Social life in graduate school

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I am facing a dilemma--I was unable to succeed in two graduate programs because of social ineptitude in dealing with professors in a research setting. I have gotten a counselor who has helped me improve my social skills in the professional world, and now I would very probably succeed in that regard if I got into a new program.

People have been encouraging me to apply, but I am very reluctant because of the other reason I wasn't happy in graduate school--I felt socially isolated. I'm not into socializing a lot, but it got to the point where I couldn't find people I related to even when I was looking to hang out, find dates, etc.

The main issue is, I feel like I'd be happiest socializing in the manner that most kids/teens do, which I didn't really do much of when I was a kid and a teen. However, most people my age gravitate toward a more "grown up" way of socializing, and this includes most grad students, even in their free time outside the professional (lab) environment.

However, when in my last grad program and after, I have made some friends and have found a social group for young adults on the spectrum that I'd like to join. I'm also living in the area around where I grew up. But I'm concerned that if I went to a new school for a new program, I couldn't find what I'm looking for, i.e. some sort of community for young people on the spectrum who are transitioning into adulthood socially speaking.

Has anyone managed to, while in graduate school, find a group of friends outside of school who are similarly "not grown up" in terms of how they like to socialize? If so, how did you do it?? Or even just on moving to a new area for any reason, have you found something like this?

I do not want to socialize in grad school.
I tried with my last grad program, but quickly found that too much familiarity with the majority of my fellow students bred contempt - on both our parts. So many students, especially at that level, are competitive, and I just don't understand that mindset. Very few of my fellow grad students were genuine human beings, as opposed to walking-agendas-looking-out-for-their-own-best-interests.

Besides, I'm more than happy talking about school, but I have no desire to make chitchat and pleasantries with people I don't know.

Go to school - concentrate on your work and your relationships with your professors.
If you find a fellow student interesting and want to talk to her/him, go for it!

My "community" and my school life are very separate entities - I do not rely on school to fulfill my relationship needs.

So how DID you build a "community"?

I agree that graduate school is not so much a great place to build that, as people are very busy and their social lives outside that "bubble" are not likely on a par with aspies, particularly those who are less "adultish" in frame of mind. But that leaves the question, when you're in graduate school, how do you build a community of friends outside? For me, developing friendships and making my first forays into romantic relationships are an urgent need, that I very definitely do NOT want to put off until after graduate school! Then I will be only that much older and even more out of sync with my peers.

Do you think I would be better just working for a year or two and THEN applying to graduate school? As I said, I've already floundered TWICE in graduate programs at least in part because of this problem (my other problem being antagonism with professors due to my social weaknesses/immaturity). I hoped that having undergraduates walking around by my would give me a chance for social "catch-up", but that never materialized. What I really need is an almost high-school-like environment, and since I will obviously never be back in high school, I need to somehow build that for myself.

I shuddered at the "high school" social environment when I was in high school, and I do so now.

Here's what "high school social environment" conjures up in my mind: tight, exclusive cliques, emphasis on sheer number of friends, trendy clothes, expensive rock concerts (more for the sake of brownie points than actually wanting to attend the concert), petty thefts, vandalism, drugs (I mean hard drugs like cocaine that nobody should ever do, not marijuana).

Maybe what you're thinking of is more like my idea of "college undergrad" environment? You've got people who are serious enough about their studies not to do stupid crap, but still don't like to work every waking hour!

Yes, that's exactly what I'm looking for. Many people in grad school do seem to "work every waking hour", and when they don't, they seem more like adult professionals than college undergraduates in terms of activity preferences.

My high school was like what you're describing--it was a small private school where people wanted to learn, yet they also wanted to have fun in interesting (not stupid or idiotic) ways. People were quite inclusive because being curious and interesting mattered more than being "cool".

Regardless, did you (or has anyone you've known) found what you're talking about when in graduate school (even if it wasn't AT the graduate school)?