Fitting In and Being Normal

Post Reply New Topic

I'm a little discouraged by my treatment right now. I think the problem is over-labeling situations and not being listened to for what I am, and what I know is my life. It's manic depression, I don't think it's paranoia but I've been ruminating somewhat about the odds that it was a misdiagnosis. I had my therapist give me an actual test, I got Aspergers again. I've done it twice on my own time and got Aspergers. The questions are very basic though. Not all people with Aspergers have it so severe they can't socialize. So I might as well assume either I have bipolar and aspergers or some kind of spectrum, but I notice that medications which alter my thinking are good at controlling the mania, yet again if I hadn't been taking this for five years I might be better equipped to handle reality without constantly tweaking my brain chemistry...if it really is a necessity I have no problem with it, it might just be my obsessive habits that is causing me to ruminate over being socially maladjusted and doomed to fail with such a dangerous label that I can't actually get them to erase, because labels are permanently in your history is what I've been told. But this kind of over analyzing is actually making me feel like I'm quietly losing my mind.

And knowing my traumatic experience, knowing they know I was raped and abused before I was diagnosed--it just bothers me that no one rationalizes anything to me...which would be what I needed if I was truly deluded. I feel like I'm saner than the doctors, and that I make more sense because at least I'm trying to find answers and answering questions, and trying so hard to be healthy and in control of my destiny. I really am trying to let go of the past, and it's not like I want people to say I'm ok, it's a little too late for that, I'm "sick" enough to stop feeling ok about myself, my self esteem sucks, it's all this catch22 that I can't prove that I am actually fine...so what next? Is there a bullet aiming at my chest now? A knife in the back? A waste of time...It's also funny because I take Abilify which is the ONLY medication that worked--and it's mainly used for Autism and people with schizophrenia often can't take or handle it, but the problem is, what's Bipolar? I mean, I've never been seriously depressed or seriously happy, and now I'm just angry because it's not true! My thought disorder is not related to my emotions, it's related to the confusion my life experiences created, bullied all through out school, treated like an outcast for odd reasons/never doing anything wrong ever. Not even during treatment, other than saying I wasn't sick and trying to stop them from over-medicating me for no reason.

So I'm in college now, I caved and got accommodations for "schizoaffective" disorder, and I really don't understand what this means, other than...anything's possible right? But I feel badgered. I finally have a job. I have no car, no license, no money, no food right now, and am completely dependent on a system that is meant to preserve my sanity...or insanity, you pick. It really makes no difference I guess. It doesn't really seem like she cares, I had a conversation--they base it off the hospitalizations where I was raped. and they don't care if a camping trip caused exhaustion/anemia or whatever and possibly led to my breakdown. But it hurts so bad, because I know this is when it started--I was so exhausted I became delirious, students would vouch for me on this, but my parents jumped on the baker act bandwagon. f**k them! I'm trying to overcompensate by forgiving and forgiving and it ends up more like subservient BS. Why don't I get words mixed up, why don't I hallucinate scary things or voices telling me to do things, why don't I see things, why do I have to pretend I'm schizophrenic to fit into society. I'm sorry, but this BS...this f*****g BS.

Anyways, normal....I'm adapting to being normal. I go to a "normal school" called Shepherd University. It was an outdated term I guess, and of all the pot smoking liberals hipsters etc. whose the least paranoid? I'm really not paranoid, stop trying to tell me I'm this f****d up or it will be a self fulfilling prophecy, which is what it's becoming! Loopy loopy and then, most likely they'll notice I'm intelligent, maybe even too intelligent, and then...try to assassinate me for being imperfectly insane. I don't really think there's a they, I just like to say they because it's a nice fancy generalization for all the people who work against freedom, and they all seem to be misled by whatever it is they want to worship at any given time. You see, I never was a violent person, but I was raped! I was put on risperdal which made me suicidal too. But now I'm treating Autism, and calling it Schizophrenia--and it's worsening my problems....my anxiety basically. That's all, and the medication I have been taking every night to help me sleep apparently it's a stimulating medication, so why does it put me to sleep? So effing confused.

I don't know what to do, either then exist by their own means to an end. Or move to Portugal...?

You need to write your details down and bring it in to the psych docs next time, and also show a copy to your parents. Apparently you have not been doing a good job getting your points across verbally, but many people are more visual, so if they read it, they may understand better.

Also, what you describe is not schizophrenia or schizoid disorder. The delirium was due to a temporary illness, not to mental illness, so it doesn't qualify as anything schizoid. You also don't describe any bipolar behavior. In bipolar, people swing between big highs and big lows. What you describe fits seriously depressed. Bipolar is only one kind of depressive condition, you have one of the others, but not that one, and you have not described anything that indicates any schizoid conditions.

As for fitting in and being normal. It is possible to be mentally healthy, but not be "normal." Many people on the Autism/Asperger's spectrum fit this situation. Except for a constant low grade, but managable depression, with occasional deeper bouts, I am not mentally ill. I just happen to have Asperger's Syndrome. I may also have AvPD, and Executive Function Disorder, but these are all neurological disorders that don't have to have mental illness as a comorbid condition. Only my depression falls under the mental illness label, and I am using my coping methods on that. I do have a little OCD, but it isn't too extreme, and I think it is comorbid with my Asperger's.

I think you need to stop fretting about the conditions you don't have--bipolar, and schizoid conditions--and deal with what you do have. Your OCD doesn't sound too serious, but your depression does seem to be giving you a lot of problems, so concentrate on getting some help with that. The rape and abuse are definitely a big part of that problem. Also, you are very stressed out. Don't worry about your Asperger's. Having that is not the end of the world. I have a far from perfect life, but I can and have been living with this disorder for over 50 years. There is much more help available now than when I was growing up. You just have to realize that there are going to be some limitations, but there is life with spectrum disorders.

I do think you need to talk to your psych docs about your meds, though. You do seem to be having a kind of meltdown, which may actually be caused by one or more of your meds. Sometimes meds can do this. I was taking an opioid pain med for a Shingles outbreak several years ago and noticed it was affecting my moods. It was making me get upset much more easily, and making me feel more depressed than my normal level. I could tell that it was not a "normal", natural depression. As soon as I could stand the pain on my own, I took myself off the opioid. I actually felt the discomfort of withdrawal symptoms for several days, even though I had been on a low dose, and only for a couple of weeks:!: It was worth going through that, though, so I could be done with that med and it's bad side effects.

One more thing--moving, whether across town, across the country, or to Portugal, won't solve your problems. So just get a grip on yourself and stop over dramatising your condition. It will be easier to deal with if you calm down.

Now go and get the help you need, so you can get more out of life. And remember, you have friends here at WP.

I'm deff. not nor never have been bipolar. I never have highs or lows! They told me it was just because it was a better prognosis. They don't care about the here and now. I asked to change my diagnosis and my psychiatrist said it would never change. She doesn't care. No one cares. They want to pretend that it's fine if they pass judgement on my situation without understanding anything about me. I know I stopped caring. I lost the battle. My psychiatrist simply doesn't listen and said I was "manic" because I told her I had the wrong diagnosis.