University pushing people away
27 Sep 2012, 3:58 pm
ok, this is my first post and sorry if it ends up being long
i moved to uni 3 weeks ago and am already struggling greatly, i have 4 flatmates 3 girls one guy and already i believe they are sick of ( not that i can blame them).
when we first met and had a little discussion i said about aspergers, didnt go into any detail as wed just met and im sure they didnt want to listen to my life story so i just said that when i dont look them in the face, when im quiet or if i ever have to leave a social situation quickly that i have a genuine reason for it and am not just being rude.
at first they were friendly, talked to me when we were in the living-room area, occasionally ask about aspects of aspergers and even invite me on nights out,i like these people and would like to be friends it would make life here much easier if my flat was a sort of haven from stress atleast so i try my best to go out with them- i avoid definitive answers so when they asked i would say something like " i want to, il see how i feel and talk to you later" so far ive made it out 3 times and the rest of the times i have been so bad and physically sick that i have been unable to make it. in that situation they were better than i could ask for they would knock on my door to see if i was ok and if i was sure i couldnt go out that night
those nights were from my point of view disasters, we went to clubs, got our drinks and then made our little group circle on the floor, and they started dancing and having a great time, whilst im just standing there gripping my drink like my life depends on it, bright red face, staring at the ground paralyzed with fear and nerves, so anytime one of them glanced at me i was just bringing the mood down ( admittedly clubs wouldn't be my ideal scene id rather be listening to hendrix, dylan, ccr, the clash led zeppelin etc) but right now the location doesnt matter because i can say from personal experience it doesnt matter if im in a club with terrible noise or in a pub watching a live band im equally uncomfortable.
the guy he has some kind of illness and only has classes 3 days a week so he is only here for maybe 6 hours a week then hes away home so its just me and the girls, and as nice as they are and im sure if i knew how to relax a night out with them would be amazing but when they all start getting ready in each others rooms theres not a lot i can do to relieve stress or engage them and get my mind off myself because theres not a lot i can add to conversations about makeup, shoes,djs and boys so im just sitting in my room by myself for 3 hours with nothing to do but wait and think about the night and how i can and inevitably will f**k it up
so they basically ignore me, after first meeting each one had quite a long conversation with me which i thought went well, but now two of them wont even say hello when we bump into each other and the third who was by far the most friendly and understanding will occasionally say "alright" and maybe once a week say to me that they are heading out and i should feel free to come along, but i think thats her good deed for the day- sitting in room with friends discussing a night out and i walk in to get a drink so she decides to invite the ret*d because i obviously heard them planning.
dont get me wrong i cant blame them, i would walk away from myself too if i could, i just needed to let that out ( moved to england for uni from ireland so its not like i can go home very often) so for the past three weeks i have been kicking myself for all the stupid things ive done, and i cant mention just how bad im feeling to the flatmates because they are all young 18-20 and young people dont go to university so they can spend their time listening to some pathetic idiots sob story they want to have fun which they cant do with me. anyway how can i make it right? as i said ideally i would like to go out but my physical symptoms become too bad 99% of the time ( sorry for long post and im sure i waffled a bit but i did need to get my thoughts out there
27 Sep 2012, 4:18 pm
i was drinking, turns out i have a very high tolerance for alcohol, even when im actually completely drunk all my insecurities and various problems are at the front of my mind, honestly you wouldnt even notice that i was drunk im still the exact same uncomfortable uptight guy standing there looking like a frightened child whose lost his mother in a shop
27 Sep 2012, 5:41 pm
i moved to uni 3 weeks ago and am already struggling greatly, i have 4 flatmates 3 girls one guy and already i believe they are sick of ( not that i can blame them).
when we first met and had a little discussion i said about aspergers, didnt go into any detail as wed just met and im sure they didnt want to listen to my life story so i just said that when i dont look them in the face, when im quiet or if i ever have to leave a social situation quickly that i have a genuine reason for it and am not just being rude.
at first they were friendly, talked to me when we were in the living-room area, occasionally ask about aspects of aspergers and even invite me on nights out,i like these people and would like to be friends it would make life here much easier if my flat was a sort of haven from stress atleast so i try my best to go out with them- i avoid definitive answers so when they asked i would say something like " i want to, il see how i feel and talk to you later" so far ive made it out 3 times and the rest of the times i have been so bad and physically sick that i have been unable to make it. in that situation they were better than i could ask for they would knock on my door to see if i was ok and if i was sure i couldnt go out that night
those nights were from my point of view disasters, we went to clubs, got our drinks and then made our little group circle on the floor, and they started dancing and having a great time, whilst im just standing there gripping my drink like my life depends on it, bright red face, staring at the ground paralyzed with fear and nerves, so anytime one of them glanced at me i was just bringing the mood down ( admittedly clubs wouldn't be my ideal scene id rather be listening to hendrix, dylan, ccr, the clash led zeppelin etc) but right now the location doesnt matter because i can say from personal experience it doesnt matter if im in a club with terrible noise or in a pub watching a live band im equally uncomfortable.
the guy he has some kind of illness and only has classes 3 days a week so he is only here for maybe 6 hours a week then hes away home so its just me and the girls, and as nice as they are and im sure if i knew how to relax a night out with them would be amazing but when they all start getting ready in each others rooms theres not a lot i can do to relieve stress or engage them and get my mind off myself because theres not a lot i can add to conversations about makeup, shoes,djs and boys so im just sitting in my room by myself for 3 hours with nothing to do but wait and think about the night and how i can and inevitably will f**k it up
so they basically ignore me, after first meeting each one had quite a long conversation with me which i thought went well, but now two of them wont even say hello when we bump into each other and the third who was by far the most friendly and understanding will occasionally say "alright" and maybe once a week say to me that they are heading out and i should feel free to come along, but i think thats her good deed for the day- sitting in room with friends discussing a night out and i walk in to get a drink so she decides to invite the ret*d because i obviously heard them planning.
dont get me wrong i cant blame them, i would walk away from myself too if i could, i just needed to let that out ( moved to england for uni from ireland so its not like i can go home very often) so for the past three weeks i have been kicking myself for all the stupid things ive done, and i cant mention just how bad im feeling to the flatmates because they are all young 18-20 and young people dont go to university so they can spend their time listening to some pathetic idiots sob story they want to have fun which they cant do with me. anyway how can i make it right? as i said ideally i would like to go out but my physical symptoms become too bad 99% of the time ( sorry for long post and im sure i waffled a bit but i did need to get my thoughts out there
I have been in more or less the same situation but I think I was just lucky that for all my faults the people I ended up with as flatmates were easy to get on with. At times I did feel separate from the other flatmates as if there was me and them but I learned that it didn't matter too much. Mainly because you can't get on with everyone in life and it's always great to live with people you have something in common with and who will be life long friends, but it does not always work like that. You have to put in the effort and meet as many people as you can in the first few weeks/months as there won't be a better time. Mainly because thats when people start to form frendship groups.
The scenario you have described when you moved in to now sounds very familiar and I think it has to do with everyone being in the same situation mostly away from home for the first time and meeting lots of new people. At first your flatmates are the only people you have met but with time they find people you have more in common with and they tend to take the place of others such as yourself. It's probably got a lot to do with the signals you are giving off. You said that most of the time you are quite non committal and "don't give difinitive answers". This can be seen as your not interested in taking part in activities with the group. After all most 'normal' people would jump at the chance to go on a night out with friends.
I think ultimately there is nothing wrong with getting on with your flatmates and seeking to be friends with them in the flat. But if their activities (like a lot of other students) revolve around drinking and nights out then it's probably not the friendship group you want or need to be part of. Have you looked into any clubs or societies at your uni that may be a bit more sedate and do not involve clubs or pubs? Although in a minority, i'm sure you're not alone in not liking the typical student activities.
Sorry for my waffle and hopefully some of is helpful. It was hard to reply to such a long post with a one sentence answer as there was obviously a lot of issues to address.
29 Sep 2012, 9:07 am
thanks for that.
just a quick update things have actually gotten worse which i didnt think possible- went out with them last night and it was horrific, since i know from the past few weeks how awkward i am i drank a bottle of southern comfort before heading out ( i know not exactly a healthy solution, but i wanted to atleast attempt to bond with them before they completely write me off), did absolutely nothing all night in various clubs and bars they were dancing and laughing away and as always i cant dance and cant think of anything at all to say so i may aswell not be there i am purely an obstacle in their way of a fun night.
also turns out they have all made plans together to go out today as a kind of "flatmate bonding trip" and they are so opposed to me going that they tried to hide it by organising it through texts, so when ive been sitting with them in the kitchen and theyve been on their phones they have been planning to get away from me- i only found out about it because im a light sleeper and they are noisy drunks and heard them discussing what time they will leave at.
Plus today they were watching the x factor usa and i asked to join them, some kid came on who is everything thats wrong with music today he was a justin beiber clone a talentless,peppy,spoilt,arrogant,cocky little as*hole, i said " i think that kids a bit of a dick", which i didnt know if they would agree or not as i havent heard them listening to much pop but even if they disagreed i thought they would just say something like " i disagree" or " no hes not" but they got ridiculously mad and started a proper argument with me. I didnt see any merit in arguing over something we clearly cant agree on so i just said " in my opinion id say he is"
so now, i know for a fact they are fed up with going out with me, ignore me whenever possible and disagree fervently with my view on music. honestly im already considering dropping out, not knowing people in classes means its a bad experience and causes vomiting episodes but i can deal with that because once im in class im there to learn not to make friends i can handle that, but to have to spend all day being nervous and ill and then come back to a flat with a group of people that went from talkative and friendly to actively despising me and making secret plans to escape me because im that s**t i cant deal with that for a year.
a disability worker mentioned the possibility of moving me to a suite but i didnt want to do that as that would be running from the problem sooner or later im gonna have to learn to cope with people, but since its gotten worse i looked into it and i cant afford it anyway
yet again sorry for the long post( its been a s**t few weeks, i cant see it getting any better, and for the time being atleast this is my only outlet)
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