12-year old daughter refuses to be in band

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Here's what you do:

1. Don't force music on her because she will hate music, and will hate you for it.

2. People can pick up an instrument at any age, whenever they damn-well please. Being young isn't the only time someone can learn an instrument.

3. If she doesn't want to play her sax, pawn the damn thing, keep the money, and be done with it.

4. She seems like one of those kids who tries a whole bunch of activites and ends up quitting them all. If she wants to do an activity make her save up her allowance/birthday money for it, and pay for it herself.

5. Move to Canada, because the American and British school systems are crap, and always will be.

6. Don't drag your daughter into a war you cannot win. She'll lose her friends, the neighbours will hate you and her, you'll be ostracized in the neighbourhood, the school staff and principal will hate you, your house will be vandalized, and you'll be an outcast.

...sigh...All because you forced your daughter to play a silly musical instrument.

...is this what you want for you and your daughter?

I played the drums in elementary/junior high and the tuba in high school. Doing so has given me no benefit at all, and I do regret taking band as opposed to a more practical elective. I have yet to use anything I learned in band in my adult life. As I'm 25 now I doubt I'll ever use it for anything important.

I agree with everything you just stated!! !! !

At my private elementary school, everyone was forced to play an instrument and everyone was expected to be able to play in a band for school/church activities. It was an idiotic policy and in fact they had to send some people who simply were not talented enough with instruments to a "prep band" where we basically did nothing for one hour several days a week. For a whole year I was placed in a classroom all by myself (as, for a while, I was the only person in "prep band"). I usually drew on the chalkboard. I can't remember how they graded that class though, but I passed it, lol.

Needless to say, I don't think to highly of the OP's "cause."

Edit to add, my instrument (the trombone) is still rusting away in the basement somewhere.

I've finally calmed down.

A more practical elective would be fine, but the only other option is "study hall" (i.e., sitting quietly and doing your homework, if you have any, or else just sitting quietly for an hour, doing nothing).

Now, we've found out that she deliberately failed her placement tests, so that she would not be in the accelerated mathematics and language arts classes. She can already write better than I can, and better than most college-educated Americans can.

If she suddenly decided in high school that she wanted to pick up the saxophone (which I don't foresee happening, but it is possible), then it would be too late, because she would be two years behind everyone else.

Why would that make it too late? I know people who started playing in the band their senior year of high school, only first playing their instrument that summer.

I started my tuba lessons late june the summer before my 9th grade year, and was playing a key tuba role by August. The next year, I was the only tuba player, which meant I was solely responsible for the tuba part in any music we played.

From my own experience: I started taking music theory classes in college, without having previously studied the piano. I absolutely could not keep up, and had to drop out.

It is possible that band instruments are different--I have no experience there. If you are trying to learn the violin, then you have to go through a rather extended period of time producing squeeks and learning the basics before you begin to find enjoyment.

When my sister and I were growing up, my mom really wanted us to be in some sort of music program whether that be in choir, a school musical, in band, in orchestra, taking piano lessons, or anything else that related to music. My family is a very musically inclined group of people and as long as we were doing something musical, she didn't really care.

Like, I took up band in 5th grade, started taking piano lessons in 6th grade, and was in the school choir for two years. I'm not in band after graduating high school, but I continuously play the piano. I also played in the pit orchestra for two years in high school for the musicals.

My sister took up orchestra in 4th grade, took piano lessons for a little bit, and she sings in the college choir. She also writes her own music and everything. She also sang and acted in all four years of the high school musicals.

I wouldn't say that you should force her into anything, but my mom didn't really come off as forcing us, she just wanted us to have some music background growing up, so she wanted us to be involved in something while in school.

But you have already said she's played the saxophone for two years, so she won't be learning how to play it (my school stopped all lessons after two years, then you just had band.)

And it doesn't really matter whether she plays the sax for the next two years or not, if she is going to violin in high school. She will still have to learn the basics for the violin at the time she starts playing violin. And it doesn't really take that long when you're older. As I said, I was playing the tuba in high school band performances in august - that wasn't even with two months of weekly lessons and my only prior instrument experience was with the drums.

If she doesn't want to be in the band then don't force her to be. I was in the band and I believe that it was a horrible experience for me and it can be a bad experience for anyone.

Does she like playing music, her instrument, and is only against being in the band because of the social stigma, or does she not want to be in the band?

Perhaps she could do bass or guitar, musical instruments considered exceedingly cool, and as a leisure activity they make far more sense than a tuba (just as an example). There always seems to be a spot open for a guitarist in school bands if she wants to be in the band, and during solos the guitars and basses always got the biggest cheers at my school. If you want her involved in music those would be a way to keep her involved without actually forcing her to. If she doesn't want to, don't force her.

Trying to force anything on kid will, 95% of the time, have the opposite effect of what you attempting. Instead of the child learning to love it, it will only fuel hatred of it and the second they are out from under your thumb, they will never do it again. My parents tried to force swimming on me for 4 years during the summer I had to swim daily, one summer I had multiple weeks of swimming lessons, and even during one summer, I was barred from everything but swimming in order to "build yourself up" as my father put it. It never made me like swimming and as soon as they stopped forcing it on me, I never swam again, and never will.

My parents actually did threaten to send me to music lessons so I could be what they called "well rounded" and play an instrument like my sister did, but they never followed through thank goodness. They wanted me to be in the marching band with my sister and even tried to make me look up to her for that, but I never did.

The only good things about the high school I went to is they had no band and no swim team, pool, etc., so my parents couldn't force those things on me there.

I also think that letter isn't going to accomplish much. They seldom pay attention to such things. The principal in a public school also doesn't have alot of authority in how resources are assigned or used. You may want to have a list of greivances and bring it to the school board, without making personal attacks on neighbors, school personnel, etc., and see if that helps, or try to get your daughter into another school, as can be done in some areas, even with public school.

Another option that has been talked about here is cyberschool, where your child can take classes online. There was an article about it on Yahoo recently, including a case of one middle school girl who was doing horribly in school, in trouble, failing, etc., and how she transferred to cyberschool an ended up doing a whole lot better. I wish that was around when I was a kid.

pandabear, I totally understand what your trying to accomplish on this post, however as others said I wouldnt recommend sending the letter. But as someone who graduated from high school in 2000, (7 years ago) I can understand how frustrated you probably are when it comes to our school systems, and the reduction of art, music, computer material has cause our students and or parents to not believe in our educational system.

Looking back as someone whos an aspie I can tell you that your child if shes a aspie, most likely will find her school years either to easy and/or to boring. You pointed out that she listens to music on the computer? but doesnt like band. I would suggest that you try to get her into some computer classes in her school, and focus on independent stuff mainly. Reason i say this is that most aspies (not all) like me for instances hated public places, rallies, etc. and if she was in a band she probably would have a nervous breakdown(maybe a seizure) due to the fact that bands tend to play at rallies or in public places. I strongly suggest that you do not get her involved band or you may have even more trouble with her in the future.

The reason why I say this is that my child hood was pretty good (I thought) till in came to a big halt in high school and beyond) i had major migraines (anxiety attacks0 in high school and would have to miss several days of school. and due to many family deaths and isolation i'm pretty much locked in my bedroom on my computer now). I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but as someone who is an aspie and completed highschool 7 years ago) i strongly hope you try to get her into computer classes in school instead of band, as believe me for me it was mainly computer classes(which helped me calm down) and also is what i was interested in, usually when it comes down to computers, it is a good stress reliever and hobby for people who are aspies. If you want to write a letter to the school/principal, i would suggest that you write a letter that has information related how music,computers,art, etc can be a stress/anxiety reliever for students, and mention aspergers/ADD in your letter with some information about it and how more activity's related to music,art,computers, etc can help improve students moral and interest in school. especially talk to your childs school and teachers about your child and perhaps they will allow them to listen to a walkman/mp3 player/ipod while doing school work. Anyway i am fed up with how the educational system is too,, i think the best solution to this issue to get teachers/ and the school system to understand is that educational system is gonna be a major gateway (and is in fact) a major cause of stress and anxiety in students and if they can reduce in by reducing classes to 10 students per class, and having music, etc available and having a way to find people who are having problems at home is gonna be the only solution to our schools.
I also suggest that you do internet classes or private schooling, really liked what PrisonerSix mentioned too.