How to forgive myself and move on

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I am a composer and also a pianist. I've had a rather brutal psychological road in my life so far, leaving a prestigious school in order to begin a degree in music, among a litany of other huge struggles (which are irrelevant to detail here). So I suppose that I pour all of my love and also all of my problems into music -- it's like my life-boat.

After a lifetime of being too afraid to compose, I finally worked to the point where I have the skills and courage to put together enough pieces for a performance. A month ago I had my very first performance of my works in front of my mother, my entire studio, my piano teacher, and other students and friends.

I had been completing these pieces during the week, working for 15 or more hours a day. I was sleep-deprived and a little bit crazy because of it. The stress was mounting and my self-esteem was going between very high and very low. Exhausting was setting in too.

When I performed, I really wanted to express my feelings. But I think I unfortunately lapsed into some histrionics -- unnecessary swaying and faces. This was also my way of coping with the incredible amount of anxiety I had about the performance. I didn't totally do this on purpose, but I also let it happen. The sleep-deprivation and the isolation over the week (months, and years, really) had warped my self-perception to an extent. I did these things also for another reason: I wanted people around me to feel that what I had to say was important. But that's not what composing is for. And I really don't appreciate or stand by that ethic.

The last thing I want is to be fake or phony. I put so much love and care into music, I'm rather introverted as well and I value stillness. This performance still haunts me. Everybody really seemed to love the music and I stood out in a way as having very good pieces. People afterwards said I would have a very bright future, and my professor, a pretty rigid and not readily impressed man, cried during my performance. So I feel happy about that. But I wish I could just erase the entire thing and do it again in a calmer, more composed way.

How can I forgive myself for stooping to such ridiculous levels? How can I get back my confidence? I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. This appears to be yet another creative block now.

The difficulty of handling oneself as a performer and as someone on the autism spectrum has proven difficult or even impossibly challenging. Who am I off-stage? Who am I on-stage? I don't know, and I don't know.

Thanks

as my friend told me when i confessed to him what i thought was an egregious act, "you didn't kill 6 million jews." remind yourself that what you did was small potatoes. if it still really bothers you, commit yourself to not do it again. that's the purpose of guilt - behavior change. once you have that, any guilt remaining is false guilt. distract yourself from it over and over. it will go away.

Congratulate yourself on having the courage to perform.

Forgive yourself for 'making faces'. No doubt Liberace had to practice smiling while performing.

I don't see a need to forgive yourself for anything. You've done nothing wrong.

If your performance was 'ruined' by your swaying and facial expressions because of your anxiety (and admit it, love of music too! what moves you... moves you! Literally!) then perhaps you could in the future combine some visual performing arts to go along with your music?

For example, shadow theatre? That way you can play the piano as a shadow...reduces your anxiety and any exaggerated/out of place body movements will actually enhance the shadow performance...and they wont see any facial expressions. Combined with good light work and color effects it could be grand.

I wish I could compose and perform, no matter how histrionic the performance is.

Since that stoic teacher cried, it seems as if you have a bright future.

Forgive yourself--for what? You did nothing wrong.

Perhaps there's untapped genius in you.

At least for now, I would just stick with that and keep right on going.


Each person in your audience perceived things and either reacted or responded in his or her own way, so just be sure to always remain genuine even as you tweak your delivery as based upon what you know, learn or feel.

I think it's pretty common for autistic people to be embarrassed if they show a lot of emotion. We often have what's called "flat affect," which is varying degrees of muted or absent emotional expression.

I have a rather monotonous, unemotional singing voice. Sometimes, I try to emote more when recording myself and worry that I'll sound like an overemotional basket case, but when I play it back, half the time I sound almost as monotone as when I sing normally! What it sounds like in the moment and what it sounds like recorded are totally different. Then, there was a time I was showing off my range for someone and he said I sounded like I was really getting into the lyrics, i.e. sounding emotional. I think I'd have been less embarrassed if he'd seen my boobs!

My guess is that you gave what NTs would consider "an authentic, from-the-heart, moving performance." (<--in quotes because I'm trying to sound like an NT music critic, not because I'm mocking anything) If it felt overboard for you, rectify it next time, but don't fall into a pattern of finding a reason not to move forward in every performance. You need to allow yourself to succeed.

I know, right? I had the same experience when a couple of friends/colleagues accidentally heard me singing and said something similar.

It's so nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm appalled at any display of histrionics in myself and can still feel the sting of embarassment when looking back on some occasions. To the OP, I just advise you not to dwell on it... the NTs certainly aren't going to.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies!

Over the past few weeks I have slowly made peace with the event. I still have that "sting" of embarrassment but less so. The way I think about it is just like this --- I was experimenting with a different, more extroverted way of doing things. It was so unnatural in some way that I feel bad about it. But now at least I have the freedom to be less trapped by anxiety, because I know that if I decide to, I can free myself and be extremely expressive. The stoicism is just as extreme and uncomfortable as the extreme extroversion. Maybe I can keep working to find a middle ground.