How to deal with other/Individuals w/ ASD's in college
This is going to be a rant about a certain guy that my NT and AS friends have issues dealing with. Generally speaking, we try to be a very open minded group and have a mixture of friends consisting of everything from the stereotypical white kid, to Jews, gays/lesbians, questioning, a trans individual, alternative families, etc. The only similarities we tend to have are being socially awkward but friendly and at least 75-90% nerdy. Although the "group leader" thinks of us more as "artistic nerds" b/c besides math/comp "experts" we have a large pop. of art majors, library science people, psychology majors, poly sci, prof writing, etc. (A good mix of left vs. right brained individuals). Also, I am almost certain we have at least 5 females w/ ASD's and at least 3-4+ males w/ ASD's. I myself and one other girl on the spectrum in our group have overt sensory issues and general problems. Because of this many of our friends have seen and they've made it clear that b/c of how well I deal with my issues they can't stand this guy and how little he has improved over time (maybe 2 of us acknowledge the little bit he's improved).
The guy we have an issue with is an obvious aspie who is obsessed w/ a certain thing ONLY. He is generally well meaning and tries to contribute to the group/clubs we are involved in. His obvious well-meaningness is why we haven't overtly told him to leave us alone or gotten nasty towards him (many of my friends will get nasty if a person is obviously very annoying AND intolerant (especially racist or homophobic, etc. due to some of the people within the group and considering their comfort). He is a very narrow minded individual who chooses to pass judgement on certain types of people/behaviors. This person has generally improved over time but we've had to do some things that I consider to be fairly extreme to "loosen him up" and teach him appropriate behavior. I'm going to give my two main examples to try to make my point:
1. One day my friends and I were hanging in a dorm lounge and something came up (I can't remember what) but this guy started making specific comments about my figure. I had already specifically explained my sensory issues and NOT being interested in men/women sexually. A couple of my guy friends snapped at him and the only reason I know he decided to shut up is my one guy friend flat out threatened to physically beat him if he continued commenting on my body/ogling. (p.s. Unless it is a close friend who is CLEARLY joking b/c of something I said or merely assessing something such as if a specific article of clothing fits properly (like for a costume) I don't forgive/tolerate any kind of possible sexual attention.)
2. Another time my friends and I were eating lunch and discussing porn and other lovely sexual topics. He started freaking out saying that nudity is a sin... *facepalm*. He than proceeded to get pissed when my one friend pointed out that Adam and Eve were naked (we're talking to a conservative aspie Roman Catholic ). I than became so annoyed with his ranting and saying that masturbation is evil/a sin or something that I started a random public vote where I was practically screaming questions like "How many people here watch porn?" and "How many people masturbate/relieve themselves while watching porn?" He walked off in a huff b/c EVERYONE at the table raised their hands and was smiling .
Generally, the day-to-day issues include him constantly trying to sit w/ me and talk after my classes certain days of the week (which I've solved by hanging in other places and trying to only hang around him when other friends are around) and having to monitor what I talk about in front of him. Because my parents are lesbians I don't like homophobes. (Meaning if they'd ever visit campus I do not want this putz around). Literally, if this guy ever says the wrong thing (meaning something I take as a threat or hitting on me) I will either threaten to hit him, freak out or actually hurt him. Any advise on how I and my other friends who are NT's can deal with this guy without being cruel/nasty?
_________________
Balance is needed within the universe, can be demonstrated in most/all concepts/things. Black/White, Good/Evil, etc.
All dependent upon your own perspective in your own form of existence, so trust your own gut and live the way YOU want/need to.
Last edited by Peko on 24 Apr 2011, 8:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
If his views are so different than those of the rest of the group and he has such an issue with views that are counter to his own, I'm curious why he keeps associating with the group.
I've certainly been in groups with mixed company where everyone had managed to get along fine, but that was because everyone could accept that others felt differently about certain topics than they did.
Does he know your parents are lesbians? If not, you might bring it up. Does he sit next to you because he is still sexually interested in you or because he feels you are ok with him sitting next to you as a friend?
If it's the former, you should just flat out tell him you are not interested in dating him and if he keeps trying to push the matter on you then you don't want anything to do with him.
If it's the latter, you might just tell him on occasion that you appreciate his company but would like some time to yourself at the moment.
I've certainly been in groups with mixed company where everyone had managed to get along fine, but that was because everyone could accept that others felt differently about certain topics than they did.
Does he know your parents are lesbians? If not, you might bring it up. Does he sit next to you because he is still sexually interested in you or because he feels you are ok with him sitting next to you as a friend?
If it's the former, you should just flat out tell him you are not interested in dating him and if he keeps trying to push the matter on you then you don't want anything to do with him.
If it's the latter, you might just tell him on occasion that you appreciate his company but would like some time to yourself at the moment.
I think its the latter b/c he'd have to be pretty thick to not understand a guy threatening to beat him for so much as commenting on my figure. He definitely knows to keep his physical distance (their is usually space between the chairs we're in, etc.) I may have mentioned that I have 2 moms around him, but I'm not sure if it really clicked.
_________________
Balance is needed within the universe, can be demonstrated in most/all concepts/things. Black/White, Good/Evil, etc.
All dependent upon your own perspective in your own form of existence, so trust your own gut and live the way YOU want/need to.
Since he is narrow minded, he understands absolutes.
You give him two options and two options only.
1) When he does not have something nice to say, don't say it at all. Make an effort to not make people feel uncomfortable.
or
2) Ignore him and/or refuse to associate him.
People like him, aspergers or not, are emotionally draining. You and no one else in your group should feel the need to put up with him if you do not want to. I would ditch him. It is not worth it. If he really wants to grow, he needs to grow. If not, he can find friends who are just like him.
As of right now we tend to converse with him when he contributes to conversation outside of his obsession. The only time I or others willingly entertain his obsession is when it relates to something academic. Otherwise we shut him out and/or give short/blunt responses until he accepts that we're not going to hang out where he wants to (he wants to hang with us in specific places) and leaves.
_________________
Balance is needed within the universe, can be demonstrated in most/all concepts/things. Black/White, Good/Evil, etc.
All dependent upon your own perspective in your own form of existence, so trust your own gut and live the way YOU want/need to.
Talk to him about what he's doing wrong in a nice way. If he is an aspie, he likely has difficulty reading your body language to know that everyone finds his behavior annoying. Just let him know what you think and ask that he stop doing the things that you find annoying.
If he continues, then don't include him in your group anymore. Let him go find other people who are highly conservative, racist or sexist and hang out with them.
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