Did I do something wrong, or did the special ed assistant?

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Apparently I offended one of the special education assistants. Well, I have a hard time carrying things so I am supposed to have three sets of books. One set are in the classrooms (as in a lit book in English class, a math book in math class, etc.), one set is at home and one set is supposed to be in the special ed room. I don't need any scholastic help beyond that of the average high schooler so I just go there instead of study hall. Well, apparently my math book isn't there. I told her that I was supposed to have my math book there. She said to use another student's, who actually happened to be a friend of mine. However, my friend wasn't there and I didn't have his permission. I didn't want to use it because it's not right using someone else's book without their permission, especially since I was going to be going to the math tutoring room since I had been sick and missed a lot of the subject. I know myself and I know that there was a risk I might accidentally leave it there. In addition, my friend has been depressed lately and I don't want to make it worse by using his stuff without permission. So I argued with the lady because the worst that could happen was a detention and that is nothing in comparison to hurting my friend. She said that she was giving me permission but I tried to explain that she wasn't Jeff and it was Jeff's book. So another person walked in and we continued to argue and they said some annoying things about my tone of voice even though my words were perfectly polite. They were actually being really condescending towards me but I ignored it and just kept asking for my own book because that is in my individual education plan and they legally have to give it to me. She then switched gears and claimed it wasn't his book. I asked her to prove that because it made no sense that his name would be written on a book that wasn't his. She got upset at me and then told me adults never lie to me. Well, that's obviously not the case so I know she can't be trusted. Eventually I kept repeating the claim and I got a book from the supplies place at the math office which they could have saved a lot of time if they had just told me about that. She later said that I was being extremely rude by refusing to use the book and asking for her to prove it. I think she was being rude by telling me to use other people's things without their permission and then being so condescending when they say that's wrong. Who is in the right?

Personally, I think you're in the right. Good on you for sticking to your principals and morals.

Tone of voice can be difficult for the speaker to judge and modulate, especially for teenagers. I remember being fussed at about my tone of voice when I was a young teenager and I never had any idea what the person was talking about. Once my daughter became a teen, I had to ask her to listen very carefully to her own tone before she realized how she sounded when she was upset. So, it's very likely that your tone was a bit sharper than you intended it to be.

That being said, however, the assistant was out of line to try and loan out someone else's materials. It's good that you insisted on having your own, because it's a very bad habit to get into; eventually something would be lost or misplaced and it wouldn't be the fault of the person to whom the materials were assigned.

You were absolutely correct.

Were these school-owned books, or student-owned books? Because you would be even more correct if they are student-owned.

But either way, she was wrong.

It sounds as if you right. Good that you stood your ground when it was against your principles to take the book.

You were in the right. Also, I'm very surprised at how the special ed people dealt with that situation. I read that thinking "These people don't know anything about aspergers, do they?". I mean, it's confusing when people expect you to ask someone's permission to use their stuff and at the same time want you to break that social rule. Aspies are often black and white with rules and obligations so it wasn't fair to put you through all of that. That's quite shocking, actually. They should have just listened to you and given you the book from the supplies room in the first place instead of pulling at your emotional strings by claiming that you were being rude and offensive.

Thanks guys. I thought this seemed very strange. This was a school owned book but still he has to use it for the rest of the year and if it is lost or damaged he gets blamed. The two people really surprised me with this. I mean, the teacher for the class, who was out and will be out for a couple of weeks, understands Asperger's and seems to understand me better. However, these aides were just acting in a very unusual way. The female aide has sometimes made some very erroneous deductions on my behavior before. For example, I was in the class thinking on how I was going to begin my essay. I had been staring at the computer screen for a few minutes trying to figure out what my thesis should be. For some reason she assumed that I couldn't type. To be fair, I do have a motor skills deficiency but I am perfectly capable of typing, which she should have figured out by my having a laptop computer with me and having it said specifically in my IEP that I can type out my tests instead of handwriting the answers. The usual teacher told her that if I need help I can ask for it. So, maybe she is just inexperienced, even though that would be odd since she looks about sixty.

In poker terms, you may have played the hand too fast.

Now, you did good. You stood up for your friend. And you got some good practice standing up to an adult. And good for you! All I’m saying is that you might be able to matter-of-factly add to your skills and take it to a higher level.


“This is Jeff’s book. This is my friend’s book. I can’t use Jeff’s book.”


[pause] give her a chance to react. Now, this lady seems completely unreasonable, but someone else may have come through. You want to give them that chance.


“I appreciate that. Still, I don’t want to use Jeff’s book.”


Notice that you don’t need to respond to the logical content of what she’s said, that’s often a trap, whether intentionally or not, it often ends up being a downward spiral. You more want to respond to the emotional content. And you can do this just by using a good general statement. You are giving the person a second chance to notice that this is important to you and for that person to graciously back off. Now, if a person continues to be unreasonable, you just hold your ground, simply sitting there if necessary, (or in a business context, matter-of-factly walking out of the room).


“I don’t want to use my friend’s book.”


You say that slowly. If anger comes through, that’s fine. Or, if you end up saying it in an even, matter-of-fact way, that’s fine also. You don’t need to say much. Notice that you are saying less each time.

You are basically refusing to engage with a person who is in an unreasonable frame of mind.

I personally am learning, even at my age in my forties, that a key social skill is skimming and being open to spend social energy in positive situation and dialoguing and ping-ponging it back and forth with a person who is in a positive frame of mind, and get into medium depth and detail then, and when someone likes you, you don’t need to be perfect, that’s the beauty of it! That is, in poker terms, you ‘raise the pot’ in a positive way (and everybody wins!).

(Even with a lot of math skills, and reading books on poker tells, and keeping a poker diary, I broke even. I lost money if I consider hotels and incidentals. And so, whereas I do recommend poker as one way to add to social skills, I do not recommend poker as a way to make money.)