So as I mentioned on my eligible oddbods reply I'm going back to school through an Ontario government bursury program called second career. I have very mixed emotions about it because of some preoconceived notions I have regarding my academic history.
The first thing is I'm happy because just this morning I received acceptance from one of the campuses(ie I applied to five different campuses of four different schools ), however, I'm kind of fearful that I may have to go the route of going away for school and staying in on- or off-campus residence which I feel is slightly more realistic than the local campuses I've applied too because to get to either of the three campuses of the two local schools would end up costing me $100-$300/month(speculatively speaking) on top the $100/month my TTC Metropass already does and I'd have to take up to four or five different routes within up to three different municipal/regional transit lines or a cobination of up to two municipal/regional transit lines and GO(Government of Ontario) transit to get to, whereas I know(at least to Fleming, which is the school I've already received my acceptance package from) even if I came home every single weekend of the month It would end up only setting me back an additional $95-100 a month for the four round trip Greyhound tickets(with the student discount of course) on top of my Metropass. The issue here isn't the cost so much as that it would most likely be out of pocket because even though the bursary provides a personal expense allotment, transportation is not included.
Another apprehension I have is that I won't succeed. A big part of this is that I've already flunked out of two other diplomas but it goes further back. I have a suspision(and this is I realize a stertch and quite a long ways back to equate to my current uncertainty but), at the end of my eighth grade year I overheard my mother on the phone with whom I can only guess was either the principal or vice principal of my elementary school(BTW any M.A.P.S. Eagles (Class of '99) in the house?) and they were discussing I think my attending school in the summer session for math but it was across town and my mother had said she wasn't sure she'd be well enough to drive me each day(she had just begun LTD on account of her MS) so basically, based on what I overheard of my mother's end, I can only summise that I was pushed through because she wouldn't have been able to get me to/from school each day. I also have a strong suspicion that this occurred as well, with a fair number of my senior level courses in secondary school as it is frowned upon for a student to be failed. Another reason I don't see myself succeeding is that I can't wirte essays after like seven years of high school(pathetic huh?). To expand on this I don't mean that I actually can't, it's moreso that I'm not confident in my ability to construct a coherent paper. Another thing is my habits when it comes to study and homework, I'm often diligent for the first couple weeks then I taper off and don't do a thing and I don't know why, though my mother has speculated, that, in her opinion, the reason I haven't succeeded is because I'll get overwhelmed with the workload and shut down.
Another big detourrent to my potential success is my pride when it comes to asking for help. As far as asking for help in the form of a disability services accommodation for tests, I don't have an issue with asking for that, but when it comes to the small day to day things like asking the prof for calrification on or some sort of aid with an assignment question or lecture concept, I don't like to, because it makes me feel about two inches tall and like I'm intellectually inferior to my classmates be they NT, learning disabled or developmentally/physically disabled. It feels like if they don't need the clarification/help/extra help, then why should I, and I've always hated that feeling , going back to when I was misdiagnosed as having NLD, because I know it's strictly pride driven. I know a lot of you will think to yourselves and/or respond with a comment to the extent of "get over yourself," but look at it from my perspective, what if as far as you saw and/or knew none of your coursemates needed help from the professor? How would that make you feel about having to ask for it yourself?
The only other bursary related issue I have is that if I were to go to one of the two campuses where I'd be in "res," including the yearly res, tuition, book/material and miscellaeous fees I couldn't exceed $28,000 as that is the value of the bursary and it has to cover me for a two year term.
So comments, observations, feel free to make them but please leave deconstructive phrasings at the door. Thank you.
Meghan
21 Sep 2009, 2:27 pm
