Are my Parents Trying to Take Over my University Life?

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I am eighteen years old, and going to university at the start of next school year. At the beginning of this school year, I was reassessed per my parent's request, and diagnosed with ASD, (which I'd already been diagnosed with,) a Visual Spacial LD and a generalized anxiety disorder. My parents have since held this, (coupled with the fact that I have a very difficult time getting anywhere onetime,) against me in my transition to university. It started out with broader things: my parents said I probably would not be permitted to live in residence. I finally "wore them down" on that, and they agreed to allow me to live in residence, but only if I lived in the same city as them, (there are only a few universities in the whole city, and a lot of the ones I wanted to go to were well outside of the city limits.) I finally was forced to give in on that one, and have now been accepted at two of those universities, and am pending an acceptance at the third. Now they are saying that they expect what for me is a very substantial financial contribution to pay for my university, but still say that because they are paying for the majority of my university that I must follow all of their rules. Their rules are that I must check in with the don at all times so that and that I am accounted for, I must register with the disabilities office, and I am forbidden from taking more than 3 courses a semester, (a full load is five,) until they have judged that I am ready for more. I am dead-set against all of these things, but despite my attempts to get a job, I have been unsuccessful, therefore, I have absolutely no financial traction, so they have basically said that their way goes, and there is no room for negotiation. They claim that my assessment says that I should not live on my own, and that I need all of these accommodations. It is my opinion that these are things that are offered and suggested, not necessarily needed. I feel like they tend to focus on my challenges rather than my abilities, and it is very frustrating. Does anybody who has experienced something similar have any advice, or opinions on this, and on how my parents and I can communicate more effectively, and with less fighting? I know that they care about me, and all, but they have no faith in me.

Parents can be like that. The best thing that you can do is to exceed their expectations and prove that they do not need to worry about you.

Exceeding their expectations is good, but - depending on your parents' personalities - it may only feed back into their belief that your success has largely to do with what they decided your day schedule would look like.

It may be time to break into some new ground, semi-rebellious territory. Have you tried applying for scholarships? Are you set on using your current university as a stepping stone to something out-of-state? And how much control do your parents have over your classes? Could you select more than three classes and expect to get away with it?

Yeah, maybe, thanks! I'm not really looking to get anything past them, though, more have constructive dialogue with them.

Well, there's a variety of dialogues you could engage in. What happens when you have to move out of the house and find work? What happens when they eventually grow too old to take care of you? Shouldn't they acquiesce and provide you the opportunity to handle independence in college, where you still have a local support group to turn toward in dire times?

Or, since you mention that they focus more on your disabilities than your talents, you could try to guilt-trip them into giving you a greater degree of freedom. Am I just a sick child to you? What about the things I can do, the things I have done? You've signed up for campus disability support - shouldn't your parents take a more hands-off approach and see if you already get all the help you actually need?

You could also strike a deal with them: Next semester, do X and Y simultaneously while still keeping things together. There is, however, an inherent risk in this route - if you fail to do exactly that, they will more than likely hold it against you in the future. You may end up being in a worse situation than before ("worse" being subjective, of course).

From the descriptions you've provided, your parents strike me as overwhelmingly protective - and I've dealt with plenty of late-night complaints from acquaintances who felt suffocated by their family. If you can expect a certain amount of reason from them, by all means push the debate - but from what I understand, you'll forgive me if I think dialogue is a little futile. At the very least, you'd be putting yourself at a disadvantage (which, admittedly, you've already noted in your post). Assuming all else fails, you may want to consider flying certain things under their radar. If you succeed at managing five classes, for example, you can use that fact as leverage when next you speak with them; but if you fail, they would preferably be none the wiser, and you can try again whenever you feel able to.

Hey Writergirl53.

Yeah, I don't think it's a good idea to lie or mislead your parents especially since you want them to trust you and hopefully, let you make more decisions/become more independent in the future. Maybe if you really do want to take more classes, then suggest a compromise. Tell them that you want to take the full courseload or even 4 classes, and assure them that if things get too overwhelming or if you find out that you're getting too behind in your classes, then you'll drop 1 or 2 classes before the drop date. OR you could take the 3 courses that they're asking of you, do well in those courses, and then tell them during your semester break that you want to challenge yourself further with additional courses. Your parents seem protective, and possibly overbearing at times, but that may not be such a bad thing. They want you to be well prepared for college and help you be successful. Maybe you can reassure them that if things get too hectic, then you know when/how/what to do in those situations. For some, the transition to college can be difficult and some do struggle in their courses and with life (social atmosphere, making friends etc), so it's possible that your parents are doing their best to minimize that and help you have an enjoyable time. Anyways, it seems like you have a good idea of what you're going to do, so just remember to keep an open line of communication with them. I hope that helps.

Thank you both for the advice! My parents are a bit protective, but they do have my best interest at heart, I was a bit upset with them when I wrote the post, so that may have coloured the post a bit. I think that setting concrete criterion is a very good idea, and I will talk with them about this. They have already mentioned that they would let me take more when they have decided I am ready, but they have left "ready" totally ambiguous, and therefore subject to changes and parental worries, lol! I'll try what you all said, and see if a compromise can't be reached!

I feel so, so sad for you. My parents did this to me a year ago and now I am at home with no job or college, and I am simply sitting around with no independence what so ever and barely get to leave the house.

Since your parents control the pursestrings, they can make the rules. If you are considered an adult (this means your parents have not applied to the courts for guardianship and the courts gave it to them), your only option is to pay for college yourself.

Writergirl53, am I correct in assuming with you using the word don for I guess either instructor or person who helps organize the residence hall, that you live in the UK?

With jobs here in the U.S. and I think probably in the UK as well, it has always been a numbers game but now more than ever. Meaning, please don't get discouraged, or don't over-invest or build up your hopes too high for any one job application, but keep applying at a goodly variety of jobs. In addition, even prior to the semester beginning, you may be able to get a job at the college, although the same numbers game applies to this too. A job on campus does potentially save a significant amount of time.