school memories

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School has never been easy for me. The academic and social parts of it are very stressful.

I wasnt ready to socialize when my mom took me to a family centre. She didnt know I was autistic then. I was diagnosed shortly after.

I went to a special needs pre school. That was overwhelming to me. My mom said I hated it and that I didnt do what I was told. I would hide. I used to eat chalk as well.

I didnt start to speak til I was 5. I had a hard time learning how to read. Im now really good at reading. I was in diapers til I was 7. My mom told me that. It made me feel embarassed. I hate having bad old memories.

I dont remember much from grade 1 and 2. I do remember being told to keep my hands by my side though. I couldnt flap them or rub my hair when walking around or sitting in class. I did it though. But I would get scolded. I started to scratch myself in grade 2. I also started repeating phrases. My one teacher always yelled at me to be quiet.

In grade 3 everything got worse. I had a teacher who was new and didnt know alot about autism. I would have a meltdown every day. I would swear, yell, hit myself, and leave class. That would disrupt other peoples learning. I had a good special education teacher though. They helped me. They would let me sit in a rocking chair. Rocking is very soothing. I also used to whistle and make sounds my teacher didnt like.

I got an amazing teacher in grade 4. They liked me alot. They told me I was special in a good way. When my parents were at work they would let me hang out after school at school. My parents didnt like leaving me home alone with my siblings. In grade 5 I had another teacher who understood my needs. In grade 6 my teacher liked me but didnt quite understand me. In grade 7-9 I felt not so good. I started getting really overwhelmed and upset. People made fun of me. It made me feel horrible. They would make fun of how I spoke and how I acted. I started to feel ashamed of things I was proud of or that I liked doing.

The more recent years have been better. I feel more accepted. The memories are still with me though.

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I had a hard time at school, I didn't talk until I was 5. I couldn't read until around 10. Everything at school was too loud, too bright, and uncomfortable.

I was made not to flap, talk, make noise, or rock. They put a rubber band around my wrist and would snap it a bunch of times until I stopped whatever I was doing that was "bad" . Eventually I just sat still and tried not to get noticed.

I have a lot of bad memories of school. It makes me angry and sad to think about them.

Its better now though, but I am still in diapers.

I'm in therapy now...good therapy I mean. Where Flapping, Rocking and Stimming are OK. (even encouraged). Its part of learning how to self-regulate and self-soothe. Life is getting better now, but I was and still am angry, frustrated and sad sometimes, too.

I've got sensory issues, and Incontinence issues, and PTSD. Its been a slow start for me, but I'm making up for lost time.