Those in college -- did socializing get any easier?

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I've got two years before my son goes to college. Currently, he is social and nice, but never has anyone come over to the house. We attend church, and he does german club at school, and scouts with the guys from church, but other than that, there's no social life for him. Having said that, he is perfectly happy with his social life at school. I don't think he's unhappy.

Like any mother, I worry about how he will experience college. To make that shift in his life even MORE different, we have been Mormon all of his life. We are now very, very slowly peeling away from that. I don't know if he'll be active at all once he leaves our house (and I don't know that we will either). You would think that wouldn't mean much -- but that's at least a community. People kind of take care of you in that situation. If you don't have that, I worry about my son being really alone.

Also, my son has shown a real desire to NOT attend Brigham Young University. I don't blame him -- it's a strange place (I graduated from there). BUT, at least there he won't have to deal with sex or drinking. Anywhere else, he's going to run into dealing with those two issues. Maybe it's not a big deal? I just have no clue what to expect if he goes to a school here in the east. The one he's most interested in is in a big city, and we've visited numerous times because his brother got his master's in the same city. That brother may be staying there -- so at least he'd have that.

Any information you can give me about your experience transitioning to college, and dealing with socializing, would be greatly appreciated.

I've never socialized very much throughout school. When I graduated from high school in '06 I went to a community college and took random classes of whatever I was interested in. I virtually talked to no one. I spent some years doing other stuff and screwing around.

Now, I'm back in school actually trying to get an education. I'm almost done with my first year at a new community college as I complete my general ed classes, majoring in psychology. I still talk to very few people. I talk to the professors I like, and there's never any more than one student who I'll start talking to regularly per semester. I didn't talk to anyone during the winter intersession.

So, I think socializing is the same for me, if only very slightly better, as it has been.

Truthfully, I don't care about making new friends. I've had the same two friends since 4th grade (15 years). That's fine with me.

Thanks for writing your post. Your experience is pretty much what I expect to happen with my son -- except he wants to try college right off the bat, and he hasn't had two friends since fourth grade. I would be THRILLED with that. In fact, if he has two friends at all since that time in school, I would not even be writing this.

I guess my best case scenario would be that he go to a nice geeky engineering school and find other big groups playing video games in student lounges -- and feel comfortable there. That's my best hope.

I wish that I went to college right after high school, or at least a year after. I really wish it hadn't taken five years before I got serious about college. My ultimate goal is a doctorate in psychology. I just wish I started earlier.

I'm in The Netherlands and colleges over here tend to be somewhat similar, so I'm afraid I can't provide any insight in social experiences in conservate and liberal colleges. But I can say, as a third-year university student, that socialising for me will always be a bit awkward.

I'm not incredibly shy, but tend to be more the type of student that talks when she is nervous. This way, I was able to meet people who I now call my best friends in class. I attend faculty parties from time to time, we have a student organisation for my major, and these situations are by far the most awkward. I usually limit my social interaction to chatting with my friends. class is another situation that can be difficult. Because of my hypersensitivity to sound I usually listen to ambient noise, and this keeps students from interacting with me, or me with them, for that matter.

You say your son seems happy with his current social life. Perhaps the best thing is to just wait and see what happens. You might, and I'm not saying that you will, encourage him to come into contact with other college students, but this might leave him uncomfortable and 'socially forced'. Two years is a long time, so perhaps he will develop some new relationships!

I have Aspergers, but I was diagnosed long after college.

College for me and for some of the other people I know who are Aspies was traumatic socially. The behavioral expectations are much greater than high school; suddenly you're considered an adult who already knows the ins and outs of social interaction; at the same time the people you meet know very little or nothing about you so you have to make an impression up front.

Living arrangements are very important for a good college life; the right roommate can make a huge difference too. Be very careful in choosing a dorm or an apartment; you want to know something about his neighbors, RAs, landlords, etc. It actually can make a difference in how a person is treated if people know that there's somebody around to back them up if something happens to them. If he has friends or family in the school or nearby, it's a good idea to make sure he can contact them if he needs help. Knowing something about his teachers would be a good idea too.

There are good things for Aspies in college too: the types of people who rule high school society are not nearly as powerful in college, and there's a good chance he could meet people who share his interests and who think like he does. I met my husband in college and we've been together for twenty-five years.

Thanks so much, everybody, for writing in response to my post. This is all very good information!

I had maybe three friends in high school, but college was life changing. I met all of my life long best friends there and it taught me so much about myself and the world. Before college I was on the immature shallow side, but college taught me to grow up and function independently and open my eyes to things. Those were the best four years of my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I had a few familiar acquaintances in high school due to being with the same people for years on end,
but I've been in college for five + years now, and haven't spoken with anyone but professors.
All the other students just talk among themselves, about I don't know what, but never to me, and I have no idea what to say to them, either.
They don't sound like they're very intellectual, so it's hard for me to want to make an effort.
I pretty much fell apart functionally after high school, being expected to do all these things I'd never done before, just basic things involved with living independently- dishes, driving, laundry. I still don't have good study skills because I never had to study in high school. Et cetera. I'm still trying to recover from the initial shock and I'm 24 years old, to be honest. I fully expect to graduate (in 2.5 more years!) without any contacts or friends.

I know what you mean.

Wow... I can completely relate with what you said. I remember I switched from physics to medicine, and while at the first career there were people I got along with, who were in physics because they liked it, the people at medicine was so vain... I had to switch majors again. And in general it's easier to socialize at school, even if only because if you see the same people every day from 7 to 5 you're bound to make friends with some of them.

Aand... damnit my studying skills are awful, for the same reason. How hard have you tried to make an improvement in that aspect? Your experience seems valuable.

I went to university for four years, in Ireland. After graduating I went to the Netherlands for a two-year Master's program, and after a year break I will stay in the Netherlands to begin work on my PhD. But I think my postdoctoral experience is not relevant here; I'll go into my experience as an undergraduate.

In my university in Ireland, I mostly stayed within a small circle of 2-3 other friends who I shared classes with and spoke to every time I showed up. I saw few signs of a drink or drug culture and never dated any girls - but on reflection, I think this was because I commuted to college every day and rarely went on nights out. If your son were to move out and live in a dorm, of course, it will probably be much different. In that sort of scenario I probably would have been significantly more social, if only by circumstance - I would know my roommate/neighbour and his friends, as well as my classmates and their friends.

In my experience, university students in the first year are generally eager to make friends in their new environment - being 18 year-olds surrounded by peers, trying to reinvent themselves socially. So the first few months of school are a good opportunity to find the social outlets (clubs/societies, in-class friends) that should hopefully last for the entire duration of college. It sounds like your son was like me in that he was content with a little (but not that much) social interaction, and there would be many different opportunities for that with each class and club/society.

When I went to university there were services for people with AS, the most important for me being the social skills group for people with AS. The experience wasn't essential, but I learned some things from it and I had another social outlet. Most universities probably don't have anything like this, but if they do... It's worth seeking out.

You might be interested to know that I never drank in college, which is very unusual for an Irish college student. People you don't know very well might feel more uncomfortable around you in gatherings where social drinking is involved, knowing that you won't drink with them. But if you're polite and casual about it it's not really a big deal, especially if you've made a few good friends early on who don't mind your eccentricities. Late-night parties when you're not drunk and everyone else is can be pretty boring, especially if people go to a noisy club - I was usually among the first people to leave on a night out.

I already had some familiarity with drinking culture in Ireland from a few nights out I had in the last year of high school, but I suppose your son's school might be different.

I have had the experience of two different colleges: giant public (where I spent one year) and small private where I am currently. I got rejected from the school, went a year elsewhere, and applied again so I know how your son feels about being locked onto a school.

Both schools are both very different - and no college is alike. At the larger college the only way you would really get a chance to social is if you joined a club - and there are a lot of them. I was thankful for one of the clubs (called Social Club) was a really small one dedicated to people on the Autistic spectrum. I did not befriend anyone there, but it was still pretty fun. The friends I made were not until the second half of my year there and very much not intentional. I had a lab partner and we found one another to be "interesting" - he was not an extrovert or anything, but his communication skills were very admirable though his word choice is odd (He recently called me adorable, like Derpy Hooves from My Little Pony...and I am a guy). But before that I really never thought much of it. I do not mind being alone, I am more inclined to feel lonely when I am in a large group and see other people having fun while I am not. At my current school, I "think" I have friends, but I really do not know at this point. It is the type of place where everyone knows everyone else and there is a heavy emphasis on teamwork (The "shoot me" kind of thing for an Aspie - I am getting a bad reputation for not talking and my first report card is depressing enough). But it is also extremely accepting. There is no pressure for drinking or sex or drugs, etc. If you do them, okay. It you don't do them, that is fine as well.

But there are a few things they have in common/you should keep in mind:
1) Video games - all the time. At large school, someone or a crowd was always playing in the lounge, at small school there are video game parties in people's rooms. There will always be a geeky game group.
2) If you are worried about roommates, then you can apply for a single/medical single, the reason being Aspergers/Autism. It will help to reduce stress from chaotic social life.
3) Talking to professors is a required skill. It will make things much easier. Honestly, you can get by without much of a social life, but if you cannot talk to a professor, then you will very likely not do well. Extra emphasis at small schools.
4) First year people will start making their own social bubbles. These may change every so often to include/exclude people, but otherwise they will stay constant. The only exception would be classes where you may have to mingle with people for assignment related reasons. Usually any social pressure will be within these bubbles - if you are not in one, there is really no pressure to do anything. College life is fast and busy and college students are enthusiastic but lazy. They generally do not drag outside people into anything they are doing.
5) Schedules and sleep can become mortal enemies and will really mess everything up. Personally I see these as a bigger issue than anything else. It is very hard to keep a strict schedule, there is always something new happening, assignments get longer and harder, sleep becomes easier to put off, etc. Again - from my experience, I sleep a lot during the day and work when other people are not making a social life much more difficult.

So yeah...sorry for talking so much. But I hope it helps.

I made a few friends in college I am still friends with today; and some I'm not.

One thing that is good about college is it's no where near as cliquey as high school. There are also opportunities for people to interact that might not be there before. The geeks and nerds don't get chased down the hall or tormented; they actually tend to form strong groups.

Some schools have programs for social skills. My friend runs a program for women with ASD and also a program for anyone with ASD to go on planned activities and socialize.

The college's disability support office should be able to help too.

As for drugs and sex; these are things your son will experience in the world. You can't shelter him forever unfortunately. Well you could; but that's kinna creepy.

I was offered drugs many times in college, pushed to do stupid stuff many times; but in some ways I think my AS stubbornness made me immune.

Teach your son good values, that is the best defense against drugs and sex.

Also, I don't think that BYU is immune from drugs and sex; just kept very quiet and underground. These programs exist at every college on earth.

You guys are GREAT!! ! This is EXCELLENT information! I was hoping to hear somebody mention that there are always people playing video games in lounges, etc. I think my son has fairly good social skills, as long as he has a link to somebody like a shared interest in video games. If he could connect that way, then I envision people getting hungry and going out for pizza afterwards, etc.

Truer words were never spoken. Way back in the 80's my husband was in a group of friends at BYU who ALL (except him) drank and smoked pot, etc. Nicest guys in the world -- but they got in trouble, and they all got kicked out. This sort of thing is still going on, I'm sure -- it's just the kids are smarter at keeping it underground.

I'm not so much worried about my son and drugs and sex -- he's conservative enough. But I am worried that HE will be freaked out and unprepared for this stuff. We'll do what we can before he goes, but you can't forecast every experience one has to deal with in college. His brother just finished up at UPenn in Philadelphia, and as a Mormon managed to still go to bars with friends and just order ginger ale. He totally was fine with it, but he's also 25 -- not 18. He went to BYU for his Bachelor's, and had the "safety" that going there provides.

I can see that if my older son gets a job and stays in Philadelphia, my younger son may just go to Drexel, also in Philadelphia. From what I've seen, it's a good engineering/nerd school, so I think that he may be fine there. Just wanted to hear how all of you have dealt with socializing in college. You all have helped me more than you know...

Socializing doesn't get easier in college, in some ways I think it even gets harder....but there are many more opportunities to socialize than pretty much any other time in life. If you get involved in everything you can...extracurricular activities, volunteering, group projects/study sessions, etc., there's a good chance you'll be able to meet some people.

A problem I found when trying to meet people in college is that many people there already have their group of friends, and aren't really looking to make any new ones. For example I did a lot of volunteer work and such with various organizations in college, and the vast majority of people would show up with 1-2 of their friends, stay with them the whole time and never say a word to anyone else, other than to let us know they were there lol.