High skill = arrogance

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Hi everyone -

I write to ask for some help and perspective. I know ahead of time that I might come off as a real jerk.

The thing is, I really really excel at piano and composition. My brain picks up the details well, and since I don't like socializing a lot, I spend most of my time doing this same activity. Now that I am an adult in college, I guess I take myself as a musician more seriously. It's kind of like my entire identity. I constantly hear such wonderful praises on my technicality and musicality, and I even made a teacher from Julliard cry through the power of music. Most of the time I am pretty spiritual about the music I do, and I keep to myself and am able to remain humble about it. I do it because I love it.

But lately I feel....arrogant, and I think it has something to do with my black and white thinking. I feel arrogant because I am good. These are objective facts -- I have worked hard, I am a natural, and I am good at what I do. Lately my arrogance has slipped: for example, my mom said that she loves how I control the phrase of every single note and give each detail a soul, and I just said, "Yeah, I know." Because the truth was that I did know. I do that on purpose. I'm listening when I play, and I'm highly involved in the sound I produce. She said to me that she likes how comfortable I am around her, but that I shouldn't reply like that with people outside the family. Of course, I know better than that, but I still felt really embarrassed and ashamed.

I know other Aspies tend to be good at nerdy skills (you know, music, computers, writing, art, etc.). So, how do you remain humble?

I always soften anything self-aggrandizing that I say about myself by pointing out a lack, usually using horribly nerdy RPG terms.

I.e.,

"yeah, I decided Charisma was a dump stat, and just poured all my skill points into Perform (Piano)."


But truthfully, the best response to give outsiders when you want to just say "yeah I know I'm good", is to say "thank you for noticing, I spent a LOT of time practicing.", with a tone of sincere appreciation and enthusiasm (you may need to practice this).

Telling them "thank you for noticing" rather than merely "thank you" signals that you know you're that good, while still signals appreciation for the compliment, and following it up with "I spent a LOT of time practicing" softens the sense of arrogance by acknowledging that you didn't just spring into the world with perfect skill, and incidentally implies a subtext that anyone could be that good if they spent a lot of time on it (whether or not this is true, implying the subtext is important in social situations).

Does all that make sense?

a polite reply to a compliment that will leave you in good stead is, "thank you."

if you think you are becoming arrogant, remind yourself of some areas you're not so good at. everyone has strengths and weaknesses. also remind yourself that we are all mortal and that the world will be just fine without us.

ar•ro•gant/'ær?g?nt/ Show Spelled [ar-uh-guhnt]

adjective
1. making claims or pretensions to superior importance or rights; overbearingly assuming; insolently proud: an arrogant public official.
2. characterized by or proceeding from arrogance, or a sense of superiority, self-importance, or entitlement: arrogant claims.


I get accused of being arrogant quite a lot. I think your mostly right that "high skill == arrogance". (== is equivalent to).

I have high skills in various areas. I'm a lot older than yourself, and for any given subject that takes my interest, I research it until I've exhausted the reading material available.

I have a brain that doesn't just accept a thing and be able to use it. For example, when I did engineering at collage, I couldn't just read and memorise a formula and use it. I had to understand the formula from start to finish, before I could use it to solve a problem. It makes learning slow and difficult. I struggled through collage because I couldn't just memorise formula. But now, 20 years after collage, I can still remember and use most of these formulas. Because I understood it. I have to do the same with everything I do in live, learn the why of it before I can understand the what.

I think people expect us to be as confused as they are. But for the subjects I understand, I'm not confused. This gets called arrogance by those who think they know something.

If others label you as "Arrogant" because you take pride in your abilities, then the problem is theirs, and not yours.

It is much more likely that they are jealous.

I agree that only correct way to respond a compliment is saying "thank you". When I received a compliment in the orchestra: "Oh, you played such a beautiful solo today", I tried to turn it down, and I obviously made the other person feel uncomfortable. I know that it's awkward, but just say "thank you" and forget about it.

@ Fnord they'll make it your's. =(

@ bextehude I just say back, "Thank you! You're very kind!" make it sound sincere. Smile, maybe touch them on the arm. Then get back to thinking about important stuff.
You have to realize that giving a compliment means they've had to think and that can take a lot for a normal NT.
I understand that them giving you a compliment is an interruption a bit like them dropping a crowbar across your piano strings (or what ever they're called) but you're going to have to stop what you're doing, gently pick it out of there and handle it carefully so it doesn't twang a string or break off a hammer (or what ever it's called).

When I'm complimented for the things I excel at, I'm so grateful that for me it's not a problem to graciously accept the words they're saying. There are so many other social situations that I suck at and that people insult me regarding that when a compliment comes along, I feel like I've been given a respite from all the other s*&@t that I get for most of my work day.

Many have tried, some have succeeded; but with more and more experience in dealing with their misguided hate, I have learned to not let it determine my self-worth.

The last person to even try lost his job because he refused to receive any more instruction from me, and proceeded to damage thousands of dollars worth of equipment. His own arrogance - not mine - was the cause of his undoing.

Because my friends comfort me and I help them in math. It's a great exchange since Im always anxious

Firstly, I would love to hear some of your compositions!

Secondly, you have to remember that no one is perfect, and you are no exception. Keep in mind that while you may indeed have a great deal of talent, there will always be someone out there who is better, and you need to be aware of your weaknesses. Recognizing that you have talent is a good thing if you do. It's when you start to feel that your talent somehow makes you better than others, or you start to simply take it for granted, that it becomes a problem.

It also depends on the local culture. In the US, people seem to be expected to 'blow their own trumpet' so to speak. Here in Australia, there's a 'tall poppy syndrome', where those higher than the others are cut down. People here are expected to speak self-deprecatingly, otherwise others will do it for us.

No, they are subjective opinions.



Try comparing yourself to someone better than you. I mean, there is someone better than you at piano and composition, right? So however good you are you can still improve. For me it's easy to remain humble, because I naturally tend to think in terms of what's wrong with something, rather than what's right with it. (Of course, that creates other problems.)

If you cannot change how you feel at least be less forthright about it. Nobody is going to know that you feel arrogant unless you act arrogant. It's fine to have a high opinion of your own skill, but even if that opinion is justified people generally dislike arrogance. I certainly do.

To me, arrogance is less about your opinion of yourself and more about dismissing others. If you said "yes, I am good at what I do" I wouldn't really have a problem with that, as long as you acknowledged that some others are also good at it and that, even though you're already good, you can still get even better by learning from others.

For example, Linus Torvalds (first developer of Linux) is incredibly skilled in programming, but he talks down to people and refuses to acknowledge that there are good programmers besides him. I don't care how good he is - I still don't respect him, because he's just such an arrogant prick!

Yes, I agree with this advice. Or, something like "Thank you, I do my best." That way, you make them feel good by expressing appreciation to them AND you are able to accept the compliment but still look good in their eyes by shifting the focus to your aspiration. Effort, goals, aspirations...all things that bring social approval.

To put it another way, let them feel good about themselves by thinking that you need them to build you up!

I'd start by saying it's good that you've noticed the issue. I've had problems caused by arrogance more than once, but if you catch yourself before a real issue comes up, your odds are much improved.
Personally, I go for self-deprecating humor. Eg, I can put my feet behind my head. I usually joke about the smell. You could probably make a joke about finger cramps. It doesn't have to be a real problem as long as it's lighthearted.