Wasted my college social life and 25, depressed

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so about myself, I went to transferred to a college, and I was diagnosed with AS in my life (years before college). At school, I came in very overweight and as a guy barely taller than 5 feet, this was a huge problem. Also, I never got into pro-sports, which I attribute to not having people to watch them with, altho I was on teams in HS. I had athletic potential but not ability due to my height, and I kinda did those sports to be cool, as I wanted to be popular and get girls, as it looked like others did, and I believed I was as good as others. I'm also mixed race too. I lost the weight before junior year, tho I took second semester soph year off.

Anyway, I only had a few scattered friends at my school. I joined a startup frat my junior year, and still had trouble making friends, as the colony was comprised of cliques. When I joined the frat I tried as hard as possible to reach out to everyone, talk to everyone, invite them to go to the club with me. My school was rather cliquey. The school was academically below what I could have gone to, and what many people at my HS went to: my SAT was >200 pts higher than the average at my school. I also joined many clubs yet they yielded very few people inviting me to hang out with them or party with them. I was also on a mission to lose my virginity, and with AS, the ability to get girls, especially as a freakishly short guy is hampered by lack of non-verbal ability. Therefore, I'd get drunk and hope to meet girls at the club, going alone, "to get my due," as I saw it. Anyway, many times I came close to making friends I blew it, either with lack of an ability to do small talk, connect, or drunk dialing. As we know, much of mens' self-worth and image is from success with women. Basically, for almost all of senior year, I was on sanction with my frat, it ultimately got lifted thru begging/pleading, and then at the near end, came close to killing myself and was put on med leave. I didn't get laid until the end of super-senior year, and while it was a one night stand with a rather overweight underclassgirl, it came at too high a cost. I didn't have a female friend in my entire life until junior year of college. I was the guy who, at a party, if I started talking to a girl, talked to her for like 4 mins, and she said "hold on I'll b right back," I actually expected her back and would go find her. And at the time I didn't know that was considered "following" a girl, yet that stuff got me in social trouble. Or when people said "no" without using the word "no." And my college was 2/3 women, which makes me feel even worse about it.

I feel like I wasted 4 years of college. I can't figure out which gets most of the blame: going to this school, my AS, my major (which was not a popular major and a liberal arts major), which I feel made me unrelatable, the kids themselves (my college has a reputation for being like a bigger high school), bad therapists and terrible support where I went to school, or what. I did have a bucket shop job for a bit but I have gotten into a good grad program. I'm very depressed that I missed out on four years where it was very easy for people to find time with friends to have fun with their friends and the attracted-to sex, and that my lack of sex/dating experience will doom me to marry the first girl I see and it not work out or her be a mental case. Or I may be forever alone, as the meme goes. One mistake tho was not having a car at this school bc it made me need other kids, ask other kids, and that realization I figured out WAYYY too late as a super senior. That also meant I couldn't ask out girls too easily, until last semester super-senior year when I got one and had a semi-girlfriend, altho turned out she was using me as a cover, tho it did give me confidence. I'm also scared I'll consistently lack friends. Who will go to my wedding? Who will be my best-man? Who will go out with me to get some tail? Who will help my kids get internships and jobs? Who will give me someone to socialize with?

Will I have a chance to relive what I missed in college at grad school? Or am I doomed to this life? I'm old now, 25, and mad other people r getting married. Girls now have engagement rings on their fingers. I feel like the good part of life is gone and I'm staring down the barrel of 40 years of repetitive boredom when I actually get a job, hard to find girls, and real stakes.

I kinda wanna go back and relive and redo college. Sometimes, you just gotta live in the past.

Last edited by Rodney00 on 23 Apr 2014, 3:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think you missed the point of college - to get an education that gets you a job. The party scene always seemed to be wasteful socializing that gave little useful return on the investment. College is not about sex, or dating. Getting drunk at a club/bar in order to have sex seems like a bad idea, and deeming to yourself and your partner.

To be honest, both of my longer relationships happened after graduating college. I am getting married and I will be 27.

Life does not exist around pointless college social scenes. It exists as a contributing member of society (in what ever way a person can according to their ability). Most of your life and everyone's life happens after college. Many people only get married close to their 30's, some even later.

I thought I had a chance in the field I wanted, but the career dept in my school (eg it was divided into arts/sciences, business, etc.) lied and mislead me. I'm just tired on missing out on what everyone else has. Also, isn't the reason we get jobs, aside from eating/shelter/water to make it possible to LIVE, not just exist?

Also, I'd love tips on what it means to "click" with someone, as I found it very difficult to find this at my school.

Please stop worrying about what you might have missed. It seems to me that you are listening to much to what the 'media' says you should want/need and not enough time to what you actually want.

If you want to improve your social skills there are often classes and services to help people - not always specifically for people on the spectrum but I am thinking more along the lines of Dale Carnegie. As you gain confidence you will find that you are better able to approach people and make friends.

You also need to be looking in the right places. What do you like to do? What interests you? Find a club or group that is involved in that hobby and you will find women who are already interested in something you are interested in - and if you don't you are at least having fun.

No matter what society or the media says you are not less of a person if you don't have a significant other. Perhaps spending some time working on improving your own life to make yourself happier independent of a girl is a good idea - then you are more likely to be interesting to a prospective spouse.

Lastly if you continue to have issues around feeling unworthy or sad please see a counselor - they can help you work through these feelings constructively and hopefully learn what is creating those feelings in the first place.

Good Luck and God Bless

I tried that in college, and while at times I made scattered friends, none of them invited me to hang out with them and be seen in public with them or drink with them, ie it didn't work. Well for the most part. One club I did join, I hung out with 2 of the kids but they were pretty lame. I tried with kids in my major. Tho I will point out my major was more a "nerd" major (think history or politics) and at my school, which was rather hostile to intellectual thinking, this was a drawback. Most of the friends knew each other from freshman year (I transferred in as a soph), and had the same background ethnically, geographically, etc. Cliques were rather hard to break into, if not impossible. The only common interest that it seemed mattered was sports, and like I said that when I was a kid, I didn't follow them because I had weird AS type interests, and when I realized I was socially gimping myself, I had no one to watch them with. I'm trying to now catch up, especially as money is at stake (ie career, smalltalk at work).

Or could the issue of common interest, at a more intellectually stimulating place, be a legit draw? The school I went to was along the lines of URI, Bryant, Fairfield, etc, and it was way below my potential. For non-academic reasons, in a moment of extreme duress, I chose it.

all I been doing is thinkin about this, kinda makes me wanna kill myself. If only there were reincarnation, or a guarantee that in my second life I wouldn't be some poor boy from an African village or third/second world country. I think Kurt Cobain was actually a brave guy.

can I get some feedback? Has anyone else encountered similar problems or seen any aspies do so too? I'm starting to realize I joined wayy too many clubs my second (jr) year there, and not watching sports was a much bigger hamper than I realized.

alright can someone PLEASE give me some feedback!!! I need to know if this life is worth living if I'll never be as good as other people.

You are trying to hang out with the neuro typicals. You cant change who you are.
Try to join or create a local aspergers group, then you will get the social life that you crave.

I will never stop trying to beat AS! Also you can't get ahead in the world with obvious symptoms of it. My objectives in life are sex, money, and a legacy (kids who succeed, down the road of course). Also, it seems like hanging out, or at least getting with an Aspie would be tough because I don't know what I'm working with, in terms of stability, temperament, whereas with NTs its less volatile.

An honoured social reputation is like air: you're only thinking about it when you don't have any.

All I can add is to keep trying. You just haven't met the right people. At least you've tried. Some people like me haven't even given social life a try. I've been in college for 1.5 years and I haven't talked to anyone or made any friends.

This should be obvious, but life isn't easy. Especially for people like us.

Good luck.

I can't stop living in the past. I keep reliving this part of my life everyday, and I'm old now. Maybe life isn't worth it if no one is ever gonna be attracted to me. But then again, I have learned a lotta social lessons from college, just too late.

Last edited by Rodney00 on 28 Apr 2014, 9:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

LOL...if you're old, I'm fossilized.

You are not old, you are not even middle age. You are barely past young adult. Relax, you actually have your whole life ahead of you, not behind you.

yea but is there any fun in the adult life? It seems to all be work, responsibilities. I just wanna relive college forever and get it right.

Then you have problems with responsibility. Being a child forever is immature. You see NT adults who also want to stay in the low responsibility area of college, they are immature and stupid. I rather enjoy the independence of having my own life, job, and being self sufficient. I still participate in anime conventions and write public information articles for the local paper. I work with kids clubs on the weekends. Responsibility and contributing to society is good. Those who do not desire to do so are wrong, stupid and need a reality check.