New flatmate is too friendly

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This sounds weird, but I have a new flatmate and she's too friendly for me to cope with. She's quite tactile, giving hugs etc. which I can do but within limits - I get an instant hyperactive and anxious feeling after a hug, especially from someone fairly new, so this is difficult. She only moved in three days ago and she and her friends seem to have a big social gathering every single day (typical student stuff I guess) and she invites me to everything all the time. I ended up saying yes to dinner with her and her friends tonight but I feel absolutely terrified, I just felt so pressurised that I thought the only option I had was to agree to go... Think I'll opt out "sick". Hiding away in my room doesn't make a difference because she'll come knocking to find me, and the only way I could possibly avoid getting asked out to stuff is if I stayed away from the place altogether. I also have a desperate financial situation at the moment... as in, I'm running out of money!! I'm going to get emergency social welfare payments starting tomorrow, so that I can eat. And going to parties or having dinners together with other people means spending more money, as it's only fair to contribute to buying the food and drink etc.

The biggest problem is that she has very little English so even talking about the simplest things is really hard. Even when she's inviting me to things she can only say one or two of the English words and she fills in the rest with Spanish, which I don't speak, so she has to repeat things to me several times before I understand her, and I have to do the same before she'll understand me. So I don't know how to explain to her that I have autism which makes parties difficult and generally unhealthy for me, and that I have only enough money to spend on feeding myself and not on going to parties...

I also have always depended on home being my place for desensitizing and calming down and being myself. I need an awful lot of stimming every day and I need time out and privacy to do that. I also depend on home being the place where I get relief from acting sociable and where I can have quiet space to process thoughts. Now I feel like that's being taken away from me... And I also feel awful because my flatmate is just trying to be friendly and she probably also just wants someone to talk to in English... I'm perfectly ok with helping her out and I talk to her if we're in the living room together, but one-to-one is hard enough for me... I probably give off a false confidence too convincingly which probably makes her think I'm a people-person... Not that I dislike people, it's just hard work and feels too intense... I get the impression that if I try to explain it as shyness (though she might not even know that word...) she'd try to help me overcome it by being more persistent... So I don't know what to do, she's being nice and just very sociable but it's all going downhill for me and I don't know how to get out of the situation... How do you explain that you're unhappy because your flatmate is being too nice?? I guess in a way she's being pushy too, but still, only being like that to persist in being nice... AGH!

Never underestimate the diplomacy of declining an invitation with a smile. Privacy, cordiality, and money are some very universal languages. If it ever seems difficult to muster a smile, just remember that she's inviting you out for a reason (that being, you must come off as a pretty nice person!)

Is there a way you could say to her that you'd really love to go (a lie I know) but currently have very little cash?

Then she possibly wouldn't feel hurt about it as neither of you can be blamed about it.

Also, I would suggest that you don't try to explain Autism to her because if she has been misinformed the language difficulty would make it really hard to explain things to her properly and it can be hard even when two people speak the same language.

Dingletron is quite correct in his post too. You are probably come off as really nice person, you probably are too because if you weren't nice you wouldn't care about hurting her feelings.

@LostAlien Ya I guess it'd be too complex to talk about the details of my brain! Explaining my money situation would only work for some of the stuff, I mean she'd still try to get me to come to her friends' apartments and stuff like that cos some of them live in the same student apartment complex... and they're LOUD people... even though they all seem nice... just too intense!

I guess I should just give it time, it just feels uncomfortable now cos I feel like I can't really relax in my own home, if you know what I mean... If I'm in my room, she could come knocking any moment, and I have to come up with some excuse or something... I guess I could try saying I don't like parties and crowds, not sure how that'd go...

@Dingletron Ya I should probably not worry too much and let things settle, I guess it'd be strange if she didn't get it after a while and thanks for the compliment!

Good luck Niamh, I hope things settle down quickly for you.

Physical contact is something that is very common in latin cultures. For us a hug is a way of saying hello or expressing thanks or just a way to show happiness... holding hands, hand on shoulders, tap on leg/shoulder is also common body language that complements spoken language.



For us it is rude not to invite someone who you cohabit to practically everything. Its like you having someone over at your house the whole day and never offering them a glass of water or something to drink.



Sorry to hear that. You can and should tell her about your money issues and it being a main reason why you cannot accept so many invitations. Its a perfectly valid reason and she will understand. Be prepared though..she may offer to pay your tab a few times so you go out.



That is critical. You need to communicate a few of the above pointers and there is a language barrier. If you want you can write what you want to tell her and PM it to me and I'll translate it. Spanish is my native language.



Don't worry when she understands your AS issues this will go away.

For now your best bet is to find a way to communicate with her clearly.. either by writing that letter and I'll translate it or if you have a Spanish speaking friend to translate for you when you talk to her.

Is there a university library you can go to in the evenings?

That sounds exhausting even for someone with excellent social skills.

And I think I know what you mean about needing to stim to come down from high-energy social interaction and re-center. I generally like to hold or twist a soft T-shirt and imagine sports.

Okay, now, please do not spend money you can't afford. Come up with a simple phrase such as 'I have very little money,' and just repeat it as necessary. If she offers to pay for something that potentially sets up an awkward dilemma where she might expect, on some level, for you to reciprocate. 'No, I really cannot accept that. Thank you, but no thanks.' She says, 'No, it's my gift. I want you to have it.' And that point, after going back and forth a couple of times and reaching this point, this social dance as it were, at that point it's probably okay to go ahead and accept it.

Another possibility. Maybe she's more of a night person and you a morning person, and if you make a point to wake up early, you might have the flat for several hours by yourself in the morning?

I'd die for a roommate like that.

Strange situation. But there are some things you could try:

- explain that you have to study/learn things... something fairly common for a student
- explain that you are short on money and do not want to impose
- tell you are not feeling well and would like to catch some sleep... sometimes I do that and most people understand that you are tired or need some time alone
- study in a quiet place in the building... at least on my university there were good places for that. The library or a less used room were great for that. It is not a good place to stim, but could get you some rest and lessen your tension, lessening the need for stimming?