Need thoughts/advice re: my daughter's college experience

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My daughter is in her first year of a four-year college. She lives in the dorm there; has her own room now. She says she likes it and really wants to go back there next year.

Problem is, her grades are not very good. We have been surprised at this, because she is very smart, has high test scores, and did mostly all right being homeschooled all the way through high school. But she is really struggling at college.

She has some trouble getting to sleep on time; takes melatonin which helps some. But I think she stays up too late on her computer a lot.

She also has a difficult time eating well. It sounds like she skips many meals, and then eats mostly just carbs, like crackers, and pasta. She has always been a very limited eater, but when she lived at home, I could at least get her to eat some fruit and a little healthier. I don't think she is making herself do that.

She started college with a really good scholarship, but her GPA is too low, so she will lose the scholarship. I don't even know if we can afford to keep her in her college for next year. I also really don't know if it is worth it, since she doesn't get everything she can out of college.

She socializes very little. She doesn't belong to any clubs or groups. She really is barely managing to stay afloat with just 3 real classes plus a PE class and orchestra. So I can't really encourage her to add more groups, because already her grades are pretty dismal.

Help! We just don't know what to do.

Do you live close enough to school, so she can commute?

Nope, we are 2 hours away. I am even considering getting an apartment there, though, and moving there myself for a year or so, so she could live with me, and I could help moderate her sleeping/eating/studying. But, I don't think she'd like that. She wants to be independent. But the reality is that it is difficult for her.

If she is not used to the classroom setting (having been previously homeschooled), then having to be around many other students may be compromising her ability to learn. Heck, at my university, this was even a common problem for some NT incoming students coming into large classes of several hundred students. Of course, this may or may not be applicable to your daughter -- it's just one possibility to consider.

Sleeping and eating well is really important for strong academic performance, and easily overlooked by college students. It is extremely common for incoming college freshmen (NT included) to struggle with this, and I'm sure there are online resources to help address this.

I found college to be significantly more difficult than high school, and that studying the material with others was really important to do well in many classes. This may be hard for her, of course -- but I found finding others to study with was much less a social activity and not too difficult, even being someone who found socializing/making friends difficult in other contexts.

The most important thing I can advise you is to talk to her and find out what factors are causing her to perform poorly. This may be hard to find out, as even she might not be sure, but even figuring out what went wrong on specific tests/assignments is a good starting point.

Also, you may want to have her talk to her RA (Resident Adviser/Assistant -- there is usually one per floor in college dorms) about ways she can improve her grades; that person would likely be able to give some basic help or refer her to somewhere on campus that has like study skills workshops.

I failed most classes my first year of Uni. I went back for a second year and then got put on academic probation and lost my loans. After that I took time off to work and loose jobs (one after the other) and be depressed. Looking back I realize that those first years at uni were an oppertunity to relax. Being at university on student loans meant that I had a place to live without having to hold a job. This obviously is what university is for but I had been living on my own for 5 years and I was tired.

At the same time though, I was stressed out over my struggle with classes. So I would go to class and come back and just spend the rest of the day decompressing from that enviornment rather than studdying. Were my parents around (which they hadn't been for a while) they might have kept me on schedual. But it's important to figure out how to make progress while living independantly anyway.

When I did go back to school the second time I was fortunate to find a place that was more ideal for me. I went to Maharishi University where they did block learning (one class at a time) and had meditating schedualed in throughout the day. My grades got much better. I regret that my GPA was hurt so much by my first experiance at Uni. I would have stayed at Marharishi untill completion of my BA but then I met my husband and couldn't wait to be with him so off I was to England. I finished my BA via internet and I found that all right as well. I went back to having multiple classes a semester but being able to do the work at home helped. The best experiance was at Marharishi. Can I ask what does your daughter major in?

I think that there are a lot more unwritten social rules at university than most people realize.
I had trouble fitting into the "system" but no problems with doing what they told me to do (like reading the pensum etc.).

I find oral exams especially challenging, the professor will ask questions, but will not ask them directly because that would be to "easy". There are lots of nonverbal communication in an oral exam. I guess it would have helped me if it was known that I have aspergers - then the questioning could have been different (I do not "get" when I have to say something and always end up being told that I should have initiated the conversation).

That said, there are lots of other problems as well, like living away from home etc. Maybe a more structured life could be good? I just found out about my own aspergers about a year ago and I am considering a more structured life would be beneficial for me (also regarding eating habits, as I forget to eat).

An update: Daughter had to drop one of her courses, and made Cs in the other two courses. She has lost her scholarship, but could potentially earn it back down the road if/when she could raise her GPA substantially.

She's home now for the summer, taking one course from her college in an online format, and it's going super well so far. She's getting reminders from me to keep on track, though. Not like all the time, but I just ask some questions once in awhile, and she's doing great.

It seems that she might do best with taking a very light load, like becoming a part-time student, and having a part-time job, to give her day some structure.

So we are thinking about her having her own apartment very near the college, as she cannot live in the dorms as a part-time student. Also, I think she's had enough of the dorm experience. In an apartment, she could learn independent living skills which could move her along the road to full adulthood.

What do y'all think about this idea? Crazy or not?

My opinion, if she's made it through three years, its definately in her best interest to finish and graduate. With the way the economy is, it becomming more and more competative in the high-school grade world/ GED world to get a job. She'll have much better odds at a well paying job with a college/University diploma. Youve mentioned how expensive anothet yr. is to pay for at this time. If she doesnt complete college now, paying forit later may not even be an option. The poblems you describe do sound like AS type problems, like management/ organization and so forth. These problems will make her not having a degree that much more difficult. Its not at all a bad idea for her to work specifically on life skills, i would just give it one more yr. Also, if at first she doesnt want to work on these things, just be respectful and patient witb that choice and a couple yrs later she likely will realize better that she needs help improving these areas. With AS a lot of these difficulties are life long, but can be improved. She may not notice it so much now or be in denial, but when she gets into the business world she'll hopefully want to work on these things. Its just my opinion that not having a degree would make it even harder. Everyones different though. Im glad that you care to help her work on these life skills...

Sorry, I got interrupted.anyway, the second part of my reply...i was going to add that your ideas definately doesnt sound crazy. It may be a very good idea, if things have become too overwhelming as a full time student. It would be a way she could complete her degree, and have time to work on the other things and some down time. I think its a good idea. Whatever you decide, it makes most sense for her to finish the degree if shes already done three years.

About the food, does the college have a dining hall? I know that mine did and they it provided a lot of really good and balanced meals, it made it easy to eat healthy without having to constantly worry about cooking or going to the store (which can be next to impossible in a dorm with the lack of decent kitchens or refrigerators).

What is she majoring in? I'm sure you already have, but you need to confront her about her grades and make sure that she understands fully and completely that unless she can pull them up, she very well may not finish college and may not get a decent job.

I'm going to speak a bit from personal experience here, but my freshman year of college was very similar to what you describe (almost to the letter actually, when I think about it). The main reason was that during high school, I didn't have to study a single day of my life, I made straight A's without lifting a finger because it was so painfully easy. After all, in high school they gear the courses for the lowest common denominator, not the highest. However, once I got to college, I assumed I could go about things the same way, but before I knew it my GPA plummeted down to like a 2.6.

So how did I solve this? I realized at this point that if I didn't make a serious change, I was going to have to drop out. So I came back the next year, and devoted all of my time and energy into studying and making sure I did my best in all of my classes. And it worked, I was able to make a 4.0 for several semesters in a row after that, and eventually graduated cum laude even with the terrible first-year grades, and was even nominated by a professor in my college as being one of their top students. I worked my butt off to do it though, but it was well worth it.

So I guess my point is that your daughter still has a good change to succeed in college and actually do very well, but in order for that to happen she has to make a serious change and be willing to put in the time, effort, and dedication required to make it a reality. If you want any more specific advice feel free to ask and I would be happy to try and help.