Bullying: Ignore or Report?

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This is a new blog I posted on Wordpress.com. It is titled “Bullying: Ignore or Report?”

http://dwarren57.wordpress.com/2010/11/ ... or-report/

Has anybody experienced a bully who only gets warnings every time you complain about their behavior?

neither. you should stand up for yourself. if you ignore it, then it will keep happening. but if you report it, then you will look like a weakling, and you will get bullied a lot more, and it will be vicious. bullies HATE rats.

Agreement, pretty much. Ignoring it can be an option if it isn't physical and you can withstand the mental aspect of it until they get bored (which they will, unless they are harboring a personal grudge against you,) but reporting it can backfire spectacularly. Especially since the authorities are too lazy/too incompetent/too unable to do anything.

Nicely done website, do57.

Bullying is a perennial problem and Aspies are especially hit hard. When I was severely bullied, I did report - - the perpetrator(s) unabashedly lied and manipulated, where I was discredited. Bullies are "slippery." That's the nature of bullying; they gang together and cover up for each others, never admitting their teasing. Bullying can occur at 'higher education' and the workplace, which can become vicious in other ways than school-bullying. Another term for bullying is character assassination; it's psychological torture with long-lasting damage incurred.

Bullying should not be ignored. (Caveat: If it's fleeting &/or relatively petty/benign, then ignore, of course). But what the others wrote is so true.....if/when it is reported, the fault invariably lies upon the victim and the perpetrators are reinforced.

Anyway, below is a link to Olweus - may be of interest, do57:

http://www.olweus.org/public/faqs.page

Someday I hope Alex & Jack can produce a Wrong Planet video on AS & bullying.

It's feel and texture. It's a series of steps that you escalate one level below seriousness (and even that is by no means guaranteed to work)

Stare at the person two seconds and then let it go. You are thereby letting them know that you know.

'Is that a fact.' Kind of a hard statement like James Coburn might say in a movie. Like you don't particularly give a good goddamn one way or the other. (but this is not first level. this is like second or third level)

If you report them, you've got to really have the goods, like a witness, like a visible injury to your face. And if you report it, under-report it, as in 'Things got out of hand. They just need to cool it.' And thus you are the reasonable person. When talking to school authorities, it's very strategic, and less is more, keep it straightforward, and brief (they don't want something complicated) (and again, nothing always works, this part in particular has taken me a long time to wrap my mind)

And if an individual is about your same size, I will try to include a link to my post on "Tight Defensive Boxing to a Draw" If you 'win' a physical altercation, graciously accept it without bragging, but you would almost prefer a draw because you are not trying to humiliate anyone.
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt134616. ... 988846c6b1

Note 1: During boxing training, please do not take a bunch of blows to the head. Because, you know all that stuff about post-concussion syndrome, well, most of that is true. I recommend just telling the instructor at the beginning, I don't want to take a bunch of blows to the head.

Note 2: As hard as it can be to prevent a bullying situation, it can be even harder to extricate oneself from one. So members, let's keep rolling. Let's keep brainstorming, laying various ideas on the table, sharing experiences, etc.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 22 Nov 2010, 10:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was never taught how to deal with bullies, which is a good thing. Since I was a big moron in high school, I assumed the bullies wanted to be my friend, and they just didn't know how to be nice to me. (Maybe there is some truth to that, but it hardly matters to me) So I would keep saying hi to them, and eventually they would either A) feel guilty that they continued to be mean while I continued to be nice, or B) get really mad at me because I wasn't reacting the way they wanted, and eventually they gave up because I was too big of a loser for even them to handle. Sometimes, you come across someone who is so stupid they are brilliant. That was me. Of course, this only works if you are completely oblivious, and if you know you are being bullied, then this probably wouldn't work. I only recognize the bullying in retrospect.

Ignoring the bullying never worked in my case...it would only get worse. When I did report it to a teacher or other school authority, I was either told they would look into it and they never did or told it was my fault. I wish my parents would have put their feet down and sued the school for not taking action or at least taken me out to homeschool me sooner.

Yes! They'd get a warning, stop and a few weeks later start again. It was ridiculous!

My mom put her foot down when she finally had enough with a student who kept picking on me. My school was sick of complaints about the kid, so they finally decided to kick him out of school.

SHORT MEETINGS.

'Look, for whatever reason's it started, it's gotten out of hand. It needs to stop.'

And that's all the longer the meeting needs to be. If they pull you into a longer conversation about career goals or school progress, it kind of feels like an equalizing of the blame. The dynamic plays poorly. (as a good deflecting statement, 'we all want to do well in school. Let's save that for later.')

It is usually better to have someone negotiate on your behalf or with you. And thus presumably it would be better if a parent (or aunt, uncle, grandparent) talked to the school for you or with you. 'Mom, Dad, let's not make a big deal out of this.' That might be a good way to open the conversation with your parents, of course all depending on what kind of relationship you have with your parents.

Many good responses to the query of (1) ignore or (2) report.

Now I propose a third option: (3) beat-up the bully - knock-down drag-out bloody-nose-in-the-alley option.

Make nice with the bullies? Nah. Hence, Option 3.

I know, I know.....be peaceable and tolerate (the bully), but - no one should have to take bullying! If one does report and nothing changes, or becomes worse, then I'm banking on Option 3.

depends on the situation and what the bullies are doing.

Can you get away from them? If you can, then do so. Avoid them.

Are they interfering with your legal rights? If they are file harassment charges.

Is this at a school or work place? You can always consider going to the papers if the school is willing to do nothing about it. If its at work, QUIT YOUR JOB. Nothing is worth putting up with that garbage.

This is the most important thing to know for dealing with bullies. Learn how to control your emotions. If you're in highschool or older and your still having trouble managing your emotions. I'd honestly try to get a military trainer or some kind of physical motivator to toughen you up. IT WORKS. A lot of ex: drill sergants run programs to help raise self discipline in a military style. It usually meets once a weekend and it will help train you. Look up juvnille boot camps online. They will break you down, but they will build you back up to have a thick gut. You don't have to learn how to get physical (and for your own sake, you should not try to get into fights with these mobs), but it might help you manage your emotions if your that old and you still can't do so.

Oh and guys, it really isn't a good idea to be encouraging people to "stick up for themselves" against bullies. That's how school violence happens. You get kids who "stick up for themselves" by shooting their bullies in the head. That only ends up sending them to prison where there's even more bullies waiting for prey.

In case anyone is thinking of just "sticking up for yourself" Use the legal system to deal with truly dangerous bullies. They're the ones that should be in jail not you. DON'T EVER think of buying a weapon and bringing it to school to deal with bullies, EVER. They're not worth giving up your entire life.

In terms of defending yourself. Use basic self defense techniques as A LAST RESORT. Learn how to do this stuff from a martial arts trainer or a military trainer. But chances are YOU WILL get in trouble for fighting if its not ABSOLUTELY necessary for self defense. Try not to fight a bully if you don't have to. THEY WANT to beat you up. And unless you really know what you are doing, THEY PROBABLY CAN.

So don't just go in with this whole "stick up for yourself" mentality. The law is on your side. We have harassment laws to deal with bullies. Don't let your parents tell you not to press charges. You don't need a parent to do that. If a bully is threatening to beat you up. PRESS CHARGES.

And also, find out who else gets bullied and stick together. Having friends will make you feel more safe. Plus you have online friends here you can talk to about this kind of stuff.

I know its hard. I'm probably going to atleast leave my state because of the pain I have here from bullying. Its bad, I know. But don't be an idiot and get yourself into trouble. Use the law. That's what its there for.

That's wonderful advice coming from someone who obviously wasn't bullied.

The bully doesn't wait to hold his fist up and punch you?

Why should you do the same?

I think that its only fair that you should be able to stick up for yourself. This world isn't all sweet and scented roses.

Second, yes I have been bullied and the bullies were either given a warning or no one gave them a punishment at all. Their dumb excuse was they had to go with what the majority said. The majority were all kids who bullied me, all the kids who hurt me. They were friends and they protected each other. Authority had no help in my bullying. So I took in my own hands. And that meant self defense. I was not going to stand and be maimed by my peers.
That's the stupid thing to do.