college/moving out -- panicking

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I am dreading returning to college for my 2nd year...even worse, I will be moving out of home into a small apartment with another person I don't know. I am absolutely terrified of being on campus and being without my family/familiarity. To be frank, I am very close to taking a year off or quitting to get some treatment. Clearly I don't have any coping skills to handle stress or tolerate discomforting change.

I haven't slept all week, I'm anxious so bad that my heart is beating out of my chest, I'm quivering all the time, crying, and extremely lethargic/gloomy. The mere thought of college makes me sick it's too overwhelming. I need help and don't know what to do. I don't think I can handle it and am afraid I will do things that are self-destructive in order to cope like I have in the past.

What is your advice? The reason I think this fear of mine is so huge is because I know how important it is for me to grow as a person and make friends/be brave. I know I can't keep isolating myself, not talking to anyone, and living at my parents' house with no desire for a social life/independence. The thing is that I depend on my family way too much and rely on them to help me make it through the day without spiraling into a panic/depression. I am so pathetic and embarrassed at how much of a f*#*#*g baby I am but it's all too much for me to take and happening too fast. Last year after class I'd drive home (50 minutes away) as fast as I could. I was not comfortable staying on campus and socializing/going to clubs/parties/participating. I made no friends and I know that's why I need to make a change i my behavior this year....but I don't know if I can make it. I honestly don't. I wish I could take smaller steps but this Thursday it begins and I'll be thrown into the flurry. I can barely handle going to an appointment let alone a whole college schedule with so many people so far away from home. I need stability and routine. Please help, I am catatonic and don't want to leave my room. I can't make my heart beat slow down.

I don't have AS, so I can't begin to understand fully what you are going through. But I've struggled a lot in life with agoraphobia and drug problems when I was younger, and I still struggle with anxiety although to a much lesser degree than a few years ago. Something I've learned is that the things which are hardest and scare us most are usually the most important steps we can take to improve our lives, and they always feel impossible. I've learned that it's okay to fail to succeed at our self improvement goals in the short term as long as we are making an honest effort and steady progress. It's so terrifying for you because you've never lived any differently. I can't tell you how you're going to get through this, but you need to know that it is possible, and the fear and anxiety will not kill you. It will just show you how strong you really are, how after all the hardship and anxiety and dread you can still come out of it alive. I know none of this is concrete advice, and I wish I had some to give, but everyone is so different that the way I might cope with a situation might not be the right way for you. But I think if you run from what scares you you will just find yourself having to deal with that fear next year, or the one after, or when you're 40, or you might just give up and never achieve your goals. I think you're probably stronger than you think you are.

What McAnulty is saying sounds like great advice to me. You definitly love to be with your family, and with good reason too, but it will probably be best in the long if you make this move. One suggestion that I have for starting off with is what I did when I first went away to university and was feeling homesick, I set a goal for how long I was going to stay at campus (a week was what I went with) and that if things didnt work out I would go back home. Especially where you live only about an hour away from campus travelling back and forth is easy if you need to do so, even if you need to go home on weekends for the first little while until you adjust. My suggestion is to try going to campus for a week and then re-evaluate where you stand. Best of luck with everything!

I have a family member who felt exactly as you do about his second year of college. He also suffers from disabling anxiety. He had a support team that tried to persuade him not to go but like you he felt he had to force himself to "grow as a person". One of his professors who has authored 4 books on Autism counseled on the need for spectrum students to go "LONGER AND LATER".

He went and it was an AWFUL. At the end of his 2nd year he wrote a letter with the help of a professor, his therapist and family to the college President explaining the difficulties he was having and asked that the college consider setting up an autism support group. He took medical leave his 3rd year because he was a physical, emotional and mental train wreck. During his year off the college started the autism support group and held several seminars to educate the staff and students about Autism. He returned to campus once a week during his year off to attend the group. When he returned as a full time student it was NOT easy but he did it and graduated.

My advise to him his 2nd year was please do not go back. His therapist wanted him to transfer to a local university.

Take one course. Read everything you can find about what other colleges are doing to help autistic students. Some schools are doing a lot! Ask your college to start programs that you think would benefit you. DISCLOSE to all your professors. Group work was always a problem for our family member so he would ask the instructor to help him navigate getting into a group and for support in working with his group. He needed extra time to complete exams. He met with his instructors after class and during office hours to make sure he understood what was said in class and exactly what was expected in doing assignments.

You need supports on campus. You need a counselor who understands autism. This will be easier then you think because many professors have kids on the spectrum and are eager to help you succeed because they want to foster avenues for their own kids two thrive. You are not alone, there are others at your school who are autistic.

I wish the best for you and hope you make the right decision for you.