How do you do it…or, have you done it?

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Throughout life, I’ve failed each and every academic pursuit I’ve attempted, whether forced on me or self chosen; I failed beyond belief, I believe I was last in every subject during high school (that must be a record for someone who attended at least half every other period) – I couldn’t learn to read and write without my mother and teacher holding my hand over the Christmas holidays, both of whom said I “tried”, and each and every teacher said continually until they gave up on me for the majority (which is logical). They gave me intelligence tests; they gave me free interviews with psychologists…everything was “normal”, with everything being normal I didn’t qualify for special edumacation…que the introduction of ‘pull up your socks!’ (what the thug does that mean anyway?) by complete jerks.

The problem: I can study and “get it” (albeit slowly) if someone holds my hand, but when I’m left to my own devices – it doesn’t exist to me. My single interest is all that I think about, and NOTHING, I mean NOTHING will get me to do what I don’t like because that single interest makes me happy, and no “means” will overshadow my complete and utter happiness “now”, the “end” doesn’t even register. That which I’m not interested in scares me, and I’m afraid of it replacing that which I am…so I’ll ignore it.

Personally, I don’t give a thug; I’m qualified for menial labour (which is completely fine with me) and as long as I can pursue my one interest; I’m a pig in mud.

But (there’s always a “but”), I’ve seen the disappointment in people I’ve liked (I think it was only one person…) when I’ve not lived up to the potential they see me as having.

So, for anyone like me, have you ever “achieved” when you thought it was impossible?

Well... what is your single interest?

Is there any way you can involve your interests in some sort of career? You've said you can't get a job. I'm taking that to mean you can't get a "normal" job, there are jobs that can be done entirely from the home with little interaction with others.

That, and if you accept that you can't get a career....then you won't have any motivation to excel academically. At least I know I wouldn't, what's the point in working towards a diploma or degree if you never get the chance to use it? If it is merely that you don't have interest in some of the classes, well, having to take subjects you don't like is a fact of life. Someone incredibly gifted in, say, computer programming will still have to take the required classes outside of that field to get a degree. If you don't need a degree, and you don't want one either, why is it an issue?

Integrating my interests into a career: nope, it’s not possible. I have no interest in writing about it, only reading and doing it; since doing is nearly impossible, reading suffices.

I have zero interest in any academic pursuit; perhaps I see it as a challenge? Perhaps I care about how others feel when I disappoint them (I’ve got empathy); perhaps I really, really and really want to be a materialistic, money-laundering mushroom using magistrate, but I continually suppress my desire because I know I’ll always be unable to write a sonnet, calculate Pythagoras' Theorem or lie…. No matter the reason, is it ever possible for an oxygen breather to breathe acidic vapour and enjoy it?

No? Thanks for replying...you allowed me to answer my own question: don’t bother walking if you don’t have legs.

I just forced myself... I was determined to get a bachelor's degree. I chose an easy major and the rest was forcing myself and faking it a bit. I'm a strong writer so I could churn out essays easily. For the harder classes, I always went to the extra help sessions if they were available. I did get my B.A. in 4 years with one extra summer session, my GPA was 3.75 which included one D, two ungraded "passes," and a couple Cs. The rest were As.

I tried two grad programs, dropped out of both of them, so I never got my master's. I'd go to the library and read on my obsessions, rather than doing coursework.

Daniel, your story resembles mine a bit. When school got tougher, in middle school and high school, I lost interest and my grades suffered. Then, when I went to college, I did what Apatura did in grad school and completely bombed out. I am only doing well in college now because my interest in my main obsession has declined to a point at which it no longer controls me.

I'm in grad school and about to drop out because of the personal stuff, but also I think if it were more interesting and compelling I might try a little harder to deal with the people.

When I WAS doing well in school, here's what my trick was. And mind you, I've taken some really boring classes. I would take the (boring) assignment and think about the one thing that was interesting to me. For instance, I'm taking a class in managed healthcare systems. I had to write a paper on that so I used google scholar and read until I'd found something that piqued my interest. I found out that in the US, the cost of healthcare is going up so much that some employers may stop offering health insurance as a benefit. That was interesting to me. Then I'd write about it. I have found that I can almost always find some question that is interesting regardless of how boring the topic is. And if not interesting, something controversial will also compel me sometimes.

It works well in grad school cuz professors like to see independent thought.

Not sure if that's helpful or not.

Aylissa's idea is really good... I too would try to twist and turn something until I found an interesting slant. Almost anything can be made interesting, if you can just tweek it enough so that your obsessiveness can seize hold of it, long enough to complete the assignment.

shadexlii, there's wisdom to your words, but please note I don't want anything without putting something (TINSTAAFL after all); the question I have, how do I know if I contain something to begin with, how do I recognize and how do I utilize it? People say I have it.... Please also note, I do wish to achieve...succeed in that which I'm not interested, to be the "human" people want me to be (empathy again). I value others’ words.

werbert, I understand....

Apatura, I've forced myself in the past, but...that was when I didn't recognize the "feelings" I felt, and why I wished to avoid them and their causative agent. Now, several years later with treatment, diagnoses and medication from the abyss, perhaps I may be able to force myself, or rather: confront and overcome myself. Thanks….

aylissa, that is indeed helpful…I’ve never tried it before due to no one ever giving that particular piece of advice, now in retrospect: it may’ve helped…. Thanks.

Thanks people.