What is it with the eye contact thing?

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I think it's a safety thing with me. I recently got a part time job, and during my interview I couldn't help but look at the guys hands the whole time. It made me feel a bit more safe. I'm not entirely sure why.

Now when I work, I don't look into the customers' eyes, I just look at their merchandise. I'll talk them, be the usual chasier "Hi, how are you today? Your total is blah blah, thank you have a nice day." But the moment I look into their eyes my words are usually more like "HI. How'reou taday?" Then they'll ask me how I am, and I won't respond, I'll forget to tell them their total, and I'll say something stupid like, "Have a day!"

I mean, I can barely look at my own mother in the eyes much less a complete stranger.

Apart from other people's criticism of me not making eyes contact, I have always assumed it was natural to avoid it. It makes me uncomfortable, even with people I have been around for a long time.

It feels to 'coercive', rather like people presuming to touch you in order to get a point across. I find it intrusive and I never, ever do that myself. That sort of tapping and prodding seems intended to control you and elicit the response the other person expects and wants.

Then there is the fact that at job interviews, the interviewer is often boring into you with a 'psychic laser', metaphorically speaking. I think I am better at it than I used to be, as a curious kind of shyness which is the single manifest symptom of shyness. I am not generally regarded as a shy person.

Eye contact to me means over-intimacy and intrusion and can feel like a threat. This is why people talk about 'staring you down' and it seems to be assumed that if you avert your gaze, as I do, that you are some kind of 'p****', meaning that they are trying to de-masculinise or subordinate the person they use the name on.

Hey mate, I agree. But sometimes, if your eyes are being met, do you feel kinda respected? Any of you? I personally think that's why when you were in year 1 and 2 etc, you're always told to look at people when they are talking to you. It's a sign of social respect, and though we may be aspies, autists, ADDers, dyslexics, dyspraxics, etc, we shouldn't ignore this. Having somebody look away when you are talking to them is acctually rather hurtful. I believe we should try our best here, guys.

I was told repeatedly to use eye contact and look at the person I'm talking to by this Special Ed teacher, when I was in Elementary, but it was hard when the lady (snort) was being a real b****. This thread reminded me of these hard times that occured in my younger years.

Evil woman.........

_________________

I'm scared to look people in the eyes.Because one time I did and I fainted.Then soem other times when I did I felt the urge to hit them,and I don't liek being mean to people...well,most of the time...


SpaceCase

When I think about having to make eye contact, it's no problem, but I can forget to very easily.

Personally, I don't feel respected if people look me in the eye, I actually feel more threatened, or other emotions very different to respect. I actually like it better if people don't look me in the eye because then I can look at them and really concentrate on what they're saying, if I do look someone in the eye then it's really hard for me to interpret what they're telling me because I'm so worked up about the eye contact. Most people who I talk to have realised that they're not going to be able to make eye contact with me, although the other day I was talking with one of my teachers and she said "I'm over here" because I was gazing off to the side. I find it really easy to listen to people if I stare at a fixed point off to the side instead of at them.

I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one, and the link to the Scientific American article was great.

Wish I had that information yesterday when I had to sit in a room full of NT teachers, NT teaching assistants, with an NT instructor trying to teach how to teach social skills to students with Aspergers.

As a person with Aspergers I felt totally devalued by her 6 hour presentation.
I wanted to ask her if it had ever occured to her that at least one person in the room might have Aspergers, and that she might want to show us a little more respect. In hind sight, I should have, but I'm going to wait for the next opportunity to call her on her heavy NT bias.

Here is an example from the class "People with Aspergers have trouble keeping eye contact. So we need to force them to look at our eyes when they talk to us. We also need to make them look at pictures of people's eyes and guess how the other person is feeling."

Not once did the instructor even suggest that people with Aspergers might have a very good reason for not making eye contact.

For me, trying to talk to someone while looking them in the eyes increases my anxiety level, and I frequently lose my train of thought.

People have accused me of giving them an "evil look". I guess maybe that comes when I'm trying too hard to make eye contact?

My point exactly Vetivert.

I'm new to the school.
The class showed me how great a need there is for Aspies to find and use there voice in the field of education. I'm so glad that I found my calling.
I will have to lead by example.

I feel that people on the spectrum represent an emerging culture, a culture emerging from silent oppression. What we need is to recognize ourselves as a culture, and to be recognized as a culture. With that in mind, we need cross cultural training more then social skills training. NTs who wish to engage us in meaningful conversation could definately use some cultural sensitivity training too, but this can only happen as we continue to emerge, find our voices, and request validity for our norms of behaviour rather then just being forced to adopt theirs. Mimicking NT behavior for the sake of being respected is dehumanizing and disrespectful. As the study at the University of Wisconsin-Madison showed, we sometimes have very valid reasons for our actions.

I tend to overcompensate on the eye contact by staring at people too much. It's a difficult habit to break, but I find it very wearing to do the NT thing- look at the person you're talking to for a few seconds, glance away briefly, then look back. I have to concentrate so hard on the timing of this that my speech starts to get jerky because I involuntarily stop talking when I tell myself to glance away...Ugh! So much bother!

There are dozens of pretty terrible assumptions an NT subconsciously makes about a person who avoids eye contact, so I recognize that even if you don't work and develop your abilities in any other areas of social functioning, you should at least put your best foot forword when it comes to making eye contact. It should be understood that there is nothing alterior or sinister about someone making eye contact with you - it's something they do EVERY TIME, and is simply an unwritten social requirement for them. They're the ones who made that rule, but it is a big rule. Like another dude said, just look at the eyebrows, or better yet, the little spot in between the eyes, which is usually quite fascinating to behold, haha. Alot of aspies seem to think that constant eye contact is required, when in reality you only need an occasional glance, timed correctly, to make an NT feel adequately comfortable talking to you.

omg i love this thread
for me eye contact feels like they are burning into my head
it hurts so much like a red hot laser
i too will look for a few seconds and then look away and look back
so awkward tho
i too forget what im trying to say if i look too long! but can focus if im not looking
its easier to look when the convo subj is lighter
but when its serious stuff i can NEVER look
which is annoying cus i miss some of the connection with them trying to figure out their reaction to what i said

Kate

I only look at people I feel comfortable. For instance my mother family and gitlfriend. I avert my eyes away from people I don't like. I have fringe so I don't really have to worry.
I often wonder why people look at me.
I guess eyeliner is an aquired taste.

Maybe i dont have aspergers. Whatever the case I dont have a problem with eye contact