Too depressed to focus

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All I want to do is go to a halfway decent four year school where I can take their most advanced classes in math and physics and become a theoretical physicist or mathematician and solve math problems all day. I did great in high school - well not REALLY great but I got mostly A's, and I scored 34 on the ACT (that's 99th percentile, and good enough for any college in the country).

But when you live in California, if you have lost your higher educational virginity anywhere other than at their state unis before applying as a freshman at their state unis (I mean both the prestigious UCs and the crappy CSUs) it doesn't matter how well you did in high school, the state unis are off limits until you get at least 60 credits at a community college.

That's the sad case for me; it's a long story but I went to two different colleges for a semester each in another state before moving here, and then when I moved here I found out about this rule.

I HATE COMMUNITY COLLEGE

These are the reasons why:

1) No advanced physics or math classes (I've already studied beyond all of their offerings on my own so I feel like I've earned the right to challenge an upper-division course rather than waste my time)
2) Most teachers enforce class attendance - you get graded down or even dropped if you don't attend, and exemptions to this rule cannot be waived through DSPS. Compare with 4 year schools, which from what I heard usually only require attendance on test day and maybe lab days.
3) No matter how easy the coursework is, I CANNOT GET A GOOD GRADE if I have to sit in a classroom and listen to a teacher... it causes me to suffer depression and anxiety and I can't think straight and it's a waste of time when I could be doing the work at home... which means that unless I accept crappy grades like B's and C's for myself so I can only transfer to the crappy college I WILL BE STUCK HERE FOREVER!! !
(And don't tell me "well just take online classes!" those offerings are limited and tend to be less rigorous anyway)

After three years of self-study, tutoring to make spare cash, and waiting for SSI in a group home that would force me to leave the house whenever they had to go somewhere (I can't study effectively at a library or a coffee shop or anywhere other than on my own bed lying down like a lazy ass really) after being thrown out of a community college while attempting to take physics and math classes, and getting D's and high F's on what should have been easy tests (I got mostly easy A's at the other two colleges; one of them was a four year but a crappy one that did not offer physics as a major anyway; I was honestly surprised though, I had a crying fit three-quarters of the way through and wanted to drop out) and being put in the nuthouse for two days because they thought I was suicidal, I thought I would just take classes in other transferable subjects that I didn't know much about so I wouldn't get bored. Last semester I registered late, but I managed to get into a Japanese class, a Chinese class and a piano class. I had to drop the Japanese and Chinese classes though, not because I was doing horribly (I was actually quite ahead of the class) but because on some days I suffered depressed anxiety feelings in the classroom. The class periods were long and it gets boring and my executive function was too frazzled by all this to keep track of the assignments I was behind in from not being able to afford the school books early enough; I used to be okay with sitting passively in classrooms and just doodling or whatever but recently I've come to find such experiences traumatizing, almost claustrophobic, and I just want to run out of the classroom. And the experience haunts me and puts my nerves on end for the rest of the week so it's not just a matter of putting up with it for two and a half hours and getting it over with.

As for this semester, I have three computer programming classes and Piano 2, I only have to attend class twice a week for Piano and just one of the computer classes (as for the others, one is all online and the professor for the other has given me permission to stay home on that day and do all my assignments at home) and I have been doing great so far... up until about halfway into the semester. I'm not sure quite what caused my sudden bout of depression; a bunch of things I guess. I've half-assed a few of my computer assignments; I just hardly want to study it anymore, and my brain often gets too depressed to even function when I try to study it, even on my ADHD meds (which have for the most part eliminated my depressive tendencies up until now) and I escape from it by studying advanced math and physics, you know stuff I cannot take at this lousy school And I had finally gotten in a good habit of practicing for Piano class when all of a sudden I start sobbing at the piano instead of playing it. Part of it is knowing the teacher is grading me down for not being able to play along with the other students in the classroom, which ruins the class experience for me the more I think about it, and also there's just one thing on the tests that I can't get... see, I just cannot understand rhythmic syllables, the teacher's made up babytalk language for teaching rhythm, because they make no mathematical sense whatsoever. I don't even know why I should bother to learn them when I have a good sense of rhythm anyway; what's wrong with counting rhythm using regular numbers? But that's just the icing on the cake.

I'm not worried about passing, but I'm worried about not getting A's which I know is about as good as failing as far as getting into a UC is concerned. As for a CSU, well that might not be too bad but the thought of being condemned to the crappier college when I am more than good enough for the good college, just because I can't put up with listening to people in lecture is unbearable, and a blight on society, and who knows what opportunities I will miss out on. I need to do something fantastic and stand out just to have a shot at acceptance, but community college has more limited opportunities than high school to stand out - fewer math contests, NO science fairs, et cetera. Well I'm in the math club here, but the math contest they do will only result in a scholarship if you're top in the country, and the teacher does not expect much of the other students and gets frustrated when I want to solve problems using upper division level math, and probably doesn't understand half of what I have taught myself. He suggests I take the math GRE but I can't afford that...

Have you tried contacting accessibility services at your campus? They may help work as a liaison between you and your professors - perhaps come to some kind of agreement so you don't have to sit through lecture as often. If the college offers health and counseling support, you may want to see if they can also function as a middleman of sorts.

Meanwhile, this is slightly off-topic, but I can guarantee you that - at the CSU level, at least - you'll almost certainly have to show up to lectures to earn class credit. This may not be the case for UCs, but many of my professors do grade for participation, and the majority want you to show up on time. (Of course, that isn't to suggest that they aren't willing to negotiate on the side - and you can typically get away with skipping class if it's in a large lecture hall.)

For math and science classes, do you have to go to lecture?
It seems that these classes would be easy at community college, so you could skip lectures and just do the homework and take the tests and get good grades.

I'm going to see them on Friday.
Well, that's another reason not to go to CSU. I always got the impression that they were basically a four-year community college as far as standards, student quality, and the way classes are run are concerned. If it's an upper division or graduate level class in subjects that I want to major in, if it's mostly discussion instead of lecture I might tolerate it. Although I don't learn much from interacting with people because it gets encoded as episodic rather than semantic memory (personal observation) and so I will remember it in a faulty way that may override semantic memories, which is bad if I remember being confused about whether it equals A or B instead of remembering the time that I figured out how it equals B.

There would be little point in me taking the math and science classes here, since I've already studied all the math they offer and more, and I'm teaching myself upper undergraduate level physics, so it will only make me depressed, especially if I get a bad grade anyway (I feel like I have no power over my grades, or very limited power anyway; I can't guarantee myself an A no matter what I do, because I'm so ADHD that I always miss SOMETHING...). Besides I would still have to attend the labs, which is probably the part I hated most, although labs would probably be bearable if I didn't have to attend class on top of that, since labs are only once a week. There is a program where I can dually enroll in a class at UCSD, but I'm worried about getting the paperwork for that done in time, meeting with a professor, getting permission, etc. And I also need to apply for financial aid but that sounds like such a headache; I'm traumatized by paperwork nowadays and I need somebody to do it all for me. Not help me with it; do it. I can't get help with things because the social interaction of working with others is triggering, so I either have to do it all on my own or let someone else do it all. Same with lab assignments, and cleaning my room for that matter, but I can't clean my room because it will interfere with my ability to focus on studies; same with cooking macaroni so I just use microwave macaroni instead. I eat mainly that because it goes down easily and it makes a good vehicle for tuna, which is healthy and keeps me full all day so I don't get too hungry to study.

I managed to cure my depression the other night by staying up all night; I've been doing that a lot lately, partially because I procrastinate on assignments but also because I kind of like the feeling; I'm less anxious in class when I'm sleep deprived and even if it dampens my ability to think, it doesn't as badly as being in tears and torn up from anxiety does. Yes, scientists have shown that sleep deprivation can quickly relieve depression. That's only a quick fix though; I can't stay up every night, and I've never tried it for longer than one night straight. I think getting sleep but not enough of it may be worse than getting no sleep at all, and the advantage of staying up all night is that you will certainly get a full night's sleep the next night.

It depends on the CSU, but in general, there is rarely much of a difference in education quality between the state and UC campuses. Naturally, UCs get a lot more national prestige, but I've heard from some UC students myself that the only reason you'd ever pay the extra 5 grand in tuition is to have access to better research facilities. My campus, for instance, has a passionate English and art department. We're not famous, but we're still damn good.

Have you considered drinking tea to try calming your nerves? It's a bit of a clichéd suggestion, but it might help.

I haven't had tea in a while, I'm thinking of getting myself a free ounce at Teavana (you can get free ounces of fancy expensive teas there when you get rewards on a Starbucks card) and cutting down on the blueberry Red Bulls that I've become addicted to.

It's not the educational quality that I'm even concerned about so much as the peer group (I'd like one with a high enough level of interest in the kinds of stimulating extracurricular activities that I like), the types of clubs and study abroad opportunities, whether or not they have graduate level math and science classes, and yes the research facilities, and whether I can find a professor that would be willing and able to help me out when I want to do independent research. It's so frustrating that, even though the community colleges lists "Independent study" and stuff like that in the course manual, which MIGHT be worth UC credit depending on how good it is, that it's for the most part unavailable, either because I don't know many of the professors well enough for them to see that I could do a great independent study project, or most of the professors are too busy I guess. I wouldn't say that the professors are necessarily less credentialed or of lower quality; there are a lot who have Ph D's and who have taught at four year colleges before. Although Grossmont has a good music program, it seems like they're cutting back on computer science classes (only one of the classes other than the intro ones was available as an all online class this semester, and I saw a notice about how some classes will only be offered every other semester) and the physics department as far as I could tell was virtually nonexistent, and yes I asked for permission but nobody had the schedule to take me on. Anyway I think UCSD is wasted on students that don't have the vision or initiative to stretch their studies beyond the classroom and take advantage of the research equipment and stuff or whatever is offered to enhance their educational experience; they'll likely become unemployed after they graduate. Then again, employers love the drone types, it seems...

I'm quite good at writing and art, probably better than I am at math and science; if art and writing is like breathing for me, math is like breathing with asthma. Still comes quite naturally, but not without immaculate air quality and the right medication. But I don't really see much point in going to college to pursue English and art; I mean, if you like the professors, that's great, and if they offer contests or alert you of scholarship opportunities or if they can refer you to people who can help you get published, then maybe it's worthwhile, but I'd probably do something like that as extracurricular activities rather than take a boring class on it. I actually did win a writing scholarship once, but the website for the company that awarded it seems to have disappeared. It was first place for a worldwide contest, but I'm not sure too many people entered ,and I got $1000 which, after I dropped out, went toward food (since my dad screwed up with getting us food stamps, and well I didn't care much for his taste in groceries) and one time I had to pay his water bill. I actually happen to know somebody who could get me published, and I would already be published if I would only work on that book full of drawings of fairies that represent the elements of the periodic table instead of study all day, but I can't multitask quite that well and my priorities I think are pretty clear. My dad wants me to quit altogether and just go to an art school I wonder if I could transfer somewhere (a school that has classes in everything, not just an art school) if I pretended to be an art or writing major and then as soon as they were stuck with me I'd take a bunch of physics and math classes and later switch majors... unless art classes and an art major were one of the conditions upon which I was awarded the scholarship, in which case I could maybe double major but I'd be stuck with having to put the most effort into the classes I care about least, just like here.

I asked for extra time to do my C# homework as it was due at 1 today and the teacher said I could take the rest of the day and I got it done by 5. It was really quite easy as usual, even though it seemed so hard yesterday and the day before...

That sucks! I totally understand doing better with higher level work than the lower level grunt work of basic classes. The thought of being stuck in high-school-type basic classes for two years after graduation. Ugh! Upper level classes are so much more fun, and counter-intuitively, I find them easier.

I would get some help. Keep being a squeeky wheel until you find someone to help. I don't live in CA, and I don't know the rules. But I just can't see how that's true, that you are forced in all cases to get 60 credits before you attend state uni. That just doesn't make sense to me. But I'm not an expert on these things. It could be a disability issue. So getting the ADA office involved sounds like a good idea.

While you are at the community collage through, I really recommend that you get out of the way any courses you know you'll need to pass but suck at. For example, I took spanish at a local community collage because I knew I couldn't pass at the state university. There is no such thing as a four year undergrad program that doesn't require things like English Literature and gym, as far as I know. Your vision of just holeing-in and never having to do anything but your preferred math is unlikely to come true. But that doesn't mean that it won't be awesome when you really get involved with a field that you love.

Not in all cases - just if you earned a certain amount of college credits before applying. It was the same in Pennsylvania; I could transfer into the branch campus that had only lower division physics classes anyway after only one semester at the community college, but I'd have to have 60 in order to go to the big school that had physics majors and everything. In California though, it seems that you have to have over a 4.0 just to get into the UC system as a freshman, meanwhile much of their enrollment is earmarked toward transfer students - you can get a guaranteed acceptance if you complete a certain pattern of credits that I could simply not be bothered with.

Also, there's no subject that I really suck at, and there is nothing that would be easier for me at community college than at university. I mean easy in terms of being able to sit through the class every day and not want to run out screaming; if I could just sit home and do all the coursework at home, I would be perfectly fine. I could never put up with a Spanish class here; first of all I already took Spanish for three years in high school, and I was the best student in the class and because my long term memory is exceptional I still remember almost everything, which means I could pass into the higher level class but I'm afraid that might still be too easy; secondly I can't do foreign language classes. I tried, I really wanted to, but now, after trying to take a Japanese class and a Chinese class (for the second time actually), I'm slightly traumatized I understand that you are supposed to be around people and hear people speak in order to understand another language, but then again I probably learned more of my English through reading books than by talking and listening to people as a kid. And you don't learn how to understand native speakers by practicing with others who are NOT native speakers (I remember being in third year Spanish class with kids that still pronounced the "H" in "Hola" and pronounced "llamo" with the English "l" rather than the English "y" sound. And these were honor roll students). I live with people who are native Spanish speakers and I could just learn from them if I asked anyway, though I'm rather shy about it. Oh and then there are websites like Memrise and Duolingo that I frequent whenever I'm in the habit (not in the habit now)...

It's weird; back when I was in high school I found such classes to be just BORING, but nowadays I find them to be TORTURE. Maybe it's because my living conditions at home back then were so intolerable (cruel EVIL foster parent) that I got excited about going to school in the mornings like I was going to Disneyland or something, and nothing that could happen there would even register on the unpleasant meter compared to being yelled at and harassed and treated like less than human and punished over nothing and perpetually denied simple pleasures such as oh say eating and using the internet while at home.

I've already taken a few of those gen ed classes back in Pennsylvania anyway, although transferring them from there might be a pain. I'm just taking whatever I can that I can tolerate. And preferably learn from. I thought I would like learning how to play the piano, and I do, but not in a classroom So now I'm not so sure about taking it for the other two semesters. Computer science classes are mostly fine, since I don't know much about computer science, it's helpful for my math and physics studies, and the classes are either all online or "hybrid"; in the latter case I only have to attend class once a week for two hours, and the one class where I have to do that, well I was scared at first but I find that if I take my medication I'm fine, and I have to work on a programming assignment while in class and get it done in an hour; now the classroom is not ideal working conditions but at least I'm not forced (even though I'm encouraged) to do it in tight collaboration with other people...
And I really hate to do this, but I might want to just take whatever crap I can find that's available as an all-online class; even if it's some lame history or sociology class, since such classes for me are so easy, just writing essays (I know because I have "helped" other people with such classes, and all I can say is that if I got the credit instead of all the people that hired me as a tutor, I would have enough to transfer already) even though I hate anything for an easy A. Any class would probably be an easy A for me if I were able to do everything at home, but I've found that, contrary to what the counselors say, the online classes have a less rigorous curriculum than in-person classes, and I really hope that if I take a bunch of those that the universities don't catch on and think I'm taking mostly those just because they're easy. My all-online Java class for instance is watered down compared with my other programming classes; while I have multiple assignments every week for my C# and C++ classes, I've only had three graded programming assignments so far this semester for the Java class. THREE. And I'm like thirteen weeks into the semester (late April already? WOW) A couple (but not a lot) of nongraded programming assignments as well, oh and a midterm, and a discussion forum that I think I'm supposed to comment on for a grade but the discussion topics just seem so... pointless... like he asks you to look up something and regurgitate info on it. But then if anybody could not get an A in an easy A class it's me... maybe easy classes are less easy for us because so little of the grade depends on doing stuff that's considered hard for most people, and so much depends on menial tasks that are easy for other people but hard for us? In a harder class where neurotypical people would have a hard time getting an A for instance the curve would be different, and so few people would actually do well enough to get an A that the teacher wouldn't need to count credit for homework or participation points in order to mess the curve a bit.
Another thing I have a hard time with is homework. Well, homework that has to be turned in for a grade. Depending on the subject I'd rather just study it on my own time and not have to worry about turning anything in, at least not too urgently. And unless it's online homework I have a hard time keeping track of it; when I got stuff done early in high school the teacher would tell me to hang on to it until the day to turn it in came and then I would lose it by then!

Disability services are laughable. You can get a quiet room to take your test (but not what I really need, a quiet room to sit out the LECTURE) a video camera to record the lecture (if I couldn't get anything out of it the first time, what makes them think I could get anything out of it by listening to it again?) someone to take notes for you (which might actually be helpful, at least just for knowing what assignments need to be done; as for class material, well, I've never found taking notes to be anything but useless; it's like they've never heard of this fantastic new invention that's already got all the information inside, called a TEXTBOOK) and extra time on the test (which first of all I have a hard time rationalizing; if I can get extra time on a test just because I'm ADHD and make enough stupid mistakes to drop my grade down from an A to a B or even on occasion a C, why don't the other kids don't get accommodated for not getting A's just because they don't have an eidetic memory like us autistics? Secondly signing up for extra time on a test requires paperwork and running around and the one time I tried to do it it was too much to be bothered with (what if the teacher isn't there when you run off to get their signature? you can either wait for them and lose track of what you're doing in the meantime or just forget to go after them again when they're available) it's like you have to NOT be ADHD just to get accommodated for ADHD! Well, I do get first dibs on what classes to sign up for, which means I don't have to worry about all the online classes being gone before I can get them anymore, so no complaints there

Why don't you just skip the lectures and study the easy subjects from books and homework and take tests to get good grades and enough credits to transfer to UC? This is what I wondered before, but I didn't understand why you can't do this. Programming classes are easy for this, the lectures make no sense anyway.

In community collage, attendance is a big part of your grade.

OK. Pity party police here: You do know you're having your own personal pity party right? Yes, this sucks. We make students jump through a lot of hoops that don't make any sense. The only thing those hoops prove is that you are will into jump through ridiculous hoops.

Expressing your feelings about how much this sucks is totally acceptable and I'm more than willing to read about your thoughts on the matter. But there's a point where you get to decide wether to let the BS stop you or not. You can suck it up and just get through, you can fight the system, you can find ways to be happy. Or you can give up and live the rest of your life without a degree. It's up to you.

If it were up to me, I would check out the idea of auditing classes that are more interesting to me in a good 4 year school. This might give me a leg up later and I would find it fun. I would also keep looking for ways to transfer in before those two years are complete. But this is just me. I tend to want to find ways to work around and subvert systems. You have to decide what's going to work for you.

I don't think it gets much more subversive than refusing to take classes in the subjects I actually want to major in because they're too easy, and instead studying them at home while taking classes in unrelated subjects just to meet the credit quota. I thought this would be fun, but it's backfiring because I'm feeling resentful about having to deal with so much stress over classes I don't even intend to major in, and yes I even sacrifice grade points to work on the subjects that I love but don't get credit for.

Auditing would be pointless. Lectures, for me, are not to be listened to; they are to be sat through and completely ignored when required for credit, and skipped altogether when not. I cannot learn things from listening to people (this is more so for classes in math and science and music when it gets technical; history lectures are fine to listen to for example). If I even try, my mind will remember some screwed up version and it's like poison, so I'm better off not listening at all; not to mention I am developing claustrophobic feelings from sitting in class. So why would I audit a course if it means sitting in a classroom and trying to put up with that torture when I don't even get credit out of it? I have to figure out how to do everything my own way.

I mentioned that there is a program where I can dually enroll in a UCSD class for cheap. But I have to have somebody help me with that because I cannot multitask; at best, I can serial monotask, but I can't plan one task after another because the thinking about what I need to do next distracts from what I'm doing now. I have to stay at home and study and put that above everything else, even basic hygiene (I still shower regularly because I don't feel comfortable when I'm dirty) My room is a pigsty, I've been wearing unwashed clothes for months and my bed doesn't even have bedsheets on it because the person whom I asked to return a favor by washing them never got around to that so I sleep on a bare pillow top which is now filthy...

I am sorry to hear you are struggling - I am not sure if this is an option, but what about CLEP tests. I don't know if you can take them after you leave high school or not, but perhaps you can get some additional credit that way - then you don't even have to take the classes.

Another thought is online classes - I don't know if your college offers them, but there may be some classes available online - these are usually completely independent and don't require going to any lectures. You just read the material, do the assignments and take the tests.

Finally have you considered online schools? I have never done this, but I wonder if it isn't like online classes from standard schools where you don't have to attend lectures - or if you do they are prerecorded and you can just let them play on your computer while you are doing something else

Good Luck

CLEP tests only offer credit for remedial subjects and are not good for credit at UC. What you're thinking about is AP tests, and from what I've heard you can take them even after high school but at this point there wouldn't be much point in me taking them since I've gotten enough easy subjects out of the way and again they're only good for like really basic classes, and I can't afford to take too many of those - I'm trying to save up to take the GRE subject tests.

Online classes are only available for certain subjects, mostly really easy ones. I wanted to actually learn something if I was going to be bothered to waste my time with school at all which is why I took a few non-online classes anyway but even then I'm still having emotional issues holding me back from doing my work in this one class (an assignment was due today; I tried to do it but I felt too depressed because I slept for too long last night and I need to force myself to stay up all night in order not to feel too depressed to do schoolwork which makes me feel more anxious if it's graded than if it's for my own pleasure) I'm considering taking a whole bunch of online history/social science (yeah, that's about all they've got available) classes this summer just to get easy credits - I've tutored people with these subjects before and from what I've seen you're graded on just essays (which are really easy for me to write) and online tests (which you can too easily cheat on, but then if they let you take it outside the class it's safe to say it's probably an open book test, still easy either way though) and the inherent easyness put me off of taking such classes, but seeing that I'm asking myself to study quite enough on my own I should probably not allow myself to suffer such cognitive dissonance about cutting myself a break here. So long as I don't get too bored and procrastinate, I can't see that I'd have problems with such classes unless the books are too expensive or something.

Online schools for physics and math - you're kidding right? If you mean not-for-credit MOOC's I already take a whole bunch of those (and yes, I spend more time on them than I do on my school subjects - it's easier to spend time on something if you're not worried about getting a good grade on it). Oh and lectures don't work for me, are only slightly (that is to say, insignificantly) more comprehensible in video format than in person, and what little I would get from listening to them would be obliterated by doing anything else while they're playing, such is my inability to concentrate without getting "high" on amphetamines, or multitask no matter how much I take (maybe if I took more than the doctor prescribed, but I'm not going there...)