My gap year is mostly over now and it's been an interesting one. I spent most of it observing myself, my learning, my stress sources, how my autism affects me etc. I went to hell and back with panic attacks, and I fell into depression and came back out of it. My sisters bullied me and, when I stood up to them, stopped talking to me, while my mother has accepted my diagnosis, which was the opposite of what I thought would happen. I am about to spend my first summer ever living financially independent apart from a little help from social welfare. Lots of good stuff has happened and I feel far better about my future because of it. I think one of the biggest things I've learned this year is to focus on making my life suit myself.
I have dropped the idea of following other people's footsteps and looking for a single career to do for the entire rest of my life. I realise now that that's a load of rubbish, at least for me. There's no way that a music student will find one job after graduation and keep it for life. I'm liking the idea of getting money from a number of different sources, all related to different skills I have. Down the road, I see myself being a variety of combinations of church organist (and maybe choirmaster too), piano/organ teacher, concert performer, accompanist, choral conductor, restaurant/hotel pianist... and barista, because it's a hobby of mine and luckily it's one that can make money. I can see myself having a few things going at once and dropping one for another as opportunities arise. I don't care any more what other people would typically do. I would be quite happy doing a lot of things I love doing, or at least most of which I love doing. And it gives me flexibility because if I find after a while that it's too much to manage, I can drop one thing and still have an income while looking for something less exhausting.
I have also begun to like the idea of having a personal assistant when I eventually have my multiple-job career going. I know it'll be difficult to manage it all plus day-to-day tasks, but this year I discovered just how hard the small day-to-day things are for me compared to the big commitments in my life so I hope one day to be able to afford someone who can help out with those little things. I am gradually feeling less and less shame for needing help with some things. It's ok to need help and the right thing to do is to go get it.
I wouldn't be where I am mentally without this gap year. The best part is that all I did was spend most of the year thinking. Sounds crazy but that's what happened! I ended up doing very little activity and, for once, paying attention to ME. I learned to take care of myself on so many levels. A lot of that is due to learning how to just be myself - or rather, unlearning how to avoid being myself. I'm still working on it, but the progress I've made is amazing. I learn the way I want to learn and boy are my abilities beginning to shine again! I still need to work very very hard on cutting out opinions/judgments etc. of others and any stigma attached to anything I choose to do, and just GO for it, like an innocent child.
To finish my ridiculously long post, here's a link to a wonderful page on a wonderful blog talking about how people with Asperger's/autism should be allowed to learn in our own way. http://www.nancymucklow.com/2011/03/asp ... epetition/
14 May 2011, 10:04 am
