Helping 11 yr old Aspie daughter to understand

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mY 11 yr old aspie has such difficulty when people are treated differently or get away with breaking the rules. She's very afraid of breaking rules for fear of being called out and put on the spot. Yet she resents fiercely other children who blatently break rules. Thank you in advance for your input.
Laure

I don't know what to say. She's right.

[mY 11 yr old aspie has such difficulty when people are treated differently or get away with breaking the rules. She's very afraid of breaking rules for fear of being called out and put on the spot. Yet she resents fiercely other children who blatently break rules.]

I am not a child psychologist, but since she has AS I may be able
to offer some ideas.

•She seems overly sensive to her envirement? If so, remember
she may outgrow this.

•What does she show interest in that might help you explain that
people don't follow the rules and perhaps make it a fun lesson?

•Guidelines to behaviors explained to her might not sink in, but
give them a try.

The difficult thing about her age is that she isn't a teenager and
thus hasn't gone through all emotional changes as well as physical
ones.

I have the same difficulties. I always want justice and get p'od when people break rules and get away with it, I get called on EVERYHTING

You could always try explaining to her the real rules of the situation. Like, say a kid cuts in line to stand beside a friend and nobody gets upset. The exception to the cutting-in-line rule are the people who know that "making a big deal over nothing" is a socially unacceptable response and use to their advantage the fact that no one wants to object for fear of being accused of taking things too seriously. There are systems to unspoken rules too, and they can be learned the same way as any other system. If she doesn't realize the extent to which that's true, she may find it more reassuring than overwhelming to be able to apply her intelligence to the problem.

Once upon a time, I went to Disneyland for my 9th birthday.

Now I think you probably have some idea of how excited children with AS can get over some things, and this was one of those types of things that I tended to get excited about like that.

Let me also say, I was not one of those children with AS who was opposition to authority and didn't mind. I was very shy and timid and always did my best to mind and never wanted to break the rules.

At the time they had this out door stage under a canopy and the area was not in use and roped off. As we were sitting at a picnic table eating lunch, my siblings and a few other kids decided to run up and play on the stage. Well I was hesitant about this because the area was roped off, but it looked fun and my parents said I could go up there so I did. After a few minutes, as the other children were leaving, and employee came up to us, approached me specifically, and quite meanly told me I wasn't allowed on the stage.

Well I was horribly upset about this because I didn't see why I should be the one to get in trouble when everyone else went up first and my parents told me it was ok to do so. But I just nodded and went back to the table, but by this point my parents were walking away and already on the other side of the stage/seating area, and my father noticed me and motioned for me to come across. I wanted to walk all the way around instead but he told me to hurry up, and I would have gotten lost in the crowd.

The lady said I wasn't allowed on the STAGE. So I went under the ropes and walk across the seating area and she appeared out of nowhere and was a real nasty b!tch about it yelled at me telling me "I thought I told you not you weren't allowed in here!" Which she didn't. She said I wasn't allowed on the stage and that's how I understood it.

She then told me if she had to talk to me again I'd be kicked out of the park. Well she ruined my birthday and when I got to my parents I broke into tears.

Where were the other kids who initially went up there on the stage? I don't know, having fun on the rides.

The whole thing upset me so much I must have been the only kid in the world who has ever developed a passionate hatred of Disneyland.

Looking back I'm quite certain the lady probably got fired eventually because I eventually learned that Disney has a very strict protocol which their "team members" must meet. They must be friendly and cheerful when interacting with guests...infact the past few times I've been there they have been so friendly it actually stood out to me as very odd indeed! They actually have supervisors in the crowds that keep an eye on making sure employees are friendly enough.

And this lady was not.

So I can understand your daughter's distress. It is probably her nature to be more honest and altruistic and she likely has very poor coping skills when she has to defend herself against authoritive figures. In fact she is probably completely incapable of doing this. So as a coping mechanism she avoids such situations by following all the rules but also realizes that most people don't follow all the rules and it upsets her she is forced to compete under such skewed circumstances.

I also wanted to say, people with AS also cannot always distinguish "soft" rules from "hard" rules.

So if you tell them, "you must never lie or break the law" and then they see you jaywalking and making up little "white lies" it's very confusing!! !

I don't blame your daughter one bit for being upset about this.

I've always had trouble with this and still am hesitant to break the rules even if everyone around me is doing so. What I hate is when I bend a rule and then someone just outright breaks it but acts as if I'm just as guilty of violating the rule.

I still don't get this sort of thing. I recently turned 19, so now I sign stuff when I go to the doctor. It says don't sign until you have read all the papers regarding legal issues and stuff, yet really they want you to sign and read those later...I find it so confusing. Sometimes they just send me back to see the doctor cause I take too long, or I have to ask specific questions about what exactly I'm agreeing to