So miserable in school right now... don't know where to turn

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So I just moved to Manhattan to attend one of the city's top professional acting schools. I feel terrible because I know I should be elated.... I am pursuing my dreams and have financial support from my family (if not emotional support) and I have a good place to live. But I've been just absolutely miserable and I don't even know what to do.

The work I've presented in class is absolutely TERRIBLE. I haven't had a single truthful moment in any of my scenework and I just can't get over feeling like I am a talentless, worthless actor and person. I'm really scared that none of my teachers believe in me and that everyone thinks I don't belong in this profession. I know I need to stop obsessing and comparing my work to other people but it's really hard because everyone else just seems way freer in their instruments. I wish that there was a counselor or someone at the school I could talk to about all of this but this is a private program and you're supposed to be able to deal with all that s**t by yourself. I can't afford a shrink either, it already cost me loads of money just to move here and I can't encroach further on my work savings.

Not only that, none of my peers have expressed the vaguest interest in getting to know me. We are a small class (only 18 people in my division.... and I'm with them all day, every day. Opportunities to interact with people in other divisions are very limited) and right from Day One, I saw everyone bonding and building rapport but not with me. They all joke around with each other but to me, they are polite and remote. It absolutely breaks my heart every single time I walk into the lunch area and everyone is hanging out and being pals and then they talk to me differently. At first, I was willing to chalk it up to the simple fact that we're all getting settled into this new city and it's difficult to find time to hang outside of school. But now I'm hearing classmates talking about stuff they did together over the weekend and the fact that people are indeed making friends is inescapable. Everyone goes out for drinks every Friday after school and they never invite me. I didn't even realize that they all did that until I saw a picture on Facebook.

I have tried reaching out, but to no avail. I had to work with this really nice girl on an assignment for class and ended up inviting her out to dinner and then back to my place to watch the debate. I had a lot of fun but it made no difference in our relationship. It didn't increase our rapport, I went back to school the next day and I was just another acquaintance.

I was diagnosed at 13 and have literally never had a single friend in my whole life. I honestly believed that this would change once I finally moved to a new place and surrounded myself with people my own age who had the same interests as me. It is so devastating to realize that in so many ways, life doesn't actually improve after middle school after all.

It sucks that you're feeling that way, unfortunately I can't offer you any advice, only sympathies.

I relate to this so much. It was so mysterious why other people were bonding and I wasn't. It's just heart breaking. I did a lot of crying about it at your age. I wish I was one of those autistics who doesn't even want friends. It would be so much easier.

When it comes to group activities like going out to a bar on Friday night, it is socially acceptable to ask if they would mind if you came along. I don't know if you really want that. I hate bars with a passion. But at your age, I wanted to be included. It was a thing. Just pick someone who seems like they are socially popular, and ask if you can come along.

Another note, since we can't see each other. Please make sure you've hit the social prerequisites of controlling BO and brushing your teeth and such. Also, in NYC, everyone wears black all the time.

As for school, and feeling like everything you are putting out is shite. That is totally normal. You're an artist. If you were satisfied with the first stuff you tried, I would say you are in the wrong profession. Art necessitates always trying to find a better way to express an idea or a feeling. That's just the way it is. That you are driven to do so is why you qualify to be there in the first place.

All those people who are free with their instruments? Yah. They are faking it. Trust me. They are just as self-critical and anxious as you are.

You really should have someone to talk about this stuff too. Every school has some kind of faculty advisor situation, even small schools. I wonder if you missed it in all the orientation confusion. There should be a number to call in your student manual. If not, your teachers should have some kind of office hours. Its required if your school is certified by the state. So, you can go to their office hours and talk about your concerns about your performance and ask if there is any faculty advisor program available.

One last thing, in this kind of school, I REALLY advise letting your group know about your aspergers. I went to a hippy chiropractic school that also did a lot of tight emotional work, so I feel like this experience is similar to this one. They need to know this about you. You need to have them know so that you aren't holding that part of you back from your work. It's all about that honestly. The shame that comes from keeping something this big about yourself private is going to hold you back. And yes, sometimes people aren't going to be able to receive it. But my instincts are telling me that this group will treat you a lot better when you are honest with them about this challenge in your childhood. Actors, in my experience, are a bunch of former wounded children. They need you to let them know that you are one of them.

Yeah, I have the same problem. Everyone in my acting class is friends with each other, and I'm just...there. I always hear people saying "Let's get lunch" to each other, and I feel heartbroken. I want to make friends, but I just don't know how.

Those autistics who claim they don't want friends are all lying. They just don't want to admit it because it's too embarrassing. I spent years pretending I didn't care, but self-honesty eventually needed to click in. I've had to live my entire life without friends.... the only people who ever cared about my life were paid to do so (therapists, coaches, etc). Obviously I've had to learn to get along without emotional support and it's not like I couldn't continue to do it. It's not the lack of friends that gets to me so much as the constant daily rejection. Sometimes I just feel like my heart can't take any more of it and is going to explode with how much it hurts.

I disclosed the fact that I have Aspergers in the very first week. We have a class where we all sit in a circle and share our Personal Stories in order to work on being "private in public" which is an important aspect of doing truthful work. I honestly don't think my teachers and classmates are even aware of what Aspergers is, or how it would manifest in a peer. I suspect their only frame of reference is the play The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, but to the casual observer I don't look a whole lot like that character. I am high-functioning and well dressed. (In the play, he is portrayed as being severely autistic) My speech instructor held me back after class several weeks ago to let me know that my face looked really annoying whenever I asked questions in class. I was seriously devastated; it sent me back to those elementary school days and I was in the worst mindframe I'd been in for over a year. I had to pony up a bit of cash for a round of hypnosis in order to pull myself out of it. I bawled my eyes out recounting her remark during circle time and the facilitating teacher said it's good for actors to develop a keen awareness of what it is that hurts us the most.

Unfortunately, this particular school is not required by law to provide a counselor because it is not a degree-granting program. It's more of a trade school type of situation which is certified by the National Association of Schools of Theatre but it doesn't offer academic courses like in a traditional college. Our teachers have been driving in the fact that we are supposed to be leaving all our problems at the door when we come in to work because we are learning how to be professionals.

It is indeed true that actors are all a bunch of wounded children. I think actors are like strippers in a lot of ways.... they create a fantasy experience that people pay to get lost in for a couple hours. It is not a profession which tends to attract well-adjusted individuals. When we were going around in the circle, I heard nothing but stories about drug-addicted parents, sexual abuse, eating disorders, abandonment and more. Everyone's got issues, but obviously my classmates' issues don't stop people from being interested in getting to know them.

Last edited by SummerAndSmoke on 05 Nov 2016, 9:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ough!! !! That sounds torturous.

So, my Chiro program was 4 years long. We were with the same group of 16 some odd folks the whole time. And every time we started a new class, they had us go around the circle and "share our story of discovering that you are a healer." This ritual would sometimes take hours, because every single person told the story like it was the most important story ever told -tears, dramatic pauses, you name it. By the end of those 4 years , we knew each other's stories so well, I thought it would be more fun if we told someone else's teary tale. But we still had to do it. I remember literally being brought to tears, not with sympathy but with a desperate desire to be anywhere but in that room, sharing our stories for the 10th time.

I don't know about a program so informal that they don't feel the need to have any kind of faculty advisor. I'm guessing that means they also fly under the radar with ADA accomdations. (Americans with Disabilities Act.) That comment from your teacher about your facial expression is actually really helpful, but I wonder if the teacher sees it as providing useful feedback to a person with aspergers, or if he see's it as critism. If you can do it, lean into that kind of help. I know it's really hard. But feedback like that is so useful. And it's rare to come upon someone in life who is blunt enough to give it without rejecting you.

The advice about group social actives stands. It's scary as all F#*k, but the thing to do is simply ask if you can come along. People LOVE people who make them feel good. Telling them that you would like to know them better, and can you come along when they have lunch or go for a beer, is a compliment.

While you are at it, I'll give you an assignment that I received in my schooling. I was to go up to someone after class, look them in the eye, and thank them for sharing __________ in class. Basically, compliment them for something sincerely. It was not in my nature. But I still use that skill. People eat that s**t up. Humans LOVE feeling noticed and needed. As long as it's sincere, it's more likely than not to be very well received.

(Also, my classmates made me take the role of Katherine Heburn. Its a long story, and it came after they forbade me from using any star trek characters for my energetics classes. Ha! Fooled them. Kate Mulgrew, aka Captain Janeway, played Heburn in a one woman show after leaving Star Trek Voyager. I know this makes no sense to anyone else. But trust me. I won.)