Just Transferred to a New Dorm...

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Hi. I'm new. I figure I will jump right into my first question and introduce myself all at the same time. I am 22 years old and was diagnosed with Aspergers right before my second year of college. I am currently a senior and I go to a large public University. I have had difficulties making and keeping friends my entire life, probably due to personal traits that "turn people off," such as my negative view of the world that I share with people when I am in not so good of a mood. I feel like I have a split personality in some ways due to this because I am fairly confident when I am in a better mood, which I am now strangely enough. I have just transferred to a new dorm for my second to last semester and I do not know anyone. It is quite awkward, especially when everyone on the floor seems to already have well-established friendships. I am in a single due to difficulties with my roommate last semester, and I could not stand being with another roommate while having many important classes I need to focus on. It was quite a hard decision, especially since I liked many people on my old floor and since I have been there 2 and a half years.

I know generally how to make friends, introduce yourself, make a bit of small talk, and be sure to shake hands at the end of the conversation and such. However, I am not really sure how to go much deeper than that, especially in an area where many people know each other already. It is much easier at the beginning of a semester when everyone's still meeting people. I have a floor dinner my first Tuesday after a long day of new classes. I am hoping I will get an idea of what people are like there before going on to meet individual people on the floor. However, I am not sure if I should have been friendly right from the start, because currently I am just ignoring people, and they are doing the same to me. Not really sure how to break the ice, especially when they already have a well established network on this floor. It is quite a social floor, albeit also making it a loud one probably due to being coed. One thing that keeps me at a bit of ease though, is that I am probably older than most of them, so it is a bit less intimidating in that respect. Wrong Planet forum members, what is your advice on this difficult situation?

Welcome to WP!

I have no advice, but I can share my personal experiences.

My final year in grad school I moved to a private room in a new dorm, for reasons similar to those you mention. Because it was so near the end of my time at university, and because I had course work requiring focus, and because developing friendships beyond casual hallway/elevator acquaintances is taxing for me, I chose to not trouble myself with developing deeper friendships. I would only be around those people for a few more months anyway, so I could not justify the above-normal effort that getting to know them would require of me.

This somewhat unorthodox but consciously considered and chosen approach worked well for me.

Cheers.

Well, first off, Welcome to Wrong Planet and good luck this semester!  :D

And I think you're playing it well, like a poker tournament or football game, taking it easy, getting the lay of the land, not going "all in" at the beginning.

Maybe after the dinner Tuesday, start introducing yourself to fellow dorm mates in a brief, low-key manner.

And reciprocity is pretty important when someone else makes an overture.  If you really can't make it to an event, maybe suggest a time later that day or next couple of days when you can.  Or, if the event really doesn't appeal to you, thank them and perhaps casually say, maybe something else.

And then we get to the point, other than romantic relationships, undertrying really seems to be the coin of the realm.  Similar to business negotiation, the party who cares more typically loses.  And I guess people just don't like being pressured.  So, the antidote is, don't fake it, really don't care.  I mean, if you have ever thought about frisbee golf, or a hiking club, or peace activism, or cat rescue, or community theater.  And jump ahead and stay ahead in your classes if possible, using some of your best energy hours for studying, and then you'll have time for this other stuff.  And then, all your social eggs will not be in the one basket of dorm life.

Sounds like solid advice to me. I am aware of the "playing hard to get" method of creating and maintaining relationships. If they're interested, they usually come to you. I have also been trying to look like I have a busy life by hanging out with other friends these past few days rather than staying in the dorm. I'm hoping it gives the impression that I have an interesting life.

In Houston apartment complexes, no one knows anyone, or hardly anyone knows anyone. People as a general rule just do not meet their neighbors. And so, I kind of developed my own method of talking while keep walking. I decided people were pathologically afraid of getting bogged down with a neighbor. So fine, I decided we can actually have a halfway decent conversation while I just keep walking and keep doing what I was doing (as if I was a businessman with plenty to do). Perhaps some modified method for dorms.

Just met a bunch of people, and felt like I said a bunch of awkward things. I tend to do that if get a meet a few too many people at once. Also, the floor is about 95% sophomore, which makes me feel slightly more out of place. Then again I am also older than all of them, now pretty much guaranteed. Takes the pressure off still, knowing that I will be leaving the dorm in 3 months.

Here are some things I feel I did wrong:

Gave a bit too much information at times.

Mentioned how I was 22 after being asked my age once they knew I was a senior. Told them how drinking loses its appeal once you get older.

Finally, noticed a beer pong game, and I commented saying have fun. Didn't really want to join after mentioning the drinking thing. Probably shouldn't get drunk around a floor of people I just met as well especially on a Tuesday night.

Also sorry in advance If I am violating any rules by mentioning these things here. Not sure if it is appropriate to mention drinking in this particular forum, although it is about college life, and it is to be expected.

Any immediate tips for improving with my next social bout with them. I know I will have the awkwardness all of my life, but mitigating it for situations like these would be quite helpful.

Based on what you wrote I'm not seeing anything that I would consider having been done wrong.

I worked for 2-3 years between high school and college, so I also went through college older than my classmates. At that age, and having intervening work experience, those 2-3 years are significant. (Simple developmental psychology, that.)

So I found not being shy about casually mentioning my age helped others understand that I was coming from a different place. Did it create a bit of distance between me and them? Yes, and rightly so. Differences would be noted eventually anyway; best to preemptively offer an explanation than to be thought just plain weird.

I'm actually pretty solid now with the floor. Wouldn't say friends yet, but definitely acquaintances. They're a pretty social floor so it's not too difficult. I know I'm probably awkward at times, but that has not really stopped me in the past. I just feel I overthink things sometimes.