depends on how much of an independant person she is. I am very independant. I do not mind doing things by myself. I really don't, but now...I would love for Tim to share in some things (this is what I received no reply to).
Also...Tim can more easily express in writing his feelings than in person. He has, but it is more difficult. If this is also true of you, let her know this. Then send texts asking her about her day or how you miss her (even if you kinda don't). We need to feel needed/wanted. Even if you have to set an alarm to say "hi," then do that.
Or leave notes if you're not a texter.
Women really aren't that difficult....we will tell you. Just come out and ask. Plus. If a woman feels you really do take her literally, she will usually do her best to try to tell you exactly how she feels.
Hope this helps.

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com ... ff-in.html

Have you seen this blog? Interesting. I feel Tim has "backed-off" but not exactly certain why...Makes me wanna give up sometimes...
Being an Aspie, if there were no interest at all, wouldn't he just say so?
It's just difficult to believe that after saying he has told me things he has never talked about with anyone, he would just start "fading away."

One question. Have you ever read Greg Behrendt's "He's Just Not That Into You?" Not the movie...that was just a little cutesy version, which used quotes & made a storyline.
The actual book...
How I am feeling doing most of the work here...

the site, when it talks about "Change Resistance"
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com ... ff-in.html

meeting someone and even changes overwhelmingly for the good, but wow, it's changing my whole life. Then you sometimes get flashes of panic that you may not be able to go back to the good aspects of who you were. I like myself, and I think I have some special attributes, and I'm not sure I want to change and lose them, and I definitely have things to contribute.

So, it takes a while, yes, you can change, and add new skills and esp. new connections with others, without losing what you like about yourself. Or, it's a good trade. Or rather a good chance to take. But it just takes a while to get to that place.

" . . . To them, they're just unable to cope with the TV being moved to the opposite side of the room. They don't know why they don't like it but they can think of lots of fancy excuses. The aspie may find it easier to go quiet and say nothing than to speak their mind. . . "
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com ... ff-in.html

So, you get stacked. For example, I might be willing to try out public display of affection. But it's going to take a while for me to feel my way to whether I like it or not. (me personally, I like kind of quiet, low-key affection, like in the movie theater, but not way public)

I have not read that book. In fact, I find the whole topic I find very sad. When I was 26, I think I was going through a very growthful period, I found a chess club which kind of became a hang out (only medium into the chess itself), kind of reconnected with a high school friend, and I was making major intellectual progress in philosophy and anticipated career success in the field.

I meet a woman four years older than me. She was just very good to talk with. She would really watch my face while talking. And she was accepting. I shared things with her and she shared things with me. And we liked talking pre- and during physical intimacy, and to me that's a great deal of the fun and the adventure and the sharing.

But alas, maybe she wasn't in as good a place in her life as I was in mine. And she just wasn't as much into me as I was into her.

But I still feel pretty good about the whole thing, because I was authentic.

When I was in my mid-thirties, I meet a great woman. but we didn't connect as much as I felt we 'should'. Kept waiting for things to improve. So, yeah, I was inauthentic. I hurt her. Looking back on it, wished I would have taken more chances early on. Wish it a lot.

The book...He's Just Not That Into You is kinda a guy's point of view savving women trouble.
but would this also pertain to someone with Aspergers?
Example:
He's just not that into you if he's not calling you (one of the chapters).
Well...aren't Aspie's notorious for "backing off" and not calling like they should? So...is it THAT or is it that He's just not that into you?

I came out and asked, Tim said this was not the reason, but...if he doesn't call & keep some form of communication going...anything...then I have a difficult time...then he does and opens his heart...it's so erratic.

As far as the "change" in the Life With Aspergers Blog...I think he meant, when in a relationship, things change. People change every day. Life changes us. I don;t think it was so much that the basic person you fall in love with changes. I think he meant something like...you meet someone, you decide this is your person...someone before you did live without, but now cannot imagine life without them. Ok...so you both decide this is gonna be monogamous...so...in order to keep this relationship, you have to communicate. So staying at home researching on the internet may be your thing, but maybe instead of doing that night after night, your significant other wishes to see you, so...resisting change...you love that person, but maybe only on your terms?
Or you move in together, maybe to YOUR house...of course your significant other has stuff, too...so he/she decides to make the place his/her own also...the Aspie stays quiet...eventually retreats....things start going badly...no communication...
See what I mean?

Here are SOME quotes fromn the book He's Just Not That Into you from a blog:
http://slpgirl-newbeginnings.blogspot.c ... -from.html

So...am I wasting my time? Two weeks ago I would've said no....today...I don't know....which makes it sad...

And then...communication...again...apologizing for not...it's so confusing...

No matter how depressed I am, I at least say...listen...I need some time, ok? It's not you...it's me...I'll talk to you whenever...
Is that difficult?
Please explain...
Thanx for all your help.

And should not be too much to ask. My guess is that on some evenings that he's trying to weave his way back to 'normal,' where he has good energy, where he feels like he kind of understands what's going on, or at least understands it well enough, and where he feels good within himself, especially that.

You can help, by letting him know in word and deed that even when he's not at his most expressive, not his best energy, maybe not even his most alert and observant, that you still like him just fine. He doesn't need to be the super version of himself, he can just be the regular version of himself. And I know, this communication process is probably easier said than done, and like every communication process is only going to be partial, but still, can bring good connection and acceptance.

Oh, Gosh, for me to kind of process things, I take long walks and a lot of them. Sometimes I'll take two walks in the evening, for a grand total of two hours or more. I think some of my neighbors might think I'm mentally ill.

I also like to write in semi-public places. A university, either a study area or the library, a book on biology or geology open in front of me, really so it just looks more normal, writing thoughts on a yellow legal pad. To some extent, the book provides good balance or playing off of. I put some of my thoughts and observations on paper and I feel better. When I lived in a small town, mornings I would sometimes take my backpack and sit on the steps of a church that kind of overlooked two of the bigger roads. I would take out books and writing pad and also previous writings to go over. It was a little embarrassing, I probably pushed it a little too far. I think the church maintenance guy kind of toleranted me. There was also a homeless guy who once dropped off donations in front of the church. He didn't like that one bit. So, yeah, I'm strongly enough motivated so I'm willing to take these social risks. Trying to process. And I'm learning it's feeling my way through, not just left brain. Still, I wish there was a better way without all these social risks.